Semantics

 Training my brain to filter what my eyes bring in. This is the process for learning lots of new software screens and what to do with them. It is not unlike learning a new OR, which I have done several times. Where stuff is and what is there, and what to do with it. I'm learning swathes of protocols and processes, like learning to do crossword puzzles or sudoku. When I get it, when it gets easier, it's really satisfying. 

Yesterday, I was struggling to spot what I'd learned the days before. I knew I'd been shown, had even done it, and everything was semantic satiation*. Today, rowed into smooth water.  Still have a long way to go, but broke through yesterday's sense of being pushed back upstream. 

Got to pick up my issued scrubs†, a nice slate grey, very comfortable. Uniforms are my refuge, one less thing to worry about. What shall I wear? Not a problem. They have nice pockets, too. I do not have anything like "business casual" - even by the eccentric standards of the VA.  But I felt badly dressed, and self conscious about it. It was a small thing that I really think made a big difference. Reminded me of Basic, the first week spent in Reception Station, getting paperwork in order, and only at the end being issued uniforms. Another time my own clothes were inadequate to the situation, both in style and function against the cold. 

The garden is a bit miffed and dry, feeling neglected. The sunflowers have been broken down, which I thought was some odd person, until I saw a squirrel actually climb and weigh one down. Oh. Oh, well. 

The sunflowers have gone utterly mad. I know I thinned them out in the spring, really I did. 

*Learned this term from watching Ted Lasso. 

†Five sets, I wear them in to work, and take them home to wash. Free.  Although I suspect I'll be turning them in someday. Fair enough. 

Dry

 For the first time in oh so long, I feel really good about life. I'm cleaning and my back isn't in pain. 

Took a quiz, and did pretty well. 

It's been a long hard stretch.  I was already burnt out and looking for a change 2 1/2 years ago. Then broke my wrist, we lost Moby, my mother died, we both got COVID, then work closed down for same, plantar fasciitis,earthquake, land hurricane, toxic bullies at work triggered cptsd, back pain flared up, then lost my job. 

I'm not quite home and dry, but I am vigorously drying off. 

Cinderella

The smoke here today was the worst for any large city in the world. Oh, great. My lungs ached. The very close mountains were obscured. Altogether awful to breathe.  Flood and fire all around. Death stalks the world. And I try to make one small corner of it a little better, kinder, safer. I try to be one of the helpers, because what else can I do? 

 The new job started Monday, after flash floods the evening before and that morning that rushed down the foothills and left damage and pools. This area can't handle an inch or two of rain in an hour or so, it hurtles down in a deluge.  

Our orientation was slapdash to say the least. Several departments were supposed to have representatives, and even more failed to show,  excused as they were dealing with flooded areas. It was a true fustercluck. Still, some of the presentations were decent. Sadly, this did not include the HR/Benefits sections, and I'm still not sure about how to get some of this started.  I don't have the badge that gives me access to all the programs I will need to perform my job, although I have temporary, and limited access. Lots of IT issues, some of which were fixed, then fell apart. I've got a list. 

Worked with two other coordinators, who are getting me trained up. One is very good and thorough. The other has just not been there that long, she's doing her best. I'll be taking up half of her job, and I'll be very much needed.  The learning curve is steep, and I can barely start due to aforesaid access issues. 

Still. 

I'm going to like this work. I do have the knowledge base. I have the attitude needed. Getting it all sorted is satisfying. Some of my former surgeons are my current surgeons, and I got to see them in my new role. I got to demonstrate by asking pertinent questions. I'll get to talk more to patients. Even ran into some anesthesiologists I know, which was enjoyable. It's going to take a while to master, but... yeah, I can do this. It fits and it's where I belong. 

The VA is a lot slower paced, which is also helpful.

I have my own desk with a locking file drawer. This is new for me, and I like having my own little corner with my own little chair. I really do feel like an anti-Cinderella, looking for a quieter place to just get on with my work. 

Lots of stuff to learn, many errands to complete, names to remember, policies to apply, and I'm feeling really good about it all. Not where I am at the moment, but feeling up to it. 

 

Clipboard

 Really rained last night. The last two days, the storms split around us, hitting the Oquirrs and Wasatch ranges, but snubbing the valley. Hoping for more this coming week. 

Reading a book about memory, because I have to be better at names in the new job. No excuses, it will be a core skill I need, so I have to get good at it. The general wisdom is that it is a learnable skill. This book is readable, and not evangelical at all. 

I don't have to be perfect, I do have to be better. I will photograph anyone who is ok with that. I will write down names to make sure to get the spelling correct, and I will use all the other memory techniques to master this long neglected skill. I have pens. I have an array of highlighters to color code. I have notebooks. I have a CLIPBOARD*. 

*Had a clipboard throughout nursing school, and it was such a good tool. Stickers all over it, so it got back to me, too. Got rid of it in a move, but still had it at least 20 years. Smoked grey plastic, strong clip, an old friend indeed. 

Crowtalk

 Heard this neighbor before we saw them. 

Getting my head in the right space, gathering notepads and pens, clearing the ground, calming myself. 

Treasured

 Tokens of appreciation for all the people who advised and supported me, let me use them as references, through this difficult time. It may not look like a lot, but it's all well made and carefully chosen. The soaps - specifically for my aroma oriented friends,  smell lovely.

It's all about gratitude now. 

Strewn

The call came.  I start on Monday. And will be paid rather better than before. It all feels a bit surreal and flat. Bubbling up immediately was all the gratitude for all the people who kept me from despair, who let me use them as references, all the friends I had to inconvenience. Immediately sent out my thanks, before letting any of it soak in. All along I've been thinking, I have to send cards and little unique gifts in thanks, but not until I know, not until I have income, just in case, just in case. 

For I do not believe until I know.  I don't believe. I know, or I don't know, or it is unknowable and I have to step forward anyway. The lesson of Pooh.   If the gods are willing, this will be my last job, and my path to a decent retirement. And... I think I'm going to really enjoy this. 

I cleaned the laundry floor starting yesterday.  It probably needs this more often than every three years or so. 

Wordlessness

 

Microburst

 Yesterday, right after I did a better garden watering, we got hit with two microburst storms. The first one  about 7PM, dropping the temperature 96˚F down 25˚, but with a constant, growling thunder for a good hour ahead of it.   Some places got a half inch of rain in 15 minutes. And the rain kept falling, whipping, booming out of the skies. All my rain barrels are full. A street that often floods, a few blocks away, had 3' of standing water.  A town just south of us, near a burn scar, had to evacuate* for flooding/flash flood risk. A few hours later, another storm rolled through, but I was asleep by then. 

Video of different microburst storm. 

The porch is wet, the soil is saturated and happy, it's humid but much cooler.  I don't know how much we got here, but at least a 1/2", maybe up to 1" water. The official total at the airport weather station cannot be the same as what we got here, typical in this geography.  The sort-of closest station got 1" while another not that far away got 0.3".  

It was true wrath of gods stuff. I went out to make sure both rain barrels filled, and I was soaked to the skin. The people camping out overnight for the local kitsch parade no doubt had a bad time, but since that whole tradition seems insane to start with I don't have a whole lot of sympathy. 

Said parade is nearly over, and one of the covered wagons (they usually lead the parade) with cos-play settlers, but real mules and horses, just rolled past our house. Sorry, I was too slow with the camera, but I did wave. 

Plucking ripe blackberries at the rate of one or two a day. It's just one plant, it's doing its best.  And they are amazing. I keep going back to myself as a small child, sitting in a blackberry thicket on a slope beside the Rouge River, stuffing myself with blackberries to my utter contentment. The bushes were above my head when I nestled down, and I felt invisible and in my own private world, and full of fruit. 

Enjoying the mild day, my mood settling a bit higher today. 

*"Within 45 minutes, the burn scar received 3/4 inches of rain, and a debris flow was reported. According to Mapleton Fire, six to eight inches of mud, branches, and softball to basketball-sized rocks came down. Rows of sandbags were able to deflect most of the debris flow onto the road and away from homes."

Deciduous

 

It looks a bit wonky because I took this as a panorama, but it was the only way to get the whole tree in. 

Getting to the end of the process, I think. Had to re-write my self-evaluation for pay rate. It is an extensive application, and I started it as a 2.7K word essay, stuffed it into the form. The nurse manager evaluated it, and explained how to set it up and who my audience was, and how to improve it. So I took all the ideas and stories the creative writing brought to the surface, and formalized it, got really repetitive and explicit on outcomes (patient care and cost savings), and sent it back. She approved this version, and it is on its way to the board. 

I need to add that Dylan formatted and helped me piece it all together into a coherent whole, and made sure they would be able to open the document. 

It's always important to know one's audience. 

Splinters

 The last threads are holding as I await what will come. The cats seem happy with us, generally. And with each other, as are we. 

Enduring the heat and drought. 

Reading so much about the irrational followers of the angry and hateful. None of this is new, though. Following leaders into hell and destruction, betraying the king to install a different king who acts exactly the same. Switching one god for another god just as uncaring. The idea of a thoughtful, rational leadership is an anomaly, at least as a dominant force in human history. More often it's all about clan loyalty that shifts and splinters. It's biology, (and biological systems) and those are notoriously impervious to simple logical explanations. We can see the patterns, but with so many interfering patterns, it's nearly impossible to predict or control outcomes. In part because we are inside the patterns. It's like the story of scurvy, and how long it took to figure out the cause and cure. Lack of key information, complicating influences, careless studies, inertia of old ideas, preference for superstitions that do not need understanding. 

Read three books this week, my mind is churning.  I'd recommend all three, for very different reasons. If any of them appeal to you, they are well written and engaging. All very different. 

I'd forgotten the bible story this is written around, had to look it up. Such rough lives.  The god of the fathers barely touched the gods of the women. 

Lister really did take what was medieval surgery and transform it into a modern science.  And a genuinely good person, a real rarity at any time, but particularly in the context of a brutal profession. He certainly wasn't always right, but he always kept asking, with his focus always on his patients. 

Not as silly or magical as it seems, although yes, a bit of both. About friendship and freedom and taking care of each other. 

Cash

Mmmmmmwwwaaah!

C D B?

Serviceberry tree showed up and is making a run for it this year. I'd forgotten about it last year. Since it did, it got a stick to hold and extra water, and seems pretty happy. Maybe look more tree-like next year. 

Sat out with Eleanor this morning, buzzed by a pair of hummingbirds several times. Their flowers are only starting to bloom, so next week might be better for them. 

 There is no more I can do at the moment. The HR person who will look at what they will pay me is out of the office until Monday, even though my documentation had to be in by Friday. This always happens.  This is the last step before it is all completely official with a starting date set. 

I'm drifting into a sort of depression, not hungry, can't make myself do anything, oversleeping. Not badly, and I'm sure it's temporary, but along with the heat and smoky air, it's gotten on top of me. An existential cold, as it were. With a dollop of worrying over the world and all its troubles. 

Ironic, since this is the first time in my life I have not been down with a virus over a year and a half. 

It is a horrible situation so many renters are in these days, that a full time minimum wage will not pay rent, anywhere.  Not a surprize, but shameful. And here we are with a lower monthly mortgage, simply because we jumped ten years ago and got unbelievably lucky. If we were renting right now, we would be so screwed. As it is, we will be fine until I can get my first paycheck.  I do not really care what they determine my pay grade will be, it will be a living wage, I'll be able to retire, money has never been much of a motivation for me, after basic needs and security. I grew up poor enough, and lived long enough on several part time jobs, to know how much just having a decent job means. 

Really happy that people with kids will be getting extra cash starting this week. 

Soul

 Whatever your musical taste, whatever you do, find Summer of Soul and watch it. It beats the hell out of the Woodstock documentary.  We got Hulu for a month just to see it. It's in some theaters.  It's fucking amazing, and heartbreaking and important. That all this footage has been deliberately hidden for 50 years is a great sin. 

Mature

 

Heat exhaustion. 

Forming seeds.

Young 'un piggy-back on granny. 

Zeppo relaxed under Dylan's hand. We can reach down and pet him, even kiss his head. This is big. Only took two years...

Sweatbees

 Sweat bees on fennel.

Wrote a 2.5K essay on leadership to justify my pay to the VA.  My brain is currently empty of words, except for a few rattling around where I can't get to them. 

Whatcha

 

"Whatcha got there?"

"I got a bee!"

Balm

Bergamot/bee balm. 

 Long ago, before I'd even started nursing school, before Dylan and I knew each other beyond a passing nod, before I'd escaped from the ex, I got to go on an Army nursing recruitment trip to Seattle. I'm not clear on how this all came about, but we were nurses and nursing students the regular army wanted to commission, and I got a weekend away in a decent hotel with a pool, a room to myself, good company, a trip on a ferry, walked around Downtown Seattle,  and we toured around the original Madigan Army Hospital before the new one was opened.  

I was seriously considering going regular full time army, it was a way forward, a way to have an income and make the divorce happen with some safety. I had to complete pre-reqs first, which was in progress. 

Then I managed to get out by myself, and shortly after activated to GWI. Time for conversations with Captains who were army nurses, and came back knowing I did not want my life to be so unsettled and at the whim of the US Gov.  Nor was I interested in a life without Dylan. Anyway, got into nursing school, graduated, got a job with a living wage, and never really looked back. 

And now, well, kinda doing it anyway, but on my terms.  I expect I'll be called ma'am a lot. I wonder how many people I know I'll get to see. It can be a very small world sometimes. 

Nothing much is going to happen until Tuesday, due to the holiday.  Exercising patience. 

Chill

 Slogging through carefully. 

Thanks

 Nothing else to do over this weekend, for the first time in two months. Slept hard last night, a bit sore and stiff this morning. Eleanor woke me up, and has now claimed the bed. 

I needed a list of references, and found, as I so often have, that I have more friends than I thought. I need to write them all with more than a brief" Thank You!" - which was all I've been up for in the midst of all the forms. When I've got my first paycheck, I'm off to buy nice cards and thoughtful small gifts for every one of them. So much support from so many people is humbling and touching. This process has been... hard. Just hard. Walking on rocks in bare feet. 

My foray to the VA campus was a bit of flashback to my time on army bases. Something about it that is familiar. The phrase ran, "There's a right way. A wrong way. And an Army way." It was the first really effective experience toward dealing with my childhood - in ways difficult to clearly explain. Being shouted at by someone insane and out of control is different from being shouted at by someone in complete control of themself.  I've wondered if abused and neglected children who wind up serving are prone to worse PTSD, it's an area I think should be properly studied. The mild to moderate cases, the walking wounded in heart. 

I look forward to working more slowly, thoroughly, kindly. Taking time to talk with people.  Fostering curiosity and gratitude.

Drought

 Not bad for June, in the middle of a drought. Not enough, but today, right now, it's lovely.  My eyes relax, my skin calms. 

VA forms and processes are proceeding apace. My head whirls, but it's all getting done.  Fingerprints tomorrow to start the background check process. Physical  on Monday. Personal references.  This is a lot more than any other job, but I heartily approve.  This is a Big Deal.  And I take it with the seriousness it deserves. 

And the rain falls. My garden smells wonderful. 

Greenbee

 

Yesterday felt like a deep trough after a gigantic rogue wave. Pressed down, unfeeling, immobile, helpless. Today I woke up early, showered, dressed, trimmed the hedge, attended the Dog Circus* next door, photographed the sunflowers, and now I'm writing. 

Feels like I can get stuff done today. Dylan got me through most of the forms, since that is his area of training - his army job was as a file clerk, so he knows them well. Strange to me that I can fill out other people's paperwork and charting masterfully, when it comes to my own I'm swamped with anxiety. 

*Next door neighbor sits out with Dog Spike, and has made friends with all the neighbor dogs, who now meet there and play at mid morning.  I get a bit of dog time, which has been an immense blessing the past couple of months. 

Process

 I've been offered the job.  It's the VA, so there will be a process, which I have started.  

Shiny

Our shiny cat.  He's getting more and more secure, sitting close, allowing touches that we initiate. His past losing its grip on him. 

 Two months ago. I thought I was smiling. Really did. 

Still deeply worried about income, but at least I'm rested. Every day I do at least one Thing toward securing the means of life. Thankfully Dylan has so well husbanded our resources for many years we are still ok, still safe for now. 

I want the job I interviewed for, but I have put it behind me for now.  Well, mostly. I was never good at forgetting.  As J. Austen says, A good memory is unpardonable. 

Just read Austen Years: A Memoir in 5 Novels by Rachel Cohen, a clear, sad, hopeful book about loss and life and Jane Austen. So, now I'm reading Mansfield Park - slowly. I've read some Austen before, enjoyed it more than I expected, but did not read it carefully. Preferring to fill in with filmed versions.  The literary coward in me holding me back. But in recent years I've come to enjoy re-reading, close reading, slow reading, and it's time to soak in Jane's writing. 

It's been an era of grief and rupture, the ground state of humanity. 

Prickly

 

Meringue infused with 

Nickel nuts, broken steel screws.

Work muffled in fluff.

A day obtunded, heat and dry winds, smoke and ragged sleep. So much to be done, so little doable.  Squishy, sticky bitter covering over hard core fears. 

And the first sunflower appears on prickly stems. 

Kintsuge

Guarantees

Update:

It got to 103˚F yesterday. And down to 3% relative humidity.  Broken records and drought. This summer is going to be awful.  I keep spot watering the garden, to keep it cool and green. The compost will dry out until there is rain again. No need to keep it going through this, it can wait. 

The interview went well, I think. Made them laugh a few times. I think if I am a good fit, they will take me on. Video interviews are weird, the three interviewers were floating on a standard office virtual background, and one kept glitching out. Dylan triple checked that the remote program was installed and working properly, because he is an IT guy.  I made sure ahead of time that I would be at a good height and angle with good light, because I was a theater major long long ago.  I accidentally named dropped a surgeon, and they all sighed and laughed and said "OH, We know Dr. G!"  Which, they may have a quiet chat with him, and I think he would recommend me in his own way. I know he trusted me when I worked with him, so... well you never know. 

We shall see. I will continue the search as if it were already decided, which as far as I have any control over it, is true. And if it comes down to it I'll take piecework as a medical transcriptionist. Pay not great, but will cover mortgage. 

Eleanor insists on being taken out for a nap in the garden, I make her wait until the tree shade is completely covering the front meadow, about 3:00PM/1500.  Hot, but still enough shade so I can tolerate it. Maybe next year I'll work on getting Zeppo used to the harness and get him out next summer. He'll be challenging, but I think it's possible.

Nothing is easy for anyone these days, life comes without guarantees. Humans want sure things so badly, but they don't exist. 

If you have not seen Blaire Erskine, she is amazing. Satire so sharp and on point. I keep up with her on read-only-twitter (not reading comments makes the site much less toxic, which is easier to do without having an actual account.) Apparently she is on instagram as well, but I've never waded in there. 

Pause

Zeppo comes in for a bellyrub, stretches out his feet, purrs.  He's gotten much bolder, more comfortable, just in the past few weeks. Always knew he would grow into being the affectionate cat he is, and will become. 
 

"Measure once, cut twice... DAMN! It's still too short!"

I was told this joke when I asked my patient what the procedure for him was that day, a revision amputation of his leg for bone cancer.  I laughed. Of course I did.  It was funny, and he had a right to make it and have it be appreciated.  I keep it in my heart. His life ripples on. 

Got an interview on Monday.  I am genuinely hopeful, I could do this job, and enjoy it. More information as it becomes available.