Turning

 My week living at my own pace, quiet and slow, is coming to an end. I know there is a lot of work waiting for me, that I will need to hit the ground running in the morning. Lots to do, and it's a clinic day, but... I'm ready. It'll be fine, and I will return with energy and the will to learn again. 

My thoughts are with Ukraine, of course. The world is changing in ways we cannot predict. The past steps back, and the future is unformed. We do not know.  

My own life is nothing like what I imagined when I was small and straining to see how it would all turn out.   Turned out, and beyond, and keeps on turning. 

Finding out new stuff every day. 

Sixty

 Since the cats voted, they in fact can be on the dining room table, I put a blanket on it.

I really did plan on doing more cleaning and sorting this week. But my brain voted, and it's on break. I've been reading trifles and fluff only, and staying in my pjs past 10AM. 

We got tarts from a very nice little bakery, lemon cream, and an almond cream. So expensive, so worth it.  Shared on with a friend who stopped by after work. She dished the dirt on the current situation of the old OR, and I am beyond relieved that I don't work there anymore. 

Have not gotten called about anything for work from my colleague - so if anything came up, it wasn't so bad she had to text me. Of course, she could handle anything that came up, that was never a worry. I know I've left her some loose ends, because I'm not quite to the point of tying them all up first time. And I was more than willing to answer if anything came up that I'd messed up that badly. So, yeah, very relieved. 

Dim Sum with more friends today, and a long conversation about nothing much. Well, and the situation in Ukraine. I chose to hope. Not because it's objectively accurate, but because it makes it possible to keep going. And we must keep going. 

Seeing the usual Saturday friends tomorrow, as well. We got together last Monday to play Fuse and Crew. And eat. 

It's been a week full of friends, rest, cats, good food and idleness. 

Feeling not bad at all for 60. 

Miss

 Not to worry, this was yesterday's word.  I started out with 10 letters that utterly missed.  Pulled it out at the end, though. 

Wave

Got rid of the last of the grey paint, and covered the mucky bottom. The top is still white, allowing for light. But down low is this lovely purple, and it feels so much warmer, welcoming. I'm delighted with how it turned out. As usual for any of my projects, it is not perfect, and that's just fine by me. 
 

Garlic

 Most of the time, I hate receiving gifts.  As a child, I had to be effusive in my thanks for anything given to me, or there would be punishment. I had to put on a big smile and gush about how wonderful the thing was, and it made me so uncomfortable - it was acting, and it was lying. So much so that when I genuinely DID love a present, it looked like I didn't - because when they really did find a real Gift - my real reaction was quiet and overwhelmed. 

When pushed about a gift, what did I want? What about this? Or this? I struggled to answer, because to say, No, not that, no not quite, I sounded greedy. I didn't really want anything at all. 

It happened this past week at work, they wanted to buy me lunch. Decided on pizza. Asked me what pizza I like. Well, I like pizza dough from Trader Joes, and mild salsa, and their shredded Mexican cheese... Other than that, I don't much like commercial pizza. They put garlic in their sauce, often a lot of it.  They opted for The Pie - a local place that has been very popular for decades. I ate there once, and did not like thin crust, crispy pizza, did not like their sauce - I've figured out since that I have a garlic intolerance (that is getting worse over time.) I've had a bite or two since when it's been ordered for work lunches, and it's still not to my taste.  I told them to just get it for themselves, I will maybe have a slice, and I appreciate the thought (which - I do.)

When they brought it in, I asked Don how much garlic he thought was in it. 

"Oh, lots! Everytime I have this, my wife can smell it on my breath."

I got out my own lunch, said "I'd love to eat with you."  And meant it.  The whole thing of eating food they bought for me put me into a silent panic attack, while they were out of the cubicle. 

They wished me a Happy Birthday, then wished each other a Happy Birthday, and I added Merry Un-Birthdays to the chorus. I tried to mention my own weirdness with food, my mother's yoyo dieting, and apologized for being "funny about food." I hope they knew I appreciated their intention. And that they don't try to do any more gifts. 

Don asked me if my birthday was the next day. I said no, not until the next week. Then volunteered my age - so that he knew it wasn't about that. I don't mind a bit of teasing, especially since they are clearly all so kind. I think they realized they'd pushed just a bit too far for me. 

I got a card from Dylan's parents. It had a metal bookmark with a penguin charm.  They know I read, they know I like penguins as a sort of totem. But I have never used non-disposable bookmarks because I  lose or break them, usually on the first book. For the past decade or so, I've used the flat silicone tip protectors that come in a lot of surgical devices, they slightly stick to the pages without holding it open too far. I have scores of them collected, I fiddle with them while I read. 

They apparently got the perfect little gift for me. But it really shows that they don't know me, and now I have a bit more clutter, made in China, that I will never use. And I have to thank them, which I will. Inside I'm thinking, "thank you for making me uncomfortable, stared at and yet unseen." I'd much prefer not to get anything at all. I'd rather be actually not seen, at all. 

This is why I go to such lengths not to be at work on my birthday, to avoid the worst of the well-meaning, guilt-inducing, awful-feeling attention. 

It's not my birthday. It's not today. It's not my birthday so why do you lunge out at me?

Heatingpad

"So, I sat on that earlier.  Why do you like it so much?"

"because sometimes it warms up"

"I love you, Aunt Eleanor. You are so wise."

 

Reflection

"The heart is a leisurely muscle. It differs from all other muscles. How many push-ups can you make before the muscles in your arms and stomach get so tired that you have to stop? But your heart muscle goes on working for as long as you live. It does not get tired, because there is a phase of rest built into every single heartbeat. Our physical heart works leisurely. And when we speak of the heart in a wider sense, the idea that life-giving leisure lies at the very center is implied. Seen in this light, leisure is not a privilege but a virtue. Leisure is not the privilege of a few who can afford to take time, but the virtue of all who are willing to give time to what takes time - to give as much time as a task rightly takes."

 - Brother David Steindl-Rast 

Gratefulness, the Heart of Prayer

This week I hit a new learning point, after the past two weeks of finding my errors and correcting them, I am now at the point of realization of the scope of my job. A whole new swathe of details that need attention, but I'm not quite at the point of being able to see them from afar and take care of them before they bunch up around me.  But, I am getting there. 

Seeing it is an important step, without which it wasn't happening. 

Learning both how to manage my tasks, prioritize and organize. And still take all the time needed to be thorough.  I'm more comfortable with calling patients and fellow providers and just asking. 

Oh, and both my colleague/instructor got our evaluations, and got top marks all around, we think. She's done the job before, and came back to the job several months before I did. I'm new at it, just passed my 6 month mark. We aren't sure how we were rated, looks like a chart review - focused on our notes.  Either way, glad I'm doing what is expected of me, and improving. 

I've also benefitted from all the writing I've done in this space, so much easier to be precise and accurate and clear, because of comments on my writing for the past ~2 decades practice.  

So, thank you to all those who read and respond and honed my words for so long. Most of the main readers from 15 years ago are gone, but at least one or two still visit. I'm grateful to all of you. 

Mostly, though, I am learning a sort of deep and abiding kindness. A patient attentiveness. 

Yes, I can do this for five years. 

And then, I can step back and ... well, not DO, but be. I will find what joys I can in not Being Useful - the guiding star of my life so far. I will soften and warm and allow, find and let go. 

From the point that I started dying my hair, not being ready to turn grey in my 30s, I promised myself I would, at 60, let it be whatever color it wanted. I would accept.  And a week before, I cut off all the remaining stained hair, and I am, indeed, all grey. It wasn't specifically in my mind that I was fulfilling the promise to myself, not until after I'd already done it. 

We are refinancing our House today, finishing up the process. Get the loan out of the hands of one of the more evil banks (not our choice, it was sold to them by our original mortgage institution) and into a less evil Credit Union. Lower payment, shorter pay off, better interest rate too. 

Next week I'm taking off, let my mind settle and reflect. 

Damn

This is what we are fighting and what we are fighting for.  Damn the confederacy, damn the slaveowners, damn them all. 

Longer

 Good morning. 

Well, you see, the last vestiges of the henna I put on last year, and hated, were seriously bugging me. 

I cut it to shoulder length a couple of weeks ago.  And Sunday I cut off more.  I may go get the back trimmed up at the barber shop, if they will do it for a reasonable price.

 Morgan Donner inspires me. 

I have been thinking about just buzzing it all off, but letting it grow out after is an enormous pain in the butt, and I'm not really up for a year of shaggy hair. 

It's actually chin length.  Most of the stained hair is no longer. 

I think my vitamin D levels are back in normal range, I have new hair growth, and I'm getting my energy back. Or maybe I'm just recovering from years of burn-out. 

It also occurred to me this week that my Social Security will be higher when I retire, because I'll be both full time and better paid at that point, than if I'd stayed in the OR working 30 hours a week for a lower wage. Going through that last April was one of the hardest things I've done in a long time, but I'm glad I was able to work through it and emerge out the other side. Well disguised blessing. 

My team went to lunch yesterday, my colleague insisted on paying for my lunch - I had a very nice half sandwich (which was plenty and tasty), and I covered the tip for the table. Which went over well for the two NPs who had worked as waitstaff. It just happened that I was the only one with cash on me. 

Yesterday was nuts, so many different, often complex problems. Thankfully everyone was around, and there was a lot of group participation.  There was also a lot of patient EMOTION!! Seriously, one guy sent several (secure, MyHealthEVet) messages with many, many exclamation points. Every patient had a serious grip on the wrong end of the stick, and very upset about it. Spent a long time on the phone calming people down. Couldn't get a lot of what I planned to do even started until about 2:30, and was dealing with one last problem at 5:15. Well, they pay me until 5:30, so fair enough. 

I've been doing wordle, and love it. Love doing exactly ONE a day. It reminds me of playing Mastermind with my friend Anna in 6-8th grades. Our teacher had the game, and we were allowed a portion of each day to play various games. Anna and I spent a lot of time with Mastermind. Wordle is the same idea, but with words. 

Zeppo had a mat on his back haunch. Not sure how that happened. I secured him, to his displeasure but he didn't skedaddle, and cut it off. There didn't seem to be a scab indicating an injury, just matted fur. He's not got long fur, but it is fairly coarse. Maybe he slept funny?  Got his claws trimmed at the same time. He doesn't seem to mind that. And once I have him, he kinda freezes - it's not relaxed, he certainly does not purr, but he doesn't struggle either. Mostly, he hates the idea of being picked up. There is certainly a story there, and we can but speculate. 

Futures

Zeppo is a spherical cat. 

When I head out from work, I send Dylan a message.  Often without words. 

I walk the tunnels to get some exercise in. This job is much more desk-bound than any other I've ever worked. It's about 3K steps. I get into my thoughts, and often I find answers to problems. Thinking deeply is part of the work. This week was all about finding mistakes I didn't even realize I was making. And then fixing them. Moving forward, resigned to knowing time machines do not exist.  Tomorrow I will do better.