Gratitude

Gratitude abounds

In isolated silence

Saving for later. 

I read but do not

express my dreadful worries

Backburnering hope.

Broken bones, torn tendons

Of course it hurts, nothing works

Must start again now. 

Rattled to the core

This is when we can change all

Shiva's fire cleaning. 

If I do not get up for work, Zeppo presses into my hip in the morning. When I stir enough to lay a hand down and rub his belly, he purrs loudly, Eleanor walks up me and settles on my chest. The other arm must come out to lay on her as she kneads and purrs. A recent ritual, a few weeks in the making. Zeppo past so much of his fear, there is further to go, but he is driven by his desire for love and capacity for love. Eleanor takes her own place and is content. 

We will, of course, stay away from those we love, out of love. To do otherwise would be selfish in the extreme. Thankfully, all our friends feel the same, and we so far have successfully repelled the virus.  Even Dylan's parents are still well. And we had to stop and remember how grateful we are that none of those we love have been sucked down the false rabbit holes of the day. 

Apologize

 I do apologize, but I've got to put these somewhere other than my head. 

In mitigation if not expiation, here. 

N-95

"There are so many unsung heroines and heroes at this broken moment in our collective story, so many courageous persons who, unbeknownst to themselves, are holding together the world by their resolute love or contagious joy. Although I do not know your names, I can feel you out there."
 - David Abram
commonplace

 Yesterday I got to share a small portion of what the ICU folks have been dealing with the past year. It's gotten so bad here, that in the OR we have to treat our patients as though they all have covid, even though all test negative before surgery. At intubation and extubation, if I'm helping the anesthesiologist, I have to be in an N-95 mask. Yesterday, since I only had an attending, no resident or CRNA, that was my job.  Since they are not simple to put on properly, I wore it all day, with a regular surgical mask over. All my fellow nurses in rooms did the same. 

It's not as bad as a gas mask*, but it does take longer to put on properly.  Which is why I left it on all day, as well as to be prepared in an emergency. The elastics left me with a nice headache at the end. Faces are just not build to have material tight against the skin for many hours, it's not unlike having a wedgie. But I can manage it pretty well. I've always passed my fit tests easily.  In Boston, I think I had them every three months, because of the prevalence of TB. 

We cancel at least one case a day for covid, sometimes more. This is out of about 15-25 cases scheduled.  And our director of anesthesia is still being his usual cavalier self about it, barely following the rules. 

I'm very careful, but I've developed a sort of fatalism.  So relieved I didn't get ICU work, the OR is much safer in terms of general infections. 

Zeppo is consistently seeking out our affection these days. I put my hand down at night, and there he is between us, and very soundly asleep. He comes up to me while I eat breakfast, to be petted a bit. A nose, a tail, nose again, tail. He sits with us in the evening, on the arm of the sofa, accepting a hand. 

*Which I found I could sleep in, as long as I didn't snore. 

Ass

 Feel free to share. 

Puzzled

 The words refuse me,

Stuck in fear of counting eggs

Unhatched chickens still. 

I know we have experienced professionals ready to pounce. I also know how many more will die in this strange war. There is no middle ground between lie and truth, between what really is and what the violent and stupid want to create.  

And that the world is full of suffering, whatever happens. 

We hold each other, talk to friends online, bemoan our cats' complete ineptitude with jigsaw puzzles (Zeppo has hidden one piece, Eleanor has contributed a fair amount of fur), and keep on. 

Chair

Cat has my chair. 

 

War

 We have been at war, undeclared and hidden, but a war all the same, for the last four years. Their leader is defeated but they fight on and leave in their wake damage and propaganda. We have stormed the beaches, but the war is not over.  We are still dying, the camps unliberated, the war crimes continue, the traitors still in the government buildings. 

We have marched into Paris, but not yet gone house to house. 

I am not exaggerating. So much has been lost. That we have not seen swords, tanks, soldiers shooting, is just a matter of a modern war, different sorts of deaths and casualties. We saw assault vehicles here when peaceful protesters met police with white supremacy goals, and helicopters waging psychological warfare on the populace. Shortages and hoarding. Corrupt legal systems with preemptory sentences. Extrajudicial murders on our streets, shooting insurgents. Disrupted families and scapegoating of minorities. 

But as so often after wars, there is a chance for substantive change, uprooting of old values and institutions, deadwood pruned away finally.

No guarantees. 

We have experienced professionals about to take charge, people with integrity. Not perfection, gods save us from perfection. 

The weight lays heavy on hearts. Last night was a spark of what could be. A Gettysburg victory leading to progress, but not actual progress. Not yet, but heard in the distance and approaching. 

Sarah Kendzior-
The same people who said "It can't happen here" and then "No one could have seen it coming" will now say "It wasn't really that bad." It was. Do not let anyone rewrite the history of the Trump admin years. History must be remembered to ensure it does not repeat.

One reason Trump got into office was denial or ignorance of history -- how fascism rises, the emergence of far-right movements globally in the 21st century, and especially the selective autocracy always practiced against marginalized racial and ethnic groups throughout US history

Forget this history at your own peril -- and at the peril of the world. We have defeated an aspiring autocrat at the polls. We have not dismantled the corrupt conditions that made him possible and that will make successors possible. Trump was a culmination, not a fluke.

 sigh.

Later

Take care of the laundry later, I'm comfortable here.  

Hardest

 The waiting is the hardest part.We did sleep a bit last night, knowing there wouldn't be good information until later today or later this week.  Our state is a blithering idiot, as usual. But at least our city is sensible. Too much to deal with, too much to process.  The waiting is the hardest part. 

Zeppo shows his affection subtly.