Micromeadow

 

Meadow

Ten years ago...

 And now

Punishment

 There was a story this week about a parent punishing their child by having them smash their phone with a hammer. A lot of people rightfully called this out as emotional abuse. I did not watch it, because just the bare story threw me back to a punishment from my toddlerhood. 

I've written about it before. (third paragraph)

I was pre-school age, around Christmas. I was told not to go in my parent's closet*, an under the sloping roof room that fascinated me. Well, playing hide-and-seek with my mother, I forgot - as little kids do. It was just a great hiding place. I wasn't intentionally disobeying, I wasn't an inherently naughty child. 

And one of the Christmas rituals was that when I was good, I would put a piece of straw in the crib for babyjesus, to make it soft and warm for the baby - who was put there on Christmas Eve. At that age, everything is literal and concrete, and I took this duty with utter sincerity. 

When mom dragged me out of the forbidden closet, the punishment was to remove one of the bits of straw. This week, it occurred to me that she made the baby my whipping boy. "Behave or the baby gets it." May not have been her intent, but without being able to put it in words - that is exactly the lesson I took from it. It was cruel, to be made to hurt someone else. 

It was, I think, a foundation upon which I built both my sense of duty, and my rejection of imposed obligation. And my sensitivity to coercion, especially if they wanted to use me to hurt someone else. 

*Obviously, the presents were stashed there. I never noticed them. I was punished for potentially spoiling the surprise. 

Linen

 

Yesterday morning, for the first time in way too long, Dylan and I went out yardsaling. And did very well. 

An old oak school desk, that I'm starting to clean up. It has a D carved into it. 

Black opal earrings from Australia.

A black felt hat. 

A linen tablecloth. 

Spend under $10 for the lot. 

We also made it to King's English Bookshop, and I now have Bernadette Banner's Make, Sew and Mend book. By five pages in, I had a better understanding of sewing than my mother the seamstress ever taught me. I have a much clearer understanding of the WHY to go along with the rote instructions. And an attitude toward clothing, and how I will dress for the rest of my life. For a start, I will pick up a lot more linen tablecloths at yardsales, with the intention of making and mending clothing with the fabric. 

Still very low on spare energy. But we finally had friends over last night, and it was wonderful. 

Lush

Yes, I am starting to recover my energy. The garden blooms. 

The inherited pink rose, still has aphids, but neem oil is keeping them from too much destruction this year. 

I believe this might be a toxic plant that has volunteered here.  Going to spend time time looking it up. 
 

Addendum: Yes This is Euphorbia myrsinites, and 

• It was listed as a noxious weed in Salt Lake County, Utah in 2007, and since has been illegal for sale within the county.[14] Salt Lake County landowners and land managers are legally responsible to contain, control, or eradicate the species on their property. The Utah Native Plant Society has also formally recommended it be listed as a Utah state noxious weed.

Muck

 After three weeks of hardly any cleaning, we tackled the living room.  Cleared the clutter and dust, vacuumed. I'm tired, but not utterly exhausted. The tinnitus is no longer feeling like the Vacuuming Fairy is having a really good clean in my ears. It's back down to a more tolerable volume. And the place smells so much better.  It wasn't just messy, it was dirty.  If I thought I could tolerate† a housecleaner, it would have been tempting.  A lot of it was black fur...

Warm today, more irises blooming. Eleanor enjoying open windows and fresh air. I'll probably take her out to sit in the grass and catnip later. 

†I can't. Hired a couple of very nice women when I broke my arm, and they did a great job, and I hated every bit of it except the result. I felt shamed and acutely uncomfortable the whole time. I greatly prefer to be responsible for myself, and have to sit on my hands in restaurants so I don't 'help' the waitstaff. I use self check out whenever possible. I clean my own messes. 

Fatigue

Allium

Bearded irises

Saskatoon Serviceberry

Slowly clawing my way back from the plague. Again. Went to work yesterday, double masked, stayed away from patients. So tired, fatigued, but well enough. Today, a whiff of 'still sick' - but only slightly. Dylan got me out walking, and I got a lavender plant and some Thai basil.  

He was better pretty quickly - since he got the anti-virals. I did not qualify, so I'm harboring a lingering malaise. His birthday pretty disappointing - although he went to a movie and chatted with friends, so not awful. He has a blank plague-check for a celebration. 

The garden has been a comfort throughout, blooming away. 
 

Bloom

The one 

Giant Desert Candle is finally blooming. 

This one got crushed during the furnace installation, so I thought - well, maybe next year. I was a bit heartbroken, though. Today, apparently, my despair was hasty. Looks like it's going to give it a go as well.

No giving up too soon. No hopelessness, no helplessness. Keep pushing on. 

The awful coughing is gone. Still feeling a bit awful, some congestion. Staying home tomorrow. Had Tuesday off anyway for Dylan's birthday. I can return to work on Wednesday. 

 

Lunaria

 Moonwort volunteered behind the compost for years. I spread the seeds repeatedly, but this year they finally decided to spread. 

Others are blooming, too. 

Veronica

Irises

Lentils

Allium

Still a bit sparse, but it will go lush soon. 

My cough sounds like a cat having a particularly stubborn hairball. Which makes it worse, because I laugh and cough and can't stop either one. 

"A word with the suffix -wort is often very old. The Old English word was wyrt. The modern variation, root, comes from Old Norse. It was often used in the names of herbs and plants that had medicinal uses, the first part of the word denoting the complaint against which it might be specially efficacious. By the middle of the 17th-century -wort was beginning to fade from everyday use.[1] The Naturalist Newsletter states, "Wort derives from the Old English wyrt, which simply meant plant. The word goes back even further, to the common ancestor of English and German, to the Germanic wurtiz. Wurtiz also evolved into the modern German word Wurzel, meaning root."[

Positive

 Dylan tested positive last Saturday.  I finally tested positive as well. He got anti-virals. I won't because I don't have any risk factors. I've been symptomatic all week, still had 3 negative tests. Went to work Friday on the instructions of Employee Health - stayed double masked and stayed completely away from patients and kept my distance from staff. 

Will not go to the big community garden's plant sale today, which is sad. 

I'm supremely annoyed with my immune system. 

Started the awful cough on Thursday, but that seems to be over now. Just the fatigue and malaise with lingering congestion now. 

I just hope I didn't pass this on to anyone. 

To reiterate, I'm fully vaccinated and boosted. 

Dylan's birthday is Tuesday, and I feel most awful about not being able to get him out with friends to celebrate. 

Bugger. 

Conspiring

 Two cats conferring

On the warm part of the floor

Around dinnertime.