Suspicious

 So, one of the weird issues I've come to happy terms with is my hair.  Which is not straight. I'm at the loosest level of curl/wave. A situation that seems to have caused my mother great anguish and no curiosity  whatsoever. It explains why my hair took a perm to its little keratinous heart. 

As the vitamin D supplements support hair growth, it's become rather obvious that the younger, shorter hair has a pronounced curve, the older and longer hairs weigh down and keep the wave only nearer the end. This results in what my mother called messy and flyaway, but could more charitably be call tousled. 

And therein lies the real problem. She was not kind, not interested in seeing me for who I was and finding something to like.  When I deviated from her ideal little girl, she worked hard to change that. For all that my father was outright abusive, her treatment of me was ground into my soul. 

It's not about the hair, it's about how she saw me, or failed to see me. And her utter lack of interest in me as a distinct personality. 

The old cptsd has been triggered over the past couple of months, and I'm struggling to get it soothed. So all the old crap bursts to the surface.  Children are not so much resilient as impressionable.  They accept their reality as Just How Things Are, and spend the rest of their lives reconciling that with consensus reality. Or not, as the case may be.

Finally saw a Primary Care doctor yesterday. Mostly relieved, my skin issues are irritating, but not indicative of anything else. My crackpot theory is that I am dealing with the aftereffects of covid, long covid. Body pains, skin issues. I have no proof, and I won't swear to it, but I'm deeply suspicious. My BP is higher than ever, and I'm heavier, but nothing critical. Which could be post menopausal, or the two combined. Pretty much on track for living into my 90s.  Dammit.

They have changed my schedule, with my reluctant consent, so that I cover clinic on Thursday as well, with no admin day. It's horrible, but I have to agree it's necessary.  Every day I work, I have clinic, outside of the odd Monday.  With the new guy starting Jan 2, it will take about 3 months before he's working independently. This is going to be a process. 

Luisa

I’m pretty sure I’m worthless if I can’t be of service.

Finally watched all of Encanto last night. I'd seen clips and various commentary on it. And sobbed. Repeatedly. While also giggling. 

I love that Luisa in her dream rides a donkey unicorn. 

As much as I adore Mirabel, Luisa speaks to my soul. 

Especially now. 

Actually started reading a book, and it's captured me. 

Eve: How the Female Body drove 200 Million years of Human Evolution

Muddle

 Three months ago, my colleague in Ortho decided to find a new job, for very good reasons of her own. And I knew it would be until January before a new person would be hired and start. Our Nurse Practitioner is also retiring at the end of this month, and should have retired over a year ago. 

I have been, in a very real sense, been covering nearly 3 full time jobs since October. Yes, I do cry a lot. 

Others have gotten involved, which is overdue, but changes in how this speciality works, or fails to work, are happening. The new guy starts beginning of January,  and we will both be learning. 

This is rather like when I battled the Hedge, excavating the rose bush from it, clearing out the deadwood. The process is painful, it looks ugly for a while, but it is necessary. And, in time, makes everything work better. 

Everything in life needs a good clearout, now and then. 

I've had a bit of inspiration about the nature of gods.  Or at least the One God of the ridiculous self proclaimed christians. This being cannot be omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent.  Because error is so clearly fundamental to the universe.  What could be perfect that contains irrational numbers, for a start? 

No, GOD cannot be perfect.  Love and life are inherently imperfect. Perfection is the antithesis of both, stasis and death are perfect. No - god must be creative, curious, poking into every corner and ringing all the changes. Look to the simple cells and creatures who reproduce by division and cloning, only adaptable to the extent they have mutation errors. So sex comes in to mix it up further, try anything to change. The more complexity, the more 'error'.  Maybe even the rules change as each layer of quantum expands life. Not to mention how sex is all over the place, in practice, in inclination, in expression, hormones, anatomy and over time. It's all a glorious muddle. 

The story of Eden is backwards.  Adam and Eve were not quite alive, held in a pretty but unchanging reality. Only through curiosity and exploration do they begin to grow souls. They choose 'disobedience' over perfection, as they should. Held in a gilded cage, they had to escape. Oh, and that the man birthed the woman, clearly the story is inverted and that is the first big clue. 

This is the first time I have even wanted to write here, since the last time. It's all felt too much,  Here at this nadir, where the water pools, the urge to write sprouts.