Solstice

Codename

We've been playing Codename:Duet.  A sort of word and strategy game. Eleanor thinks she plays it really well. We keep the rug on the table so she will mostly sit there. 

Here's to getting it better next year. 

 

T-cells

 Last two shifts of the year were challenging. Not bad as such, because the people were all good and everything worked, but it did take all the work.  

Started Monday with a two surgeon case, and ended with another one which was a Surprize!  Multiple procedure cases with different surgeons are not twice as difficult, the complications are squared. Don't even ask about 3 surgeon cases, not even as a joke. 

Tuesday I was on resource/lunches, and got in my 15Ksteps. Only 4 rooms, and I had a good set of fellow lunchies,  which was good, because rooms came down in waves, pretty much at the same time all day long.  Even at the end, like we were playing dominoes with cases.  

Two more of our staff got the call for their vaccines, and hurried off at 1700 - I was happy to clean up so they could go.  Hopefully it will work to prevent the newest strain. 

Second dose for me on 20 Jan. They scheduled the second dose while we were in line before we'd gotten the first jab, and it took me a second to realize the significance of the date. 

I have to wonder if the reason they are getting as many of us covered is in preparation for the third wave that is rolling in.  All hands*. It would make sense. My local area has always been handing this fairly well, but the state as a whole is as bad as it gets.  Stay well, make antibodies. 

*Even these old hands. Oh, and I got an ADA exemption for the (new requirement)† quarterly-chest-compression-on-a-dummy-pass-off, because of the once broken wrist and the other wrist with an ulnar impaction.  Yes, they hurt, but as long as I don't forcefully and repeatedly hyperextend them, I can manage. 

†I think it's kinda a scam on the hospitals, because if you are in a hospital and need that kind of CPR, you're pretty much going to die anyway. Seriously, it's a last ditchHailMary at best. Out in the wild, if it's just a heart attack, it's still not that much of a chance. 

 

Twas

 Tis the morning of Christmas, and all through our house

The cats are mad chasing, without even a mouse. 

The stockings are stuck on the dartboard with darts

They're empty, that's fine, so full are our hearts.

The cats were both nestled all night on the bed

We were both sleepless, from thoughts in our heads.

Now Dylan plays his guitar, and I drink my tea

The dawn will arrive soon, and nothing to see. 

Out in the world such a fearful old clatter,

Of wannabe kings, and lives they think don't matter.

Away with the racists that just want to bash,

Throw out corrupt deadwood,  the rich and their stash,

The moon sulks in the trees bare of leaves or of snow

Enough to enlighten and more light to throw. 

What to my hungering heart should appear, 

But a world full of souls who keep working to hear,

And so many hands so eager and quick,

I knew there'd be vaccines, though the trouble so thick. 

Though slower than turtles the changes they come

And many days late and too little for some.

On Harris, on Biden,  on Fauci and AG!

Now Voters, Now Teachers, Now Alexandria-Octavio-Cortez!

To the end of the year, to the Inauguration, 

Now Isolate, Isolate, Isolate all!

Vaccine

 First step taken.  My hospital has vaccines, and my turn came up.  My greatest fear in all this, personally, was that I would be a vector. This reduces the chance. Second shot next month. 

A place to park, even. 

Distanced line. 

The nurse who gave me my shot was very good, and turns out he did a year in my old ARNG unit. I was flashing back to my first polio vaccine, which was indeed on a sugar cube. Later vaccines were shots, and I had 'em all.  Then in the military, where we got shot in both arms as we walked through a line, leaving us sore and bewildered. 

Waiting 15 minutes to make sure we didn't have a bad, immediate reaction, while they played bad pop Christmas music at us. 

Live, all of you who read here. Wear masks, wash hands, keep a distance, get enough sleep.  Be of good cheer if you can, but living is the first bit. 

Cobby.

Put up the trees, one in the Music Room, since Dylan is in there so much of the day, and it's kept warmer, which the cats love. 

It snowed, and is supposed to snow tonight as well. 

We got a wingéd foot ornament. 

Zeppo hangs out more. 

He is, at least in part,  a cobby cat.  

 The cobby type is comprised of a compact body, a deep chest, short legs, and a broad head. This cat's eyes are large and round. Cobby breeds appear heavy-set due to their short and wide bodies, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're fat. Cat breeds considered in the Cobby category include Persians and Manx.

Trying not to despair of this place I live.  Watching the KKK rise again terrifies me.  I have to get up and go to work and take care of what I can, and it all feels too much. Missing Moby.  We've lost John LeCarre, his books so much of our early days together. 

So, I read Hogfather again, and hold on until tomorrow. 

 

Holding

 

Holding on, getting with friends virtually while cats crowd.  Staying safe and waiting for hope to arrive. Approaching the solstice, the hour of death and darkness.  So much death. So dark. Focusing on the job in front of me, and the love of cats and friends, since there is little else to do but wait. My country has gone mad.  We must survive to salvage what is left. 

 We got another puzzle. 

 

Sharing

Sharing the tree. 

 

Gratitude

Gratitude abounds

In isolated silence

Saving for later. 

I read but do not

express my dreadful worries

Backburnering hope.

Broken bones, torn tendons

Of course it hurts, nothing works

Must start again now. 

Rattled to the core

This is when we can change all

Shiva's fire cleaning. 

If I do not get up for work, Zeppo presses into my hip in the morning. When I stir enough to lay a hand down and rub his belly, he purrs loudly, Eleanor walks up me and settles on my chest. The other arm must come out to lay on her as she kneads and purrs. A recent ritual, a few weeks in the making. Zeppo past so much of his fear, there is further to go, but he is driven by his desire for love and capacity for love. Eleanor takes her own place and is content. 

We will, of course, stay away from those we love, out of love. To do otherwise would be selfish in the extreme. Thankfully, all our friends feel the same, and we so far have successfully repelled the virus.  Even Dylan's parents are still well. And we had to stop and remember how grateful we are that none of those we love have been sucked down the false rabbit holes of the day. 

Apologize

 I do apologize, but I've got to put these somewhere other than my head. 

In mitigation if not expiation, here. 

N-95

"There are so many unsung heroines and heroes at this broken moment in our collective story, so many courageous persons who, unbeknownst to themselves, are holding together the world by their resolute love or contagious joy. Although I do not know your names, I can feel you out there."
 - David Abram
commonplace

 Yesterday I got to share a small portion of what the ICU folks have been dealing with the past year. It's gotten so bad here, that in the OR we have to treat our patients as though they all have covid, even though all test negative before surgery. At intubation and extubation, if I'm helping the anesthesiologist, I have to be in an N-95 mask. Yesterday, since I only had an attending, no resident or CRNA, that was my job.  Since they are not simple to put on properly, I wore it all day, with a regular surgical mask over. All my fellow nurses in rooms did the same. 

It's not as bad as a gas mask*, but it does take longer to put on properly.  Which is why I left it on all day, as well as to be prepared in an emergency. The elastics left me with a nice headache at the end. Faces are just not build to have material tight against the skin for many hours, it's not unlike having a wedgie. But I can manage it pretty well. I've always passed my fit tests easily.  In Boston, I think I had them every three months, because of the prevalence of TB. 

We cancel at least one case a day for covid, sometimes more. This is out of about 15-25 cases scheduled.  And our director of anesthesia is still being his usual cavalier self about it, barely following the rules. 

I'm very careful, but I've developed a sort of fatalism.  So relieved I didn't get ICU work, the OR is much safer in terms of general infections. 

Zeppo is consistently seeking out our affection these days. I put my hand down at night, and there he is between us, and very soundly asleep. He comes up to me while I eat breakfast, to be petted a bit. A nose, a tail, nose again, tail. He sits with us in the evening, on the arm of the sofa, accepting a hand. 

*Which I found I could sleep in, as long as I didn't snore. 

Ass

 Feel free to share. 

Puzzled

 The words refuse me,

Stuck in fear of counting eggs

Unhatched chickens still. 

I know we have experienced professionals ready to pounce. I also know how many more will die in this strange war. There is no middle ground between lie and truth, between what really is and what the violent and stupid want to create.  

And that the world is full of suffering, whatever happens. 

We hold each other, talk to friends online, bemoan our cats' complete ineptitude with jigsaw puzzles (Zeppo has hidden one piece, Eleanor has contributed a fair amount of fur), and keep on. 

Chair

Cat has my chair. 

 

War

 We have been at war, undeclared and hidden, but a war all the same, for the last four years. Their leader is defeated but they fight on and leave in their wake damage and propaganda. We have stormed the beaches, but the war is not over.  We are still dying, the camps unliberated, the war crimes continue, the traitors still in the government buildings. 

We have marched into Paris, but not yet gone house to house. 

I am not exaggerating. So much has been lost. That we have not seen swords, tanks, soldiers shooting, is just a matter of a modern war, different sorts of deaths and casualties. We saw assault vehicles here when peaceful protesters met police with white supremacy goals, and helicopters waging psychological warfare on the populace. Shortages and hoarding. Corrupt legal systems with preemptory sentences. Extrajudicial murders on our streets, shooting insurgents. Disrupted families and scapegoating of minorities. 

But as so often after wars, there is a chance for substantive change, uprooting of old values and institutions, deadwood pruned away finally.

No guarantees. 

We have experienced professionals about to take charge, people with integrity. Not perfection, gods save us from perfection. 

The weight lays heavy on hearts. Last night was a spark of what could be. A Gettysburg victory leading to progress, but not actual progress. Not yet, but heard in the distance and approaching. 

Sarah Kendzior-
The same people who said "It can't happen here" and then "No one could have seen it coming" will now say "It wasn't really that bad." It was. Do not let anyone rewrite the history of the Trump admin years. History must be remembered to ensure it does not repeat.

One reason Trump got into office was denial or ignorance of history -- how fascism rises, the emergence of far-right movements globally in the 21st century, and especially the selective autocracy always practiced against marginalized racial and ethnic groups throughout US history

Forget this history at your own peril -- and at the peril of the world. We have defeated an aspiring autocrat at the polls. We have not dismantled the corrupt conditions that made him possible and that will make successors possible. Trump was a culmination, not a fluke.

 sigh.

Later

Take care of the laundry later, I'm comfortable here.  

Hardest

 The waiting is the hardest part.We did sleep a bit last night, knowing there wouldn't be good information until later today or later this week.  Our state is a blithering idiot, as usual. But at least our city is sensible. Too much to deal with, too much to process.  The waiting is the hardest part. 

Zeppo shows his affection subtly.

Sides

Peeking out from 'doomscrolling.' Thinking about all the Rs going against the evil one. Glad to have them, without forgetting that they are like the Russians after WWII, useful but not to be trusted after. 

 ‘We’re on the same side here!’ 

 ‘No. We’re just on two different sides that happen to be side by side.’ -T. Pratchett.

Language

 Speaking the right language is important.  This from Rabbit in Headlights.

I think this is why we have such nice cats, we know how to listen to them, and so they trust us to respect their boundaries.

Example of belly exposure as invitation to play fight. 

"I feel like the reason certain dog-lovers insist cats are evil is because they read their body language as if they were dogs. So here’s a very basic guide to common “mean” things cats do that actually aren’t mean at all if you know what they’re thinking.

Rolling and exposing belly- attacks you when touched

Does not mean: Give belly rubs! - haha I tricked you! 

Actually means: I’m playful! If you reach for my belly I’ll grab your arm and bite it because I think we’re playfighting! 

Lazily exposing belly - still attacks when touched
Does not mean: tricked you again!
Actually means: I’m showing you my belly because I trust you. Please don’t break that trust by invading my personal space. I might accept a belly rub if I’m not ticklish and I know you well.

Snapping at you while being pet
Does not mean: I suddenly decided I dislike you!
Actually means: You’re petting me in a way that gives me too much restless energy. Please focus on petting my head and shoulders instead of stroking the full length of my back next time.

Is in the same room but makes no attempt to interact
Does not mean:  I’m ignoring you
Actually means: We’re hanging out! I’m being respectful by giving you space while still enjoying your company. 

Slapping/scratching your hand when you try to pet them
Does not mean: I hate you!
Actually means: You’ve failed to establish that we’re not playing, or the way you’re approaching me scares me. Be calmer, speak more gently, make eye-contact and blink slowly at me before you try again."

Wet

It snowed.