Friday, May 15, 2026

Week

 I knew it was going to happen. A sleepless night and sleeping late the next morning. In part because I took drugs at 2AM. 


I knew it was going to be a long process, and I’m only at a week.  The exhaustion is a bit less, I think, maybe. I’m trying to stay busy in the garden, and not let the pressure of undone projects push me. The time sensitive garden tasks are, and I’m managing to keep up with those.


The buzzing hum in my head, in my every cell, warns me against speed. 


Slow is not my natural state, learning to stay deliberate and attentive a recent challenge. 


Seven years of breaking myself, to learn everything in a new way. Broken bones, death, covid, despair. Chipping the clay, soaking and wedging it, so I can be something else. Smaller. 


It has only been a week. 


Wednesday, May 13, 2026

Texted

 Already the lone coordinator running clinic, in the FEMA trailer in the parking lot, I’d gone to the office for something. Made myself a cup of tea to deal with the cold space available with a phone, I started down from 3 to B.  The elevator doors were shuddering back and forth, so I thought “It’s fine, I can take the stairs.” Joint fellow texted me a request, I responded I would do that as soon as I got there.


Two minutes later I texted her that I’d broken my ankle. 


Nice to have a timestamp.


I was just past G, opened the gate, down about 1/3rd of the way, and my heel slipped. 


Not sure if I went down one or two steps, but I was still holding on to the handrail. I felt the bones go, and screamed.  And kept on bellowing because I was very alone and out of the general flow of traffic. Oh, shit, ohshit, ohshitohshitohshit. 


My insulated tea mug was at the lower landing, a pool of tea around it. 


I texted my fellow, because it was the last text, so easy to respond to, I was not going to be there. As well as my friend the clinic nurse, who would need to know. 


And then I was surrounded by nurses*, they’d brought a wheelchair. Getting me up and out was not easy, because my ankle was floppy-floppy, and my brain insisted I needed it to get up. Another scream or two until I vowed to not put it down again. 


My intact foot was not up to hopping my full weight, my whole body was shocked. The efforts of two men to get me up to floor level was… awkward. Somehow I was in the wheelchair and they trundled me to the ED. 


Practicality switched on  the moment the Primary Care staff had arrived, evidenced by my giving one of them my card so they would have my full name. I was clear, calm, and only shouted when I put my dislocated left foot down.  I was making a joke of it. And texting various team members, including the Foot & Ankle surgeon I scheduled for, because of course. 


Once I was settled on a gurney, and ED nurses/docs had done their stuff.. texted my dear one. I didn’t want to scare him until I had some real information to give him. 


I remember needing to get to the restroom, and a bedpan was not going to work. It was that time of the morning… . That was a bit of an ordeal, but a very accessible restroom, and a nurse got me in and out with minimal alarm. 


A trip to Radiology, and back.  More calls with doctors and residents, texts to others. I was chipper and coping.  Dear one present, nurse friend and attending ortho doc visited and held my hand a few moments. I was directing them to gather my laptop and other items with PHI. Reached out to my payroll/admin person, I remember requesting that the Primary Care people put in an Incident Report. I recall one of them saying they would call housekeeping to mop up the spilled tea. All this is jumbled in my head without proper sequencing.  


I remember the ED nurse saying, “Yeah, this is going to need surgery.” Which was disappointing. 


I remember Dr. Foot&Ankle asking me where I wanted this done, and I said at the U, because the VA and Workers Comp do not play well together. He replied that the VA doesn’t play well with anyone. 


Thing is, I was coping really well, until they decided to give me ketamine to set my ankle. It was awful, perceived weeks in that hallucination.  But I was aware and in pain when the big resident wrenched it into anatomical position. Sorry “reduced the fracture.”  Emerged after that dizzy and vomiting. My good mood and ability to joke and cope had been erased by that damn drug, and that persisted. I never really managed to emotionally stabilize after. However the ankle was splinted and stable. 


Hours after the fracture event, finally released and with a plan. Someone had gotten me a knee scooter, and we gathered up my stuff to drop in the office. I had a sick bag and was using it still.  The Spine NP was there, and insisted on driving us home. Which was good, because getting in the house took more muscle that I had, and both of them grabbed an arm to get me up the 5 stairs. 


It all gets blurry then, although I do remember falling in the bathroom, but that may have been the next day. 








*or nurse adjacent people.

Monday, May 11, 2026

Silt

https://youtube.com/shorts/66N_v42SCrA?si=1FkLySYsD6I70_PE


Sleep is a mess, but I’ve very deliberately chosen to Not Mind. So what if I wake up in the middle of the night? I can rest later if I need to. I don’t have to perform anticipatory sleep to make sure I can function all day.  


Same with food. I don’t have to eat now, because I won’t have another opportunity - and I can’t crash then. 


Paying attention to what I really need right now, and not hoarding for later, is a change.


This is just my first real day of not going in to work because I am retired. The weekend went pretty well as I caught up on some of the more pressing and deferred tasks. Cleaning and weeding most urgently. Probably the first flash of pent up frustration at needed work too long held back. 


So, I’m mostly gushing.  Like those dam releases where all the silt is extruded by the pressure of the water behind. I expect this will settle down over time.


This is not like being out when injured. This is not like anything I’ve done before. 


Wow, I think I’m living in the moment. 


Weird. 

 

Saturday, May 09, 2026

Retired

 So much of my life the prime virtues were to be Smart and Useful. 


And I embraced this, became capable and reliable.  It was my value as a human - to be knowledgeable and quick. 


These aspects of myself are crumbling. I’m not as sharp as I once was. My brain is stumbling, and I will no longer be a nurse after Friday. I will no longer drive, the car will be rehomed. 


So how to I find self worth? Because I don’t even want to be Useful like that anymore.  And my mind is singed and exhausted - nothing much I can do about it that I’m not already doing.


But, Kindness has been growing in me. I can expand my natural Curiosity. I can be slow, and gentle with all who surround me. 


My wit may fail me, but I can spread peace. My heart can soften with compassion I was not capable when I was young. Radical love for the whole damn suffering world. 


It’s an old person’s role, to drop the burdens for others to salvage. I am just starting on this final chapter, there is much to be done - but no hurry. It will all happen as it should.