Chill

 Slogging through carefully. 

Thanks

 Nothing else to do over this weekend, for the first time in two months. Slept hard last night, a bit sore and stiff this morning. Eleanor woke me up, and has now claimed the bed. 

I needed a list of references, and found, as I so often have, that I have more friends than I thought. I need to write them all with more than a brief" Thank You!" - which was all I've been up for in the midst of all the forms. When I've got my first paycheck, I'm off to buy nice cards and thoughtful small gifts for every one of them. So much support from so many people is humbling and touching. This process has been... hard. Just hard. Walking on rocks in bare feet. 

My foray to the VA campus was a bit of flashback to my time on army bases. Something about it that is familiar. The phrase ran, "There's a right way. A wrong way. And an Army way." It was the first really effective experience toward dealing with my childhood - in ways difficult to clearly explain. Being shouted at by someone insane and out of control is different from being shouted at by someone in complete control of themself.  I've wondered if abused and neglected children who wind up serving are prone to worse PTSD, it's an area I think should be properly studied. The mild to moderate cases, the walking wounded in heart. 

I look forward to working more slowly, thoroughly, kindly. Taking time to talk with people.  Fostering curiosity and gratitude.

Drought

 Not bad for June, in the middle of a drought. Not enough, but today, right now, it's lovely.  My eyes relax, my skin calms. 

VA forms and processes are proceeding apace. My head whirls, but it's all getting done.  Fingerprints tomorrow to start the background check process. Physical  on Monday. Personal references.  This is a lot more than any other job, but I heartily approve.  This is a Big Deal.  And I take it with the seriousness it deserves. 

And the rain falls. My garden smells wonderful. 

Greenbee

 

Yesterday felt like a deep trough after a gigantic rogue wave. Pressed down, unfeeling, immobile, helpless. Today I woke up early, showered, dressed, trimmed the hedge, attended the Dog Circus* next door, photographed the sunflowers, and now I'm writing. 

Feels like I can get stuff done today. Dylan got me through most of the forms, since that is his area of training - his army job was as a file clerk, so he knows them well. Strange to me that I can fill out other people's paperwork and charting masterfully, when it comes to my own I'm swamped with anxiety. 

*Next door neighbor sits out with Dog Spike, and has made friends with all the neighbor dogs, who now meet there and play at mid morning.  I get a bit of dog time, which has been an immense blessing the past couple of months. 

Process

 I've been offered the job.  It's the VA, so there will be a process, which I have started.  

Shiny

Our shiny cat.  He's getting more and more secure, sitting close, allowing touches that we initiate. His past losing its grip on him. 

 Two months ago. I thought I was smiling. Really did. 

Still deeply worried about income, but at least I'm rested. Every day I do at least one Thing toward securing the means of life. Thankfully Dylan has so well husbanded our resources for many years we are still ok, still safe for now. 

I want the job I interviewed for, but I have put it behind me for now.  Well, mostly. I was never good at forgetting.  As J. Austen says, A good memory is unpardonable. 

Just read Austen Years: A Memoir in 5 Novels by Rachel Cohen, a clear, sad, hopeful book about loss and life and Jane Austen. So, now I'm reading Mansfield Park - slowly. I've read some Austen before, enjoyed it more than I expected, but did not read it carefully. Preferring to fill in with filmed versions.  The literary coward in me holding me back. But in recent years I've come to enjoy re-reading, close reading, slow reading, and it's time to soak in Jane's writing. 

It's been an era of grief and rupture, the ground state of humanity. 

Prickly

 

Meringue infused with 

Nickel nuts, broken steel screws.

Work muffled in fluff.

A day obtunded, heat and dry winds, smoke and ragged sleep. So much to be done, so little doable.  Squishy, sticky bitter covering over hard core fears. 

And the first sunflower appears on prickly stems. 

Kintsuge

Guarantees

Update:

It got to 103˚F yesterday. And down to 3% relative humidity.  Broken records and drought. This summer is going to be awful.  I keep spot watering the garden, to keep it cool and green. The compost will dry out until there is rain again. No need to keep it going through this, it can wait. 

The interview went well, I think. Made them laugh a few times. I think if I am a good fit, they will take me on. Video interviews are weird, the three interviewers were floating on a standard office virtual background, and one kept glitching out. Dylan triple checked that the remote program was installed and working properly, because he is an IT guy.  I made sure ahead of time that I would be at a good height and angle with good light, because I was a theater major long long ago.  I accidentally named dropped a surgeon, and they all sighed and laughed and said "OH, We know Dr. G!"  Which, they may have a quiet chat with him, and I think he would recommend me in his own way. I know he trusted me when I worked with him, so... well you never know. 

We shall see. I will continue the search as if it were already decided, which as far as I have any control over it, is true. And if it comes down to it I'll take piecework as a medical transcriptionist. Pay not great, but will cover mortgage. 

Eleanor insists on being taken out for a nap in the garden, I make her wait until the tree shade is completely covering the front meadow, about 3:00PM/1500.  Hot, but still enough shade so I can tolerate it. Maybe next year I'll work on getting Zeppo used to the harness and get him out next summer. He'll be challenging, but I think it's possible.

Nothing is easy for anyone these days, life comes without guarantees. Humans want sure things so badly, but they don't exist. 

If you have not seen Blaire Erskine, she is amazing. Satire so sharp and on point. I keep up with her on read-only-twitter (not reading comments makes the site much less toxic, which is easier to do without having an actual account.) Apparently she is on instagram as well, but I've never waded in there. 

Pause

Zeppo comes in for a bellyrub, stretches out his feet, purrs.  He's gotten much bolder, more comfortable, just in the past few weeks. Always knew he would grow into being the affectionate cat he is, and will become. 
 

"Measure once, cut twice... DAMN! It's still too short!"

I was told this joke when I asked my patient what the procedure for him was that day, a revision amputation of his leg for bone cancer.  I laughed. Of course I did.  It was funny, and he had a right to make it and have it be appreciated.  I keep it in my heart. His life ripples on. 

Got an interview on Monday.  I am genuinely hopeful, I could do this job, and enjoy it. More information as it becomes available. 

Meadow

 This meadow lives here

Instead of lawn. Invited 

spreading lush and green. 

Blackberry

 

Blackberry flower. Thompson thornless. 

 

Cat Sebastian, owner of the neighborhood, terror of all dogs. 

Still fishing for jobs. Started a time/sleep study that pays, could last a year, quite a lot to it. Wearing a wrist device for a full seven days and nights. Why not contribute to science while I idle?

Got the car emissions inspection and fee done today.  Still hot and dry, potential fire weather.  Rainbow flag up since the 31st of May, for all our neighbors. 

Sparrow

 She will stay out in the garden as long as I let her.  Usually I have to pick her up and bring her in, to her complaint and annoyance.  This day she suddenly moved toward the driveway, a scatter of house sparrows, and she stealthily turned toward me.  I knew. She'd caught a bird. I had to tap her head and make her release it. Didn't seem injured, flew off immediately. Eleanor was pissed at me. 

Knew she was fast. 

I continue to apply. Trying not to feel it too much, stay calm.