Real

A place to write haiku together. 

My favorite so far,

oh little virus

BARBARA • PHOENIX, AZ

You’ve forced us to stay inside 

LEXY • NEW JERSEY, USA

Let’s dance without pants

LIZ • JERSEY CITY, NJ

Talked out, cold, empty.  Tomorrow, a more suitable desk and warmer room.  Hoping to get set up to work from home.

This shit is real.

Rolling

If they set me up to work from home, the newly cleared spare/shop is ready. With cats.


A friend wrote about her coping mechanisms.

"...board games and card tricks, taking walks, singing round the piano after dinner, reciting poetry by the fire, knitting socks for soldiers..."


So I had to add, rolling bandages. Which I actually do, although not for the current crisis. For one surgeon who does not use elastic wraps for his knee surgery patients. I took over the job because I'd get snapped at for them being too short, and I hated that some previous nurses would roll these in the lunch room. I took it to the steel back tables in the hall, measured the best-generous length, worked out an efficient system to cut and roll them. The full bias roll makes about 20, and I can do two rolls, 40 wraps, in about 20-30 minutes, which lasts a couple of months or so. The bin for them is full, and will stay full, for a very long time.


Untitled from Zhoen on Vimeo.

My work has a free Will feature, so we did that this morning. We'd thought everything from one would go to the other, but then remembered this week that we both have wills. From the ramp up to deployment for GWI, which would leave everything to our respective parents, then eldest sibling. This is not ok by either of us. Set it up this morning, if we're both gone, Dylan's smartest brother will get everything, and we can just let him know any further details. He's an honorable person, and will share out appropriately. The Department of Veterans Affairs has promised to bury us. A local friend will make sure our cats have a home.



I start tomorrow taking calls. Called up.

Must roll with it.

Beets

A former work colleague went to become a garden educator, a Doctor Gardener, with a PhD and all. She's had to switch her classes to all online in an instant. Got interviewed on local news, delayed because the earthquake happened on the first attempt. I really miss working with her, she was a great nurse.

More snow overnight, but it's pretty much all melted again. Any snow I don't have to shovel and doesn't make my drive hazardous, is just fine with me. Means more saved water in the mountains and a reservoir against drought this summer.

Got some fresh beets this week, so I'm eating beets and yoghurt now. Figured out to boil beets in the microwave, takes about 17 minutes, and they turn out exactly right. Same as I do potatoes. Heat proof glass bowl/4cup measuring cup, drop in root vegetable, fill water to cover, spritz of oil, let boil. (Microwave may need to be cleaned after, but it's not too bad.)



They wind up soft all the way through. Same as I do potatoes. Potatoes can be refried to get spicy and crispy.

That's my only real cooking tip.

Mentioned to Dylan that the divorce rate in China is spiking.

"What! Really?" he exclaimed, expressing no surprize at all.

We figure it will here as well. Not to mention a few murders and or murder/suicides.

Waiting for a gravel delivery, to sop up the mud in the back drive. Something to do today.

Here, have some science history.

Guy scoffing at waiting in safe distance line outside Trader Joe's. Kept trying to pick a fight, and I declined to respond.

"Jimmy Christmas, what is this?"

Oh, dude not paying attention.

I did check to make sure he wasn't crowding me.

"What!? You think I'm going to sneak up on you?"

Well, yes, it seemed likely, jerk.

"Living in fear now!"

No, taking proper precautions.

Had to avoid him several times in the store, until he dropped his raspberries under his cart and around his feet.

Thinking about people who never get past their adolescent invincibility phase, mostly men I suspect. Not all. I never had that particular delusion, but I've seen it often enough.

Gnomon

Finding the most beautiful light. Streams in through the laundry glass bricks in the shower stall, right through the hallway, at this time of year. Our house a sundial, the Zeppo the gnomon.

The OR staff are going to be "redeployed" to wherever the need is. This all changed yesterday. Everything is changing hour to hour, and no one can keep up. Our RNs are mostly going to be doing Care Navigation, the calls taken by clerical/certificate staff escalated to RNs. We then assess and reassure and, as appropriate, schedule tests, and visits (virtual or in person). I have promised myself not to hurry through the calls, to deliberately go slowly and work thoroughly. Take my time documenting. That will help, I think. Starts Monday.


Our IT folks are setting us up so we can work from empty ORs, my regular schedule-ish. There are no elective surgeries, only urgent ones, which accounts for less than 1/20th of what we normally run. I expect further use of our facility as the need increases. We have in-patient beds, clinic space, ventilators, we could certainly do swabbing to then send the tests in. I'm sure someone is already looking at this.

This is just great for my burn-out. Just great.

Lots of dreams, got some sort of face work from a very professional stylist, and a haircut in my dream last night. Really nice sort of double bob, brown underneath and slightly shorter black on top, he was very fast with the hair, too.


Reading about the increase in domestic violence, had to stop and hold Dylan tightly.

Shaved his head in the bright morning sunlight in the now clean laundry. We are so fortunate. And that's part of why I'm struggling to ramp up and do my duty. We've come so far to this place of comfort and security. I feel food-aggressive and territorial, snapping my jaws at any attempt to pull me out of my retreat. I will, of course. Feeling kicked while down, though. Eleanor supervised.

Quarantine

Of course, March had to have one last snow. April will have the same option, of course. This is what spring is, change and uncertainty. The hyacinth doesn't mind, nor do the other cold weather seeds, they seem to find it invigorating. The light is bright, after the grey rains. No shoveling needed.

Origin: Of multiple origins. Partly a borrowing from Latin. Partly a borrowing from French. Etymons: Latin quarentena; French quarenteine.
Etymology: In senses 1, 2, and 3 partly < post-classical Latin quarentena Lent (9th cent.), place where Jesus fasted for forty days (11th cent.), period of forty days (from 12th cent. in British sources (1419 as quarentina ); 13th cent. in a continental source), period of forty days during which a widow who is entitled to a dower is supposed to be assigned her dower, and has the right to remain in her deceased husband's chief dwelling (frequently from 13th cent. in British sources; see below), and partly < Anglo-Norman quarenteine, quarenteinne (Middle French, French quarantaine ) period of forty days, especially such a period set aside for fasting or penance, (spec.) Lent (all end of the 12th cent. in Old French), place where Jesus fasted for forty days (late 14th cent.), isolation imposed on people to prevent the spread of contagious diseases (1635; in this sense perhaps after Italian), in Anglo-Norman also period of forty days' residence allowed to a widow (end of the 13th cent. or earlier; see below), with suffix substitution

-OED

It will be more than 40 days. The wave rises, we can only hold on and find out later if we acted correctly.

Pop-up

Zeppo appears from Zhoen on Vimeo.

Zeppo being cute.

And links to various animal webcams.

Hadfield

Breathe.

Cotyledon

Rain totals 0.28" from last night, ground soaked deep. Evidence of germination, lentils and beans and sunflowers, they all look alike at this stage. Ontology recapitulates phylogeny†.

Mud in it's season
Soft for the cotyledons
Hidden underground.


We took to bed early, nothing else to do and so much time to do it in. Dylan has a book. Eleanor stretched out on Dylan's right leg. Zeppo jumps up, steps over Eleanor, presses his face into my nose, I start a belly rub as he drifts up onto Dylan's left leg. One big lump of cuddle.

I slept oddly. Dreams that I didn't register as dreaming until I woke up enough to think about it. No, I wasn't actually checking someone's mail surreptitiously, but legally, leaving no trace, but confiscating one package in a strange apartment with a mailbox in the wall beside the door.

Woke from one, got up, checked the weather, Zeppo singing for food. Fed him at 0345. Crawled back in bed, Dylan got up briefly, put on an audiobook, we settled back down. Eleanor had not moved from the middle of the bed. Zeppo jumped back up, stood on Dylan's shoulder, then flopped down between our faces, pressed his nose to mine a few times, and purred and purred. His purr is loud, truck engine with extra gravel.

Heard a guy roaring outside, Dylan went to check. He was struggling with his plastic bagged groceries, but seemed to be moving on. A moment later, the same screams. I'm in my pjs and robe, crocks (this is what I do for slippers), so I hesitated, but watched him in front of the neighbor's house struggling to carry his groceries. Fuck it. I grabbed a Trader Joe's bag, and ran out saying "Do you want a bag?"

He was wordless with frustration, but not angry, his hands out in despair. He took the bag, and I did my professional soothing voice.

"This will hold all that. It's ok, you're going to be ok. Take it easy, breathe."

I glanced behind me, and our local blind* guy with cane and rolling bag was walking toward us. Impeded sidewalk for someone with a cane. Frustrated Guy still flooded, so I talked to blind guy. "There's a man who's dropped his groceries here, take it slow."

Went back inside, no more wails of distress.


† It doesn't actually. But my biology teacher in high school had us learn the phrase to show off.
* I've spoken to him a few times, he knows my voice.

Life

Still life with hope.

Zeppo comes for tail strokes and mouth rubs, and often hangs out close to one or the other of us. He inches closer, we wait.



I weeded this morning, ideal work when the soil is soft with rain. Still getting the odd phantom aftershock. Blooms emerging.

Not my image, but a more complete version of the rainbow I saw yesterday on the way home.

Flail

This morning I got on the train for the 55 minute trip to the training center. It was no one's fault, but it was such a flail. Not due to lack of skill or attention, but the target is moving faster than they can keep up with. We don't know when we will be able to take calls, we aren't in those sorts of jobs. But we have the education, the critical thinking skills, the experience, to be able to take referrals from aides, escalate patients, or not, to clinical providers (PAs, NPs and MDs) for virtual or in person appointments. We just need the technical tools to make it work, and that is still in flux.



It's a desolate place in the far south west of the valley. But the view of clouds is impressive.

On the way home, a rainbow showed.



Lots of rain for the garden, Dylan tells me. Sad I missed it.

Giant

Tomorrow I get on the train to the south of the valley, and learn for eight hours how to screen/test(?) patients in this pandemic. I don't know what will be involved, or what exactly I'll be doing. Should have all the most recent developments in my head, though. Packing a lunch that won't need heating up, and a thermos of tea. I can't expect that they'll feed us, or have a cafeteria that is working, or a break room for a microwave and hot water. So, I will take my own, a notebook, pens, maybe a small bar of soap in a tin.

Using towels and moistened rags instead of toilet paper, then tossing them in a lidded can and then the washer, seems to be easier on my biology. More patting, less rub, dryer, seems to be good for me. Resting week, despite the free floating anxiety and shaking ground.

Hyacinth bucket.




Giant Desert Candle, one at least, promising to emerge.







Not a lot of change, but I can tell.

Resistance

Free ebooks from Archipelago books.


- Via LanguageHat.

Here's to loners and oddballs.

Or, PANIC! Panic! Panic! With Weird Al...



ahem.

Increasing biome
Good microbes, competition
Sturdy immunity.

Narrows

GZ asked about our childhood yards/gardens. I remembered it as being long and narrow. So I looked up the lot.


Lot width: 25 ft
Lot depth: 144 ft

The depth minus the house and garage was still pretty long, neither were very large. Say 90' long?

This patch of weedy grass with a concrete walk from the back door to the garage was my outside. Mom occasionally tilled a patch to plant tomatoes and radishes, and there was a sturdy rhubarb plant back beside the garage that I ate off of all summer. I had to pull dandelion and plantain weeds and edge. Later, I also mowed. There was a maple tree for a while, until it got sick and old and they cut it down. The grass never grew well there again. The fence to one side had a lilac, on the other side Mrs. Rizzardi's green grape arbor, that I snitched sour grapes from.

I sometimes had a swing set, a tetherball pole for a while, and the odd blow up pool. A couple of years there was an open sided tent and a frame hammock. Winter it was a snowman garden.

The front was just lawn, and a huge maple tree on the verge. Mom sometimes planted flowers right in front of the porch. Marigolds, I think. Lots of mosquitos.

Acutely

This bulb came free with something else I got last year. Can't remember what it is, but it looks impressive, and happy to be here. Rain last night and this morning, so the garden begins to really green up.

Much like when I broke my wrist last year, I'm finding the time without work is good for my roiled mind and soul. Not how I would have it, but given it, I will make use.

We've been chatting with neighbors walking dogs. Dogs come up to be petted, and we humans appreciate the contact by proxy. I wanted to give Mike of Mike&Spike a hug, he clearly needed one, so I cuddled Spike instead. Then Beth&Gus arrived, and much needed reassurance was shared.

There were more mild aftershocks this morning, I think one woke me, and I got up and felt another one - saw the necklace hung on the light sway meaningfully. Signed up for the local reddit, because I need the contact. Really glad we took that CE geology course a few years ago. It helps me to dig down deep into scary stuff, saturate my brain with data and experience. Worked for my childhood fear of close ups of eyes, when I took anatomy I felt much better. Wish I could have studied eyes much earlier in my life. Today, I've been watching videos of the 2011 Japanese tsunami. Indulging my morbid streak displaces the anxiety.


Today, I watch the necklace, and listen for the chimes, and if they aren't moving, I know it's just my heartbeat that I'm acutely aware of. A friend of ours called Dylan, and they chatted for a good hour. I'm so grateful for the check-ins from friends and family. Thank you, who left comments yesterday.

Earthquake

Magna is west of us, a half hour drive by freeway. We were within the strongest felt ring, at the eastern edge.



Woken just after 7AM by an earthquake. Cats dozing on me felt it at the same time I did. They bolted. The bed shook and rolled, I heard the various chimes, and a strange popping rumble. That sounded like the bricks somehow.

And there goes another one, smaller but just as clear.

And I'm reading about the 2011 Japanese quake and tsunami.

The first one I'd ever felt before was in Detroit, Mississippi fault. Third floor apartment. Thought the fridge was broken it was rattling so much. Then I realized everything was shaking.


Looked around the house. The stacked rocks in the garden are toppled. No other apparent damage. Power flickered and returned.


More as I find out more.


Third one strong too, not as much as the first one. 0804.

Another strong aftershock, 1313. Reported as a 4.6.

Peacock escaped from the Aviary, but was recovered safe a few hours later.

Screen

Listening to KRCL live. Charge RN brought in a pack of stick on green moustaches! I wore one on the mandatory* mask for the door screeners.



Planted the shamrocks, added the previous owner's much abused fire screen to moderate high desert sunlight.

Went in this morning, since I was not told specifically not to. They were going to send me home, then needed someone at one of the only two doors unlocked. I screened and directed people for a couple of hours. I don't mind, but it's perhaps not the best use of hospital funds to use an RN as a door greeter. Everyone is drifting between shrugging cheerfully and mildly irritated resignation. I'll be offering my time to do phone screening later today, not going in for the next couple of weeks. I can afford nearly two months just with my accrued time off, assuming they don't offer anything else.

Stopped at Trader Joes on my way home. Big sign saying "We're all in this together" and not to take more than two of any item, and not more than one cart full. While they weren't fully stocked, there was enough. I picked up more tinned herring, shelf stable cream, frozen meals, and our normal groceries, three bags worth. Didn't use a cart at all. And a half gallon of milk for our neighbor, who got gouged at the big grocery store, and was worried about getting more. He wanted to pay me, I refused.


Reading Ghosts of the Tsunami, perspective.

The big wave heaving
Roaring silent destruction
Are we high enough?


*It'll stop some droplets if someone coughs at. Not much help, but more is overkill in this situation. Just wash your hands well. With soap.

Kibosh

I was terrified of piranhas as a kid. Recurring nightmares of my toes in shallow water, bitten off by fish, specifically piranhas. Turns out, I need not have worried.

Got to work this morning, and the full, four room schedule, 16-20 cases, had evaporated to two cases total. Our disinfecting wipes were stolen over the weekend. So, to reserve supplies, only urgent cases will be done. Fractures, injuries that would inflict lasting damage or pain, that sort of thing. I checked my accrued time off, and should be fine.




So, got home, ate my lunch, and decided to do the paint wash on the red (before us painted brick), like I wanted to do last fall. My wrist snapping put the kibosh on that plan. Today, I got on it. I'm pleased, but it's very different, and I have to get used to it. It's not completed, I've learned when to quit for the day. Need to trim back the bush before I do the last corner.


I find myself in semi-permanent waiting for trauma case mode. A kind of prep-and-be-still, open a fresh empty page, breathe quietly. In Basic, the drill sergeants hammered into us not to anticipate. Wait for the order, specifically in drill, react when 'forward march' is given, and not before. I wait for green lights with the same sense of mind. Or for the patient to roll in, or the surgeon to answer the question I asked an hour before. Not knowing what my role will be in the current events, only that I will be doing something, has me feeling blank.

Dwarf

Dwarf Alberta Spruce, newly planted. If it gets too big, it will be long after I will be around to care. I will keep it pruned, as and when.

Thinking about this virus as I would Pink eye, which is ridiculously infectious, and in much the same way.

Reading a Peter Cotton short story, Redeemable.

Found an old post that I rather like.

A quiet before
harbingers of plague and war
Our backs together.

Careful

The problem with irrational panic and hoarding, is that once it starts, everyone gets swept along whatever they are thinking. If you want any food when people are clearing out shelves, you have to grab some as well no matter what you are thinking. The cashiers as we were checking out were talking about the size of the expected shipment they'd be unpacking the next day. We joked with them about the panic. We will slowly build up our reserve, especially of protein foods.

Friends over this evening, good food to share. We are all feeling careful, reasonably. Watched the first episode of Blackstone, and will not return to it. It's excellent, but devastatingly grim. Had to watch an episode of Partners in Crime to face the world again. Intelligent, funny, kind people, we are so fortunate to have found them.

Zeppo came out and face rubbed on Nicole's shoulder, then scampered off. Eleanor walked all over everyone and got lots of attention.

Rust

Photos.


For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat. I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink. I was a stranger, and ye took me in.

Naked, and ye clothed me. I was sick, and ye visited me. I was in prison, and ye came unto me.

On the Vanity of Earthly Greatness

by Arthur Guiterman (1871-1943)

The tusks that clashed in mighty brawls
Of mastodons, are billiard balls.

The sword of Charlemagne the Just
Is ferric oxide, known as rust.

The grizzly bear whose potent hug
Was feared by all, is now a rug.

Great Caesar’s bust is on my shelf,
And I don’t feel so well myself.

Zeppo curled up in the crook of Dylan's elbow last evening, stayed there more than an hour.

The library is closed to the public. My community gardens class on bees is now a webinar. University classes for the rest of the semester are online. If only we already had universal basic income and universal health care. Keep thinking of The Day the Universe Changed. And Love in the Time of Cholera.

Pan

Panic in the air
Classes and events cancelled
I wait, so calmly.

"Don't just do something! Stand there."


When those around me grow frantic, I plan and dig in, erase worries, breathe. And wait for the trauma patient to roll in. This is my training, this is my nature. I worry most when no one else is. My role is to watch for the right thing to do. When there is nothing for me to do, I protect my sterile field. My mouth is closed and relaxed, in a way that makes speech reluctant.

Yes, the masks are on lockdown, because lots of boxes of masks have gone missing, and supply is already a problem. Mexico already makes a lot of our drapes, this could be a windfall for their economy.

One of our surgeons that I worked with briefly this week, has been in contact with the basketball player that is down with TheVirus. I don't think I touched him, but it is a potential vector. Dylan works with the public, the most unwashed of all, and is likewise feeling the anxiety.


So, I dug up nascent foxtail grass and planted lentils and black mustard seeds. Dig in dirt, tend my little spot of soil. Wait for signs.

The Law of Unintended Consequences is declaring a takeover, or not declaring which is more to the point. Everybody turn in your cards and pull out a random hand. The infinite improbability drive is engaged.

Watch for falling petunias. Or whales.

Flinch

Swamped in a hard year
So behind and underneath
I dig up to light.

Both cats agree that the only place to sleep at night is on the bed with the people. Saw Eleanor give Zeppo one lick on his ear, as they nuzzled heads. They take turns with us, Eleanor confident that she is loved, lets Zeppo get his turn.

This morning, still in bed. After Eleanor got well ruffled sitting on my chest, she sneezed and jumped off. Zeppo beside me let me massage him, both hands, I put my head to his back, he purred and relaxed, one leg in a nonchalant attitude. When I sit here, he makes pass after pass for back strokes and tail catches. I nearly pull his tail, and he returns over and over. He reaches up to pat me if I miss a turn. He'll rub his face into my hand.

If I move my hand toward his head in a way he isn't expecting, he flinches. And it breaks my heart. I apologize, and let him approach in his own way, in his own time. He's doing so well, we have to remind ourselves how slow this process can be. How far he had to come, and how young he is still.


Dylan fixed our doorbell/intelligence test yesterday. I polished and restrung it today. The old spot needs a little paint, maybe later today. Maybe when I apply the greenish wash to the orange painted brick later this year.




Had a scrub tech of less than a year yell at me yesterday on a matter of sterility, in front of surgeon and resident, and she was not correct. This was after I twice had to direct her away from patient care parts of my job that are not in her job description and that needs to be done by a licensed person, or working under the direction of a licensed person. Since I don't trust her to follow directions, I will not let her do this under my license. So she decided to shame me in front of the surgeon, which fell flat. I hate having to talk to my manager about this sort of thing, but manager invites it, and uses the information appropriately, so I do.

Massage this morning, which both helps, and identifies the actual sources of pain. I have exercises planned. I also smell really nice.



A photo list of black cats.

Unwary

Night raining green growth
Morning of rich mud sprouting.
Unwary weeds pulled.


As I gardened, caught the eye of a young man passing. He smiles and says, "Don't work too hard, it is a Sunday!" I reply that this isn't work, this is fun.

But what I really meant was, this is devotion.

Not sure what to plant over Moby, it's a spot that hasn't grown much so far. Perhaps pansys in May.


Zeppo has started chittering at the laser pointer light. He comes up to us and chirps, demanding we start the game. Gamer-cat.

Early

First!

Spent the morning raking and moving autumn mulch to the compost. Planted onions in all the hard to grow spots in front, I think they might do well. Bought good soil and spread it in critical places. Clawed out foxtail grass before it has a chance. Lot of bulbs promising flowers in the next week or month. Stripped the salvaged xmas trees and spread the needles, acid for the salty local soil.

With luck, the catnip and lamb's ears will take over that bare space of the verge in a few years. Early to be getting started, still.

Lentils

I have taken my garden claw to the verge, and planted black beans and lentils. The latest sally into the battle of the weeds and foxtail grasses. Also coriander in the back, and a cutting from the neighbor's rose in a potato, by the fence.

Black beans and lentils
Nitrogen hopes, living soil,
Chemistry and worms.


Fewer hours has translated into more sleep. I can't remember the last stretch of my life when I slept until past 0800 every morning I didn't need to be up. In my defense, I wake earlier, but then Eleanor sits on my chest, and Zeppo needs to be massaged, until I fall back asleep.

They stay here most of most mornings.

Laundry

Old itching†, loose fur
Hot sun and heavy brushing
then a blissful nap.



"She won't let me up there."




"Nope."





Eleanor in the sun in the laundry. After a good brushing.


A list of stupid people stories. As I read through this, patterns emerge. People who never got the idea of object permanence or causality or consistency.

For various reasons, I have looked into various forms of magic and junk science, over the course of decades. Never could remember the details*, largely because they are not logical. Full of contradictory rules, like astrology and homeopathy. As I read through the above stories, it started to make sense that random 'systems' would make perfect sense to people who perhaps are unable to think logically, making up 'facts' as they go along, blind to blatant contradiction.

Conspiracy theories seem to soothe people, because at least all the awful stuff happening is on purpose, not just randomness. I personally prefer random chaos to intentional and directed malice, but I'm not a believer in... well, anything really. Comfort in chaos is not universal. And there are degrees, of course. From mild eccentricity, or religion, which are likely healthy coping mechanisms, to severe limitations.

Those irrational systems mirror irrational thought patterns, and should be studied as symptoms of disordered thinking. Just as strange phenomena need to be studied, not as objective truth, but as symptoms of how human brains malfunction. Belief in magic, ghosts, alien abductions, and other illogical processes should be treated as a brain disease array, as seriously as cancers and cardiac diseases.

How much is biological, how much environmental? And it's not just a matter of raw intelligence, because one nurse I worked with was very book-smart, but astonishingly stupid in unexpected ways. As we all are, if we are honest, but there is a range.

†Like whales...
*I have tarot cards, and use them as a way to look at problems in different ways, not as divination. I keep a cheat sheet for the meanings, because I can't remember without looking them up, every time.