I'm sorry. I did ask for feedback, but I am not really asking for a solution, nor even sympathy. I need this space to work out my thoughts. I have no place else.
And I have to ruefully admit, I am. The utter, word-defeating frustration at the slow stupidity, the callous disregard, the willful ignorance, the hateful self delusions, the hopeless immutability of the human condition. Even filtered through considered words written and scattered, you feel my hostility. As with most anger, it's fed from my fears. Inadequacy. Numerous weaknesses. My confident capabilities are swamped by my certain deficits.
I was raised on rage, and meek subservience, and as much as I avoid eating it anymore, it's in my cells, like the minerals in my bones and teeth from the water where I was born. I can choose, in times of quiet, to be gentle and kind, patient and appreciative, assertive and strong. When the speed increases, the pressure goes up, the learned civility slips from my grasp, and the core of crankiness shows - even if I don't actually express it. I unintentionally flash 'em, not even aware myself that I have become so exposed.
So what the hell do I do about this? I don't want to be this. I want to be kind and patient, but not if it means allowing myself to be stepped on. I have no middle path through the two. I know it exists, I just don't have a map for that way.
Paradox, this has to come from the outside in, since anything from the inside will contaminate any response with bile. I have to soak in another sort of reality, let it seep in and dilute the poisons. I know this, but knowing it doesn't change it, isn't functional in itself. I can't find the end to pull.
7 comments:
oh zhoen...doucement...
I dont hear hostility, I hear pain and self doubt.
They will pass and your usual confident self will re-emerge...my three dots are sure of it.
xoxoxo
Oh. It's so little a part of you, really it is.
Thich Nhat Hahn has a lovely little book on anger that you might find useful: I have.
I have found it useful, I mean :-)
It's a consistent and pervasive problem, it keeps coming up and inflaming my life. Dale, which book? I have a place down the street that probably has it.
rosie,
...
http://www.amazon.com/Anger-Cooling-Thich-Nhat-Hanh/dp/1573229377
Sorry, spelled his name wrong. I never manage to get all the 'h's in the right places :-)
I understand the frustration you feel, but knowing that you don't want to feel that way and being willing to change it is the all-important first step.
When I was younger, I carried my anger around with me all the time, and I swung it out like a club at people and things that threatened/failed/frustrated me. Eventually, I realized that this was not the way that I wished to be, and so began to watch myself for the tell-tale signs that I was ready to pop. By learning what it was that most often triggered my anger, I eventually came to terms with it, and learned to let go of things before I reached that breaking point. One of the things that worked for me was to turn that anger towards a physical project (like splitting wood or doing garden work or some form of hard exercise). This allowed me to convert the energy of the emotion into something productive instead of destructive. It didn't always work, and even now I still feel my anger rise, but it usually doesn't control me any more (unless I am very tired or ill, when my resolve is at it's lowest).
Whatever you decide to do will take time and concious effort. The good news is that the effort will grow less as time goes on. Righteous anger can still be acceptable, but it's enlightening to know how few things truly deserve that distinction.
Good for you that you are willing to look at yourself objectively, and are willing to change those things that you don't like. Personal growth can be difficult, but it is worth the effort.
Put yourself in those middle places with true explicitness and practice being the middle ground. It is through practice that you will reach your goal.
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