Calm

"There is the inner life of thought which is our world of final reality. The world of memory, emotion, feeling, imagination, intelligence and natural common sense, and which goes on all the time consciously or unconsciously like the heartbeat.

There is also the thinking process by which we break into that inner life and capture answers and evidence to support the answers out of it.

And that process of raid, or persuasion, or ambush, or dogged hunting, or surrender, is the kind of thinking we have to learn, and if we don't somehow learn it, then our minds lie in us like the fish in the pond of a man who can't fish."
- Ted Hughes
Via Whiskey River

My own inability to create or even read more than pertinent articles, worries me. I'm staying calm, to the point that people at work are telling me how calm I am, easy to eat lunch with, patient. I know I did the ptsd work, but I also know I get unnaturally calm in a crisis. Waiting, alert.

Trying not to feel much. Hyper-vigilant.

That rather lovely volunteer grass of spring is the kind I now know puts out the nasty spiky seeds. I'm working on digging them out of the now hard baked clay, raking away what I can. In fall, when it hopefully rains, I'll plant clover. Catching massive numbers of earwigs in my soy/oil traps. At least our water situation in the mountains and reservoirs is good this year. Even though it hasn't rained this month.