Got an email from my estranged brother, as mentioned. This guy is in his 60s. Why does he sound like a whiny 15 yr old?
Hi (Z), I know you probably don’t want to hear from me and I have no idea if this will reach you or not, but I just wanted to let you know that Aunt Madalene (sic) passed away yesterday morning. I don’t have all the details and am trying to get through to Aunt Betty to find out more.
Mom is getting by. Whatever you may think of me, I do still care. Not sure what more to say or how else to get in touch beyond this as I don’t know your phone number and am probably still blocked anyway. I hope you’re healthy and getting on well. Your brother, Bill.
Um. Madeline, for a start. This guy was on the honor roll, went to college, catholic school, the whole deal. I was close to neither aunt, to say the least, which he does know. No one contacted me when our father died. (I found out via google search, and came across the obit. Then I contacted them, after a search of less than five minutes.) His "care" is all words, no action, as per for this "family." I said I'd block him, but never did, (and never got an email) after he expressed disbelief that his father was abusive toward me. He can believe what he likes, but not if he wants me to listen to anything he has to say.
But so it was in this circle, saying I love you was enough, even when every action and inaction contradicted that. A massive, kin-wide policy of gaslighting. Don't feel loved? You're crazy, of course we love you, now shut up. When brother assured me he loved me, I told him read this blog, then we'll see. He didn't. After a few more prompts, still nada. I called it, and basta. All innocence, there, not his fault, nothing to do with him. All the right sorts of words, none of the right actions, no real interest, I'm just a prop. Sister shaped icon.
Fuck 'em. I have a family, they ain't them. My family thinks I'm funny. They listen to me, believe me, and take me as a full human being, a real character. My cats treat me better than my close genetic kin.
9 comments:
Thinking of you, also of a bereaved person who was so much happier living with her dog than with any member of her family. Her little dog was kinder to her and more appreciative of her than all her family put together.
How sad for so many that the genetic family so often is not the one that loves and nurtures us. And how fortunate we are to collect and build the one that does.
Today and its tribulations will soon pass, making way for a better one.
Hm. How 'bout the word kith?
"Kith": Old English cȳth, of Germanic origin; related to couth. The original senses were ‘knowledge,’ ‘one's native land,’ and ‘friends and neighbors’
---maybe that's the term we want for the folks who are our home folk.
(o)
"saying I love you was enough, even when every action and inaction contradicted that": yes, I know about that. Take good care of yourself xx
(o)
RR,
Good thing we have dogs, as a companion species.
Fresca,
A goodly word. I do have cousins I like a great deal, less than close kin. The kith of the kitchen and hearth nowadays are as you say. The kith of childhood are the close genetic kin I take issue with. Family are those I trust, who share their home with me, or who are most welcome in it. It gets a bit fraught.
Jean,
I'm sorry you know about it as well. It's a particularly twisted sort of ill treatment.
The ancestral threads woven are usually most tightly knotted and frayed. I've been trying to undo mine for years. I too prefer kith.
Valonia,
I've resorted to cutting the knots, but the shreds still stick, and the marks remain.
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