Eager

Eager to get to therapy tomorrow morning, feeling worn in that same damn spot.

Thinking about my father getting tired of my not knowing how to tell time on the clock, and another time, tying my shoes. So, each time, took me into my bedroom, and shouted at me until I'd learned. A miniature torture session, entirely self justified for him, past time for me to learn and irritating him, so there. Learning under pressure, with dire consequences. I learned, no question. Probably would have gotten those concepts within the year, but that wasn't his time-line. Impatient bully.

I've often been a prickly annoyance when trying to learn an important skill quickly. Never connected the two experiences before this morning.

D made a lovely goulash, which is to say a spicy stew that isn't exactly chili. Improved my mood markedly. Beer to defuse the forming clouds. Avoiding the news this week, too many trigger points.



I have a hole in my mind. I can't fill it, and I keep tripping into it. Eleanor slept on my ankles as I fell asleep. Moby curled up there as I woke. I have caring cats, tending me, defending me from night demons. Although I feel a bit like a time-share.


E from work understands this, he has one cat now, but used to have two. Got him laughing about the cat politics in the house.