Sandblasted, but on firmer ground.
Realizing, I would not have hurt my father, no matter what. Still don't want to actually hurt him. Just stop him hurting me. I feel sorry for the little boy he was, and whatever caused him to turn mean I would take from his damaged heart. Leave him to fate, yes, but add to the hurt? No. I will not be him, am not him, despite the impulse to avenge myself. His abuse of me was all about him. Nothing to do with me. Which could only have come from his own catastrophic damage. Raised by older brothers, mostly. The eldest, the un-spoken-of-one, perhaps the worst.
Sad thing is, he was a good neighbor, good worker, steady, loyal. Terrible father, of course. From my POV, an awful spouse. If only he'd been kind, loving, he would have been quite lovable. A dofus, clumsy, inept, doing his best, but good to his friends and family, loved by kids and dogs. Thing is, he couldn't do any of that either, because of the vicious streak, the addiction to rage. All sad and past, now.
Just collateral damage.
Raw and tired. Softening with beer.
When I got home this morning from the session, Moby still on the bed, where he was when I left. Beside him, a mere inches away, Eleanor in a mirroring position. Moby awake. I kissed his head and said, "well, this is sweet." Got the camera, as soon as I aimed it, Moby got up and left. "No, no photographic evidence!" Yeah, we progress. Even if I can't prove it.
Had another case of being a cat-share. Eleanor as I fell asleep, Moby as I woke up. They are taking care of me. As is D.
Weather coming in like a very long freight train, slowly, but with a lot of mass behind it. A long, long train, a turning.
5 comments:
glad it went well. it's always such a heartbreak when a person chooses to give in to their demons, or cannot outrun them, and becomes unloved and unlovable. my father-in-law is an example of that. horrible person - why would one choose bitterness and anger over love? boggles my mind.
my own session went well today as well. good person this time. she actually listened.
pc,
Same as one chooses heroin or meth, rage and anger calm the pain. After a while, there is no way back. Not impossible, but the strength to overcome it drains away with each indulgence.
It's never too late, but the odds get longer.
Platitudes.
I find cats are rarely interested in being photographed.
I enjoy the thought of you being a cat time-share!
Hurt people hurt people, as they say.
Takes some work to break the chain of hurt. Good on ya.
I like hearing how the cats progress!
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