Chill

 

He begins to find his chill. Allowing more head scritches, hangs out as we virtual gather with friends on Wednesdays. 

First session with top-up therappy, getting into the reasons I attract bullies, and how to defend myself without doing it so hard that I get recoil. There is a delay because of the world right now, but I can do a lot on my own while waiting. 

The doomsdayers cry out that nothing will change, and then everything changes. Not always from the expected quarter, not in a predicted way, but suddenly there is a new normal and the young do not know that we once assumed that monarchy was the only valid form of government. 

Sleepy

Eleanor crashed out in the garden, among the bricks and catnip. 

Got called off twice this week, and I don't really mind. Patched some of the concrete near the north foundation. It's sort of fun, really. Mudding.

Zeppo has everything he needs here, it was the first place he found to hide. He's taken up the spot again. We've been doing this puzzle, too. Not as hot this week, but enough to mostly stay inside.

Bookish

Zeppo by the books. 

Kisses

We've notice that Zeppo no longer has his loud, diesel engine purr. We guess this means it may have been a purr with some anxiety. He still purrs, but it's quieter, and he's more relaxed around us. It's still a very slow process for him, tiny incremental achievements, he does continue to stabilize. He can get unsettled, start to move off the bed, but then come back if we reassure him.

This morning Eleanor sat on my chest as I dozed, Zeppo flopped down beside, back paws touching my arm. As I woke, Eleanor slid off to rest on my arm, and Zeppo scooted in for a belly rub, his back leg over my arm, sometimes rubbing his nose on my fingers. Both purr, but softly. Cats pressed together, pressing me into the bed.

Treat Time is Eleanor's favorite, but we have to count them out or she horks them up. Dental and hairball control, so they are actually for a reason, too. Which is why it takes a minute to sort out, especially if someone with a camera isn't helping. Ahem.

Picking Eleanor up before treats is how we've gotten her to tolerate being picked up, a little. Another long, slow, process. Zeppo doesn't care so much, we think he gets excited about treats mostly because of Eleanor. He often leaves a few, which she snarfs up later.

Treat time with kisses from Zhoen on Vimeo.

Nope

"Nope, not going back in yet."

We'd already been sitting outside, with her in the catnip, for over an hour at this point. I didn't mind, I was laying down some soaking water, sitting in the shade, and it's not searing out yet.

It's not like I'll take her out later today.

Clear
91°F
33°C
Humidity 18%
Wind Speed SSE 9 MPH
Barometer 30.07 in (1018.29 mb)
Dewpoint 43°F (6°C)

Hot

104°F
40°C

Gosh

"How hot is it?"



"99˚F. Too damn hot."



"Darn, gosh. And cover your face!"

Meander

Chanson of Cat.

The long hard dry stretch of summer sets in, baking the air. As February is to winter, August is to summer. An act of endurance. A time of waiting until whatever emerges does so, or dies. The rain of Monday transient, however welcome.

This morning while still in bed, I scritched Eleanor's head and chin and she rubbed inside her ear with one of my fingers. So of course Zeppo flopped beside us. I turned enough to pet his upturned belly with my other hand, but he pushed it away with all four paws and claws extended in warning. I let my hand be pushed away, but held on to one of the back paws. And gently rubbed the pads, to the point that he stretched his foot, to get toes massaged. Both cat's tails meandered together.

A perfect moment.

Drab

Eleanor's favorite spot, on top of the dryer.

Spent the local holiday cleaning the dining room, really cleaning it. Yesterday, I covered up the last of the drably tasteful paint of the previous owners. With what remained of the golden yellows for the music room. Finally.



I keep catching it out of the corner of my eye, thinking the light is on. It's not, it simply isn't a light-sink anymore. Grey, I mean, what were they thinking? So much dark.

Edit: with lights.


This is our Gallery. We will put our various Arts back up soon.

Implementation

Twice this week in dreams, I was being held. My father holding me from falling or turning, but I wasn't in danger, and I had to scream at him and fight him to let me go.

I don't really recall times that he did this, he was more a screamer. Or he'd grab and spank when I was very small. Once at an overlook, he grabbed me back from a rail. Physically was usually an affection expression, even if unwanted. Angry was verbal, if incoherent. This hold was an arm in front, an arm in back, strong and tight. So I think this was a metaphor, past damage restraining me. I know enough to fight this tooth and nail.

Looking at de-escalation techniques, but they are largely for dealing with violent people in crisis rather than obnoxious bullies in the workplace. Therapist got me talking about my grandma, my father's mother. I never really knew her, since she had little English and was pretty much bed-bound by the time I was old enough to even try a conversation. She died when I was 19 or 20, and I told therapist how I was proud that I was able to sit and hold my father's hand at her funeral mass. Still hated him, but this was grief and I did my duty with compassion. Much like when my brother called to tell me of our mother's death, I responded as a kind nurse, saying the right things. How I felt didn't come into it, I did the right thing.


This I think is the key to moving forward. How to implement it is the issue.

Meds are working nicely without apparent side effects. Probably because I'm sleeping better, Eleanor slept pressed against my back all night. Zeppo has been singing a LOT at night, not sure what's going on with him.

This just around the corner. We've thought about putting up a BLM sign, but the local chapter has had dubious financial issues. This is a bit too much for a private home, it is on an architectural office. We don't want our house to look like one of those cars plastered with every bumper sticker ever made.

Unique

Art in a time of plague.

In gratitude and sorrow, John Lewis.

Each of us unique.

Finches

Oh, yeah, she loves Dylan most of all.

Got an rx for an anti anxiety med. Low dose, low side effect, one of the older ones. Hoping for subtle effect, so far maybe feeling a little more stable(?). And a different job in the not too distant future, nothing in clear view yet. And a visit with my emdr therappist at some point. And with the state holiday next Friday, five days off in a row. Doing everything I can. Proof enough that this never was depression, which I bloody well knew, but didn't have an alternative.

It'll be ok.

Sat out last night with Eleanor among the finches and bees, everything lit with golden light.



Zeppo has been with us one whole year.

Numb

Mercifully short day. Anniversary of Moby.

Zeppo very vocal yesterday, last night, today. We've brought out the red bugge (laser pointer) various balls, he chases, but we aren't keeping him busy enough. He also found a fly all by himself, which kept him entertained for a while.

Eleanor is more about napping on the dryer, although she relished a good brushing. Got a substantial wad of fur off of her. The heat is doing a number on my gut. Dylan seems to have just gone numb about the whole mess.

Fennel

The back is where the fennel is.





Pumpkin vine, chives, jalapeños, and volunteer tomatoes, raspberries.


Not much of anything, but all together.



"I prefer my space."

Lush

He's getting relaxed even when we walk by him. Why here? He refused to explain. He may become even more nerveless than Eleanor, in time.

The A/C gave out yesterday. Repairman came by fairly quickly, checked out the whole system, replaced the compressor, and recommended we start saving for a new system over the next five years. The bill was entirely reasonable, especially for a weekend when it looks like we will hit 100˚F today.

The garden is lush, a haven for birds and bees. The sunflowers are dominant, but the bergamot has pushed its way into a sizable patch. Thinking of putting in cilantro later this month, let it germinate now and establish itself in the fall. Jalapeños appearing on one plant. Mexico midget tomato plants volunteered again, so we will have some of those. Fennel is 4'high and spreading. Some areas where the mustard grew are dry, but not supporting weeds either. No visible pumpkins yet, but the vines are impressive.

Primary

Dylan gets the best photos. Over the past year, Eleanor has been making up for lost time with him, since she is now Primary Cat for both of us. She sleeps on him most often now. Checks in with me, then tucks herself in behind his knees. I'm fine with this, we do know how to share.

Realized that I am dealing with an accumulation of anxiety. Since I was pretty successfully treating it with beer, but now I can no longer ever drink any kind of alcohol, it's built up. This is one aspect of the current work problem. I'm working on it from every angle.

Thread

Chlorion aerarium, Steel blue cricket hunter or aphid wasp, spotted checking out a crack in the porch frame. I daubed a bit of peppermint, to dissuade it from nesting too near the entry, but it is otherwise welcome. Thread waisted, black, distinctly wasp shaped. I don't mind wasps, as long as they give us room to walk by. Especially if they eat the many aphid and short horned crickets that enjoy the garden.

Sunflowers have started. One is very tall indeed, perhaps 7' high. Everything is exuberant and lush, the catnip has gone nuts. Bergamot starting to bloom, jalapeños forming, hummingbird trumpets budding, blackberry reaching out.



Eleanor demanding to be taken out every day, and staying out longer and longer. She doesn't worry me anymore, although I keep the harness on her as well as the lead. When startled, she runs to the door to be let in.

Today, she bounded through the house, up to the top of the tree, and stood over the astonished Zeppo who was lounging there. A minute, then she hopped back down to the lower platform.



Zeppo grows incrementally more comfortable with us, walking up to rub his face on our legs, and very nearly being ok with us petting him from a standing position. Dylan picked him up this week, and although he didn't relax, he allowed it. This will take as long as it takes, we have all the time in the world.

Hugs

via Liz Climo

I never thought of myself as much of a hugging person, but oh my I want to hug a lot of people these days.

At least I get to hug him as much as we want.



It's true, you never forget how to ride a bike. But you also lose those muscles, and you forget how much it hurts the bottom and how much effort it takes to go up a hill. I nearly biffed it in a way that terrified my hand. The rental bikes were heavy and clunky, much like the bike I rode most as a kid, a coaster abandoned in the alley that my father scrounged and got a neighbor-mechanic to get in working order for me. I loved getting out of the house on it, but riding for its own sake was never enjoyable.

Still, we got out, and it WAS fun. It's our 28 year living together anniversary, the one we always count. And Canada Day.

The issues at work are a wake up call for me. It really is getting too physically demanding, so I need to get into a different position now. I've been thinking of it for a long time, but not acted. It's time.