Implementation

Twice this week in dreams, I was being held. My father holding me from falling or turning, but I wasn't in danger, and I had to scream at him and fight him to let me go.

I don't really recall times that he did this, he was more a screamer. Or he'd grab and spank when I was very small. Once at an overlook, he grabbed me back from a rail. Physically was usually an affection expression, even if unwanted. Angry was verbal, if incoherent. This hold was an arm in front, an arm in back, strong and tight. So I think this was a metaphor, past damage restraining me. I know enough to fight this tooth and nail.

Looking at de-escalation techniques, but they are largely for dealing with violent people in crisis rather than obnoxious bullies in the workplace. Therapist got me talking about my grandma, my father's mother. I never really knew her, since she had little English and was pretty much bed-bound by the time I was old enough to even try a conversation. She died when I was 19 or 20, and I told therapist how I was proud that I was able to sit and hold my father's hand at her funeral mass. Still hated him, but this was grief and I did my duty with compassion. Much like when my brother called to tell me of our mother's death, I responded as a kind nurse, saying the right things. How I felt didn't come into it, I did the right thing.


This I think is the key to moving forward. How to implement it is the issue.

Meds are working nicely without apparent side effects. Probably because I'm sleeping better, Eleanor slept pressed against my back all night. Zeppo has been singing a LOT at night, not sure what's going on with him.

This just around the corner. We've thought about putting up a BLM sign, but the local chapter has had dubious financial issues. This is a bit too much for a private home, it is on an architectural office. We don't want our house to look like one of those cars plastered with every bumper sticker ever made.