Indecision (Comic)

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Value

An experiment a month or so ago. Guy stood in a London thoroughfare, offering £5 for the asking, wore a big sandwich board. Got very few takers. The researchers were surprized, and attributed this to British reserve, cynicism and distrust. I think the explanation is much simpler. If a guy stood in a Boston street, offering $10, when I was making about that much in my job (gross) in 15 minutes, it wouldn't be worth the perhaps five minutes to attempt the transaction, and miss my train. I was not particularly well paid in that city. Most Londoners would be looking at much less than five minutes wage/time - really not worth it. Plus, any large city has some Naturally Selected bright con artists - that would make a good lead in for a scam anywhere. Especially for a man expecting a woman to approach him on the street to ask for money. Pride would play a part, as well as safety considerations.

The other side of this, we value what we work for and pay for. Which is why so many forgeries of art or rare documents go unnoticed for decades. The higher the price paid, the less likely the owner is to suspect a fake. We care most for what we possess.

And not just things. Nothing quite like a friend who grows on you. Better yet, that you grow on them, despite their initial hesitations. We say we want free stuff, to be instantly liked, to fall in love at first sight, but we don't really trust those. We trust the truths we struggle to understand, the lessons that hurt, the life we earn.

Because cheap gifts are too easily lost. Light friends drift away from funerals and hospitals. Easy love wears off like temporary tattoos. Treasure is buried deep. The holy requires everything of us.

Guts

My gut tried to turn itself inside out this morning, resulting in my going no further than the bed and bathroom. Could not make myself make any calls nor run any errands. By the time of Moby's late afternoon vet visit, I was ambulatory, if not much else.

A stress reaction, which for me often hits as the pressure eases. I can get through crisis, and as soon as life improves, I fall ill, one way or another. Annoying, but better thus than crashing during an emergency. At least for me.

Moby more tense than usual with the vet, presumably because the last time he was there, they took out two of his teeth. He stayed pleasant, but also hunched in his bag. Had to be taken out, and did not relax during the exam - which he hitherto has. Not anything the vet was doing, she stayed calm and sure and gentle. Just a shot, which will be good for three years, and general check up. We need to be better about cleaning his teeth.

This last year, we have let a lot slide. Including our own dental health. I don't think we were letting ourselves realize how muddied we had become, how low we'd run our reserves. We are slowing filling up now, faint sloshing at the bottom, not enough yet, but not cruising on fumes anymore. Always takes so long to heal.

Moby's fine, if not exactly perky. Mewed the whole way there (less than ten minute's drive), but not at all coming back. Carried him back in through the building without the bag, but when I let him get purchase, he tried to get AWAY. Wound up holding him in a very undignified under-front-armpit dangle through the halls. Being a tad aloof now, we understand.

Almost

I'm not quite there. It takes experience, speed born of knowledge, and I am not quite there yet. I keep falling into the gaps. Which is hard for the nurses charged to train me. Hard to shut off the muscle memory and NOT do. I know how hard a thing I ask of them, because I still need them in the room for a little while more. Where is this, how do you do that? Less and less, but not quite at nothing. And I have to stumble, cope and get up again, but for a little while, I still need one who knows to be around to answer questions.

Today, well, today. A large number of minor hand surgeries, soft tissue stuff between two rooms. But S, though struggling, stayed with me, we laughed and I grasped every mistake, every task, as the last bit of chocolate. She laughed, and restrained herself, let herself be bored and sidelined, as I made my mistakes. The difference from when I was new, I always caught my deficits this time, usually shortly after I skipped a step. Missed this, missed that, will do that next time, had eight chances to try again. Stayed cheerful all day. Tired, but ebullient.

There is a procedure called a Bier Block, a regional anesthetic, that this surgeon wants on his hand cases. All day long, talking about Bier Blocks, and I kept complaining, "Oh, quit with the bier, makes me want one!" This is the university, not the mormon hospital, the joke goes down better here than it would have at Old Hospital. Feeling much more at home.

Tomorrow off, to take care of calls, groceries, veterinarian visit for Moby.

Thrombi

I've never personally dealt with thrombi, although I have taken preventative measures every day to reduce my patient's chances of developing DVT (deep vein thrombosis.) It can be dangerous, the clotting spreading like crystals forming, then break loose and wind up in a large vessel - causing a limb to die, or stuck in the heart, lungs or brain, with far worse consequences. Surgery increases the risk, partly through the immobility during the procedure, after the vessel opening (vasal dilation) from the anesthetic drugs during induction. Most of the time, it's a highly treatable condition, if painful.

So, I make sure people have TED, or compression stockings on, or SCD (sequential compression device) boots on. Air filled pressure boots that mimic the accessory pumping of blood back from the extremities (legs) usually done by big ole leg muscles. The tubed sleeves puff up, then empty, repeatedly over the course of surgery, and are often left on and hooked up, until the patient is up and walking. Not unpleasant short term, I'm told they are very irritating over days. The machines that kept the cycles going used to be very touchy, they've gotten better. I've seen consumer models for sale in airline catalogues.

"I've got some squeezy boots to put on you, they are to help keep the circulation good in your legs." Part of my patter, along with "I have a seatbelt for you, because whenever you go on a trip..." and "Please keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times and enjoy your stay..." The last for the gurney journey through doorways and halls.

I've put those tough, tight stockings on unconscious people right after total knee replacements, which is work. Having a hole in the toe (for access to assess circulation) means that the little plastic bag they come in can slide over the toes (the hardest bit) and the stocking can bunch up there without sticking. An old nurse trick, taught to me by an old nurse.

Sometimes, when I am talking to ICU nurses, I think I've forgotten so much of what I learned in school, I can barely consider myself a real nurse. I don't know meds or lab results for crap, wouldn't have a clue how to deal with an arterial line, aside from assisting the anesthesiologist. Then I get their questions about a particular surgery that their patients have been through, and I know it clear, through and through, and I figure, well, ok, then.

I remember what I understand and do.

Happy to translate, anytime. It's what I do.

Rewards

Today did not feel like ten hours, and I think, I think I may be falling back in love with my work. The people working there are kind and funny and professional, and eager to get me up to speed. I feel like I've landed in rose petals. Well, sterile ones, but you get my drift. No nights, no call, no weekends or holidays, only occasional late evenings. This is where experienced nurses who have been very good go after they've been beaten down for long enough.

I went through the third and last session of a research study on back pain, apparently the ideal subject to support their theory on low back pain. I have exercises to do to prevent a recurrence, this has to be a daily ritual. And it all makes perfect sense, an atrophied muscle that normally would stabilize the spine with movement, that fires late or not at all. I can change this, I can strengthen this lazy muscle. Belly rolls and back arches, and an impossible to describe sequence of four movements, not unlike the yoga cobra position.

Oh, and I spent a great deal of idle time this weekend, adding tags to this blog. After over 800 posts neglecting this feature, a daunting task. But with so much here, it seems only fair to somehow organize this mess.

Squish

Still struggling to deal with awkward hair, this is the progress since March 15. Won't stay back, can't glue it down, gets in my eyes, hat hair of fright-wig quality. As with much in life, just have to laugh and wait.

Just picked up Michael Palin's Hemingway's Chair, have not started it yet. Also found James Lileks' Gastronanomalies, which I have skimmed through, will go back over when I am not drinking tea and therefore in danger of spitting it across the room.

The long weekend is over, I have rested.

Visitor

We went to see The Visitor, having loved The Station Agent. One of those films that gets harder and harder to explain the more I try. Like describing a dear, old friend without sounding trite and superficial.

The preview gives a good sense of the joy. What it misses is the unplumbable sadness that roots the joy. There is so much told with throwaway lines, a gesture, a look, subtly building up stories behind the choices. A sadness that overtakes all of them, without completely extinguishing hope.

I came out crying, unable to stop for the grief, for the love among these characters, and the loss they all know too well, and too often. I have to imagine that they all find a way back to each other, that they find a haven, one that isn't America anymore. That these four broken, but great hearted people who keep on loving, knowing the agony, but still reaching out, over and over, will find a home.

Generosity, compassion, trust, grief, inspiring all their lives, as they open their arms to each other.

It's about the injustice of the immigration policy in the US today. Or the injustice of governments who destroy innocent lives. Mostly, it's about those people, who strive to connect and survive and love.

It's also about music and friendship. It's funny and warm and smart, with a thin thread of hope.

Noseprint

Moby's view of his garden. Grass in pots. He loves lounging by the window, peering. The 100˚ (37C) heat on the balcony doesn't deter him from wanting out, although it does cause him to curtail his excursions. Note the marks on the window. Gee, wonder what that's from. All at cat height...

Mailman

Another one from the Smithsonian. A mail route.

Have I mentioned that while we were in Saudi during Gulf War I, D was the unit mail-man? One of a team of admin folks, but he certainly did most of the shifts sorting and handing out mail. I would, on my 24 off (after the hospital set-up was done), spend the day with him, helping sort, doing the crossword in the Army Times, getting to know each other, surreptitiously holding hands, or slyly hugging his shoulder with my chin from behind. One of those intimacies that can be quickly withdrawn from without being definitely PDA, on duty, in uniform. Not like we were trying to fool anyone, nor did we, just kept it all circumspect, and deniable.

For all that D had no polished people skills, and could be rather clixby*, he also knew everyones name in the unit of over 400, and would stay of his own volition to give people their mail, when the busses back from the site were late. With mild ill-grace, sure, but not because he was made to by his boss, the aforementioned, mild mannered, Mark. (That's Sergeant Mark to you.) Mark, in return, gave him a day off when D's dad sent him The Secret Pilgrim, so that he could spend the day reading. Everyone called D, the Mailman, and came to rely on him.

That was the year of the musical greeting card, christmas cards in particular. Those got to us, eventually, for months, still playing tinny carols, much to the annoyance of D and the whole admin section. Especially when the recipient delayed picking up their mail further.

Whenever we get mail, one of us will ask, "Did we win?" He started that. Sometimes we do. Like, when the Fortean Times arrives.


*Clixby, from The Meaning of Liff by Douglas Adams, Politely rude. Briskly vague.

Cell

A turgid cell is a happy cell. One of those wonderful Shirkeyisms, from my tenth grade science teacher who laid such a solid foundation for me. I never really enjoyed cellular biology, until I got deeply into the subject. The more I learned, the more interesting it became, as the simplicity of initial lessons gave way to an immensely complicated interaction of electro-chemical games of Red Rover.

Cells, like muscle cells, whose walls stretch out to form the the top layer of bones. Periosteum, literally, around the bone, integral to it. Bone cells - that have excellent blood flow. Blood cells lacking nuclei, part of being a mammal. A universe inside a membrane. That likes to be taut, neither flaccid nor about to burst, just happily turgid.

Anyone who claims to understand, just by belief alone, how and why life is as it is, is hiding in a fearsome simplicity. Arguing the words of the gods into illogical piles, instead of facing the dark unknowables - and the real essence of the transcendent that could be called god, for lack of a better word.

Peer into the brilliant night, and be awed.

Canada

Well, cats from Boston probably came via Canada, from ships that landed in Labrador and Nova Scotia, right?

Firsts

First days are always hard, no matter what, no matter who.

Have done them often enough to know, and they don't get easier, although I cope better after so many. Early, keen and smiling, willing and able, oh, yes. That kind of energy expenditure, half of it on not screwing up, the other half paying top price to be attentive. Showing my sense of humor without embarrassing anyone. Jumping into the dance, too much and I fall, too little and I get stepped on. Bruised if I do it about right.

My head aches, to match the feet and back. The heat is huge (97˚/ 36C) and nauseating, and I have not got the permit for the underground parking yet. No rain will make it down through that dry blanket.

D continues his search, and I am helpless.

Honor

My favorite scrub, the one I most trusted and enjoyed working with when I left, was also a man I disliked on first meeting, and for years after. I found him intrusive and abrasive, too sure of himself when he was wrong. We had no interests in common, polar opposites. He pushed at me because I'd been in the military as well, had tattoos, our only points of similarity. Not a good move, to insist at me. I retreated with all walls up. It didn't matter much, since we rarely worked together then, I had my own areas, he scrubbed ortho mostly.

When I returned, I went to ortho, he worked as a private scrub for three of the ortho and total joint surgeons. I had to learn the specialty for this hospital. He taught me, but the distrust and dislike were still there, and we had a few hostile interactions. Gradually, we learned to trust each other. He knew this stuff cold, and his confidence matched his abilities in this area. I earned his trust, learning fast and taking care of him.

One day, he was working in a lot of shoulder pain, I went the extra miles to make life as easy for him as I could. Not because it was him, but because he needed help. I filled the gap, which I consider my responsibility, my personal feelings being irrelevant. He recognized the kindness, the work done, and started giving me some benefit of doubt. We began the dance that day, trusting each other. I caught his non-verbal cues, and acted appropriately to them. A gesture, and I got him the needed supply, or took the reminder to fill the saline pitcher. He joked, and I joked back, we both began to laugh.

One day, I had not been assigned in his room, until I relieved another nurse at three. Nearly smothered in the effusion of gratitude, I heard about all the disappointments and frustrations of the day with other nurse. Surgeon, PA, Anesthesiologist and Scrub all complained about her inattention, contrariness, ineptitude. And welcomed me as Salvation.

One day, recovering from a cold, he disappeared for a smoke break (no, I didn't give him shit about it, I just look at him, and he knows, oh, he knows.) I got all his supplies opened for him. He walked in, and the look on his face was worth it. Yeah, it's good to work with people who are on your side.

After I told him I'd put in my notice, he made no effort to hide his distress. Nor did I. In all those earlier years, I could never have imagined I would so grieve him, nor that we would give each other such a warm and caring hug. I still feel that pressure build up behind my eyes, knowing we will not be working together again any time soon.

We never just chatted, would have little to talk about together. Only on the last day did I learn he had been married four times. We knew each other only on the surface, and at the depths of our ethics, the midranges held no common threads. But we could dance the OR tango, fast and fluid, wordlessly. He's the best, and he thought the same of me. Quite an honor.

Art

Goats in appropriate materials.



Smiling faces, even the cyclops.



Feet, some of which may have been as sore as mine.



And two gutsy singers.

The Arts Festival here is always interesting, sometimes more than others. The heat is always an issue, though. Today, it sucked away what little energy I had. And my old Tivas rubbed my toes red. The pottery booths failed to have any mugs to my taste. I only saw two pieces I would like to have possessed, but not at the prices asked. A change from earlier, when I dreamed of having the income to have art in our home. Now, I don't really want anything, save what I use daily that is well made. We have a bit of art, made by a friend, that we have not put up in this place. But we are preferring the clean walls and lack of fuss.

Not to mention the orange juice and soda with lime over ice. Hydration. Ahhhh.

Doodle

A long week. On the second day, first of nursing orientation, we were offered 'toys' and told that the research shows that keeping our hands busy helps people listen. Encouraged anyone who wanted to bring in their knitting or clay or whatever, would be welcome to do so, and that all our speakers were aware, and would not take offense.

There were rubics cubes and coloring sheets, crayons, pencils. This saved me from falling asleep many times, and provided some entertainment for those around me. I made a crane and a bunny out of my first day's efforts, and trashed them as I left. These are some of my elaborate doodles this week.

Orientalism

One more day. Five days of hospital and Nursing Orientation.

And, honestly, if it weren't for the back pain, I wouldn't mind so much. I am getting a lot of specific information that I can use. Much is either refresher, or will not apply in the OR, where I work. On the other hand, if I do help out with anesthesia recovery - PACU, a little more of it will apply. Next week is when the real orientation begins, the charting, the timing, the procedure protocols, what they call that thing and where they keep it in this facility. Where the fire alarms, extinguishers, and exits are, the crash carts, defibrillators, restrooms, lockers, cookie stash.

I'm rather hoping they will mostly throw me in and shout encouragement from the shore, honestly. At this stage of my life, that is far less frustrating than a lot of hand holding and hovering. Scary, but far less stressful in the end.

Mary once told another nurse, referring to me, "Oh, don't worry about her. She's a pro." I stood up straighter from that moment on. Yeah, I thought, I guess I am. I've thanked her for that several times since.

Got off a smidge early today, so I am already home with tea inside. Got discount tickets through the new employer for the Arts Festival, which we will mosey over to attend tomorrow afternoon. It'll be a hot one, but that's normal. We will stay as late as we can, since I don't have anything Saturday. Expect photos.

Drifts

My brain is full of old lessons reiterated.

How to wash my hands and what a stroke is and general patient care. For a while, I pondered the point of my existence and the ambiguous role of high tech medicine in the modern world.

I want a massage more than I can express, and as soon as I know my schedule for certain, I will go for one. My back is screaming blue-pain at me, and there is little I can do this week. Doing what I can.

Paper drifts threaten to engulf.

Portents

We drove up to Ruth's Diner, up the canyon. Cooler, cleaner air, to eat among trees. A treat, a date, and we always enjoy ourselves. As we walk out through the patio waiting area, I sense a familiar face, a moment to confirm in my mind after the changes a decade and a half can make, and there he is. Mark was D's sergeant when we were in Saudi for Gulf War I, a dear, kind smart and funny man, who is also a lawyer and investment banker. He appreciated the irony. Warm embraces all around. We chatted, caught up, all comfort.

Driving home, D - who served as the unit mailman, says Mark wrote to his wife every day. She wrote back at the same rate, although the mail did not come through as regularly. Little numbered missives counting the days. He wore two watches, one for the local time, one for the time at home. He no doubt kept us both sane.

We remembered his wife from Mark's retirement from the Guard, still a memorable woman. She worked in the system, if not the department, where I will start Monday. She reassured me that I would be very happy there. And Mark's father, who had a large facial laceration, newly stitched. We did not enquire in our brief meeting.

It's always struck me how, in those moments of transition, that people appear from other cracks in time. As I ran into my best professor the day before we left for Boston, quite by chance, not having seen him since the class from the decade before, and had the chance to express my gratitude and remembrance.

Balcony

Mostly Cloudy 96°F (36°C)
Humidity: 8 %
Wind Speed: SSE 8 MPH
Barometer: 30.06 in (1011.70 mb)
Dewpoint: 24°F (-4°C)
Heat Index: 91°F (33°C)
Visibility: 10.00 Miles



No change in sight. Enough clouds appeared for us to brave the balcony for a while. Moby doesn't care about the heat, but the blower for the AC/heat is out there, and he is just not down with that. Nor loud trucks that come up the driveway below the level of our apartment. Other than that, he has a bit of grass in pots, air, sun, and that much more territory. Today, he lurked until the fan shut off, then slunk back in when the forklift made an entrance. We all yearn for rain. In a desert.

Over

Lemme 'splain somethin' 'bout the OR. It's a hard place, no question. Sterile technique is no joke, not a matter for opinion. Whomever says. "you contaminated" is right. When a veteran nurse says it over the objections of a two-month orderly, there is no question.

It's hard to hear anything, a lot of white noise, mumbling surgeons, everyone talking at once, beepers going off, apparent confusion to anyone new. The reality is much clearer, but only appears with experience, and time. Very easy to be overwhelmed and stunned, while remaining unaware of one's being a huge obstruction.

The first time I was pushed out of the way, nothing could have felt more intrusive or horrible. I wanted to shout back, shove back, instead I cried tears of fury and shame, and learned. My skin grew thicker, as well as more sensitive, and I realized that when I thought I was rushing around, accomplishing much, what was actually happening was, well, a blank stare and... nothing else. I only realized it once I was scrubbed in with a nurse on her first day without back-up. I recognized myself at once, and had compassion, as well as great impatience, with her. Oh, I thought, THAT'S what I looked like. I refer to it as Dead Nurse Brainwaves. And I forgave, completely, anyone who trained me. Because working in the OR I could not pick up easily, nor quickly, as I had done with just about anything else I'd ever had to learn. This did not come easily and naturally, it doesn't for anybody. The complexities require time and experience, attentiveness only makes it possible, it cannot hasten the process past a certain point.

I can still feel the first time a surgeon threw an instrument at me. The only time, actually. Or had to snatch one out of my hand that he'd been asking for. One of the many times I've had a hand position adjusted while retracting, or been moved because I was oblivious and in the way. I learned relatively fast, but never fast enough not to be corrected at least once. Not a week ago I was instructed by a surgeon on how to apply a tourniquet. His way, mind, but it was his patient, so.

Understand, I am an abrasive person. New, young people have found me intimidating. I don't deny this, I want them a little afraid so they will listen to me. I have no other natural authority, this is all I have. Anyone who knows me knows I have no malice in me, no harm.

The first complaint was an orderly of two months, standing in my room - without a role - as the new scrub had to move her sterile table into position. She had that thousand yard stare, and was in the middle of where the scrub had to be. I instructed her to move back, in the midst of all my other tasks at this point in the case. She made no reply. After several attempts, and knowing about OR deafness, I touched her shoulders to draw her back and out of the way. She resisted. I pulled harder, until she was out of the way. I remember nothing further, until I was brought into Human Resources because she complained I'd been physically abusive.

The second complaint, a core tech, whose job it is to get supplies for the room (as the RN is not supposed to leave the room at all, really, in reality we have to get supplies fairly often) did not move when I requested an item, and when I asked again she sat there and said "Oh, you needed that?" Well, she'd overheard a separate conversation as I called back into the room. She went on to lose her shit at me, then wrote me up. She has since been fired, but her version of events is still pending against me. I will never sign the complaint.

The third complaint, was one of those nightmare moments, patient's family is already on edge. I would've bet money, walking in, that I was going to hear of a complaint, before I said a word. I did my best, but honestly, I know it wouldn't have mattered. Sure enough, and that counted as THREE, I was being reprimanded and sent to EAP for behaviour management and conflict resolution.

The supervisor, each time, was conciliatory and had soft words for me, but there was a wrong note somehow. A sense of serious trouble that I could not pin down. Until I read this reprimand, which was loaded, accusatory and harsh. I corrected the first one, and signed it, thinking it was all over. The second, I will never sign, and the last I never got an actual write-up done.

I saw the EAP counselor, who I rather liked, and did trust, feeling that she did believe me, and gave me credit for being misread. I saw her intake form, with my supervisor's note, "...terminated if the behavior doesn't change." I went icy and hot, and crumpled. That afternoon, I spiffed up my resume and applied at the New Hospital. I was not about to walk on eggshells and wait for the next petty, personal complaint to give my supervisor an excuse to fire me. I thought he was laying the groundwork to fire me, though the way he wrote his reprimands. To find a job in this economy, after being fired? No, I would carve my own path, not wait for the guillotine, no.

The manager tried to reassure me, by effusive language and praise, giving me an unwanted hug to, apparently, shore up my self esteem, over my objections. Not my assessment of my value that was the issue, so her entreaties fell flat, since what I needed was her respect - and dismissal of the seriousness taken of the trivial complaints.

It took a month, and the day I was offered the new position, I had to meet again with supervisor and HR - before I knew. Their sweet words embittered me, too late, and still, with no belief in me. They needed my skills, sure, but one idiot without skin who thought I looked at them funny would land me back in front of them, my character prodded and dismissed. The next day, my resignation letter was on the manager's desk.

That got her attention. I had to tell her repeatedly that I was not threatening, this was not a bargaining tactic, I was leaving. She tried to sway me, still lacking the fundamental understanding that molehills had been turned into mountains. She tried to extract a promise from me to call her back if I didn't like it in the New Hospital. Over and over again, car-saleman pressure. I should have stopped it sooner, I know, I didn't and hate that I didn't. But I never gave her any such promise. I would not lie. I did not add that if I didn't like it there, I would go to another department, or work at the V.A. hospital, or indeed, live in a box on the street before I would ever work for a corporation that employed or promoted her.

I needed to trust the people who could fire me. I didn't.

That, my dear friends, is the story.

And I am done. I loved the people I worked with, and will miss them with all my heart. I will work at a new place, day shifts only, no call, no nights, all my hours and better pay. I mourn. I hope.

Devotional

Links sites tend to overlap each other quite a lot. One good one fills my Fortean devotional each morning. Another I only scan for the photos. This morning, a photographic gold mine. The Smithsonian has flikered swaths of un-copyright restricted photos. Examples may become a Thursday feature here.

This Thursday, anyway.

A woman who loved π. Tatiana Ehrenfest, or Tatyana Alexeyevna Afanasyeva, Mathematician.

Dryer

Keeping the washer closed is good. Left the dryer open, and look what happens. Moby has a Starship Captain moment. Took a bit of courage to work out how to get down.

Segregation

Over at Millard Fillmore's Bathtub the question of same sex classrooms has been raised. The main proponent seems to have gotten his political cart before his scientific horse. It's a glaring, visible and splashy idea to apply to the seemingly insoluble difficulties of really educating a huge, diverse young population on a shoestring. Let's not worry about discipline, poverty, class size, poorly trained, paid or supported teachers, crumbling buildings, and small minded curricula. Just put the boys in one class and the girls in another, and poof! Problem solved. Gosh, wasn't that easy. And Separate But Equal is reestablished! Oh, no, really, we will treat them all exactly the same?

All catholic schools for me past second grade. I never had a particular problem with boys, although they were more rough in play, they never threatened to beat me up or pull my hair, never snickered every time I raised my hand. Wasn't until seventh grade that the boys joined in to tease me mercilessly. They were loud and disruptive, but girls were more likely to be unable to close their own mouths. Seemed mostly a wash to me, even then. Children were just awful, and I couldn't wait to be away from them.

The real difference came in the teacher. I loved the ones who kept an ordered class, never letting the chaos erupt. The ones who then could inspire and tell stories that stay in my mind to this day. The ones who were clear and kind and strong.

Now, uniforms, that is a good idea. Especially for a poor family. Gives all the students an inanimate common enemy.

For many years, I have thought the never-will-be-done answer was to have storefront schools. One room schoolhouses, two teachers and a local adult volunteer, no more than a dozen students, all online classes - a national, self paced, curricula. Touring experts and scholars for special lectures and demonstrations. Kid has a problem with a particular teacher, move 'em to the next neighborhood over. Walking distances from their homes, field trips common (easier to arrange with small groups), flexible schedules (let the teens sleep in). A circle of homeschools in rural areas instead of warehouses to haul whole populations into.

Yeah, yeah, there can be sponsored team sports, and credits to families for music or art or individual athletics. Those schools can become colleges and libraries and social meeting space. Clubs and dances and charities coming out their ears if they want.

It'll never happen, but it would work. If anyone cared enough to change everything.

Likes...

Rosie posted once, so I ran over to see what she does, as I do. Right away, I found a meme to love.

Put your first name in Google + likes. See what comes up. Mind, I used my real name, but I will post with my nom-de-blogue, so you will lose some contextual references. Since my given name is rather old fashioned, it shows up in a lot of grammar and ESL sites as an example, and sentences like, "(She) likes gardening, cooking, crafts..." indicating the grandmotherly interests of an earlier generation (for the most part.) Stereotypes come from somewhere. It's also in the name of an old movie, and of a few celebrities.

Same idea, let us know if you try it.

1. Zhoen likes things with bees on them. I once had to wear my National Guard patch, it was a beehive. A source of great amusement to regular army guys.
2.Zhoen likes to eat dinner about nine or ten o'clock at night, usually in bed. I'm usually asleep by then, but sure, I'll take dinner in bed.
3.Zhoen likes plagues. Especially bubonic!
4.Zhoen likes the fantasy of 'coerced sex ... of being blackmailed by a great-looking pig landlord'. Can't say I ever considered it, actually.
5. Zhoen likes to tell about the master who tied up his cat during prayer time. I will tell this story now.
6.Zhoen likes to write. Obviously.
7.Zhoen likes zombies, Cheez-Its, and the American buffalo. ... if they say so...
8.Zhoen likes to eat, sleep, take whirlpool. baths, and watch WWF wrestling. Gosh, all these things I never suspected about myself.
9.Zhoen likes stormy weather apparently. Yes! Yes! Yes!
10.Zhoen likes things the way they are but her husband decides to become a business executive for a soup company. I don't know that D even likes soup that much.

Horses (Photos)

D and I are veterans of Gulf War I, both enlisted in our Army National Guard, did Basic with all everyone else who's done the Army. We are neither of us patriotic, nor interested in "supporting our troops" as it were. D is a historian, I get all too well the suffering inflicted by weapons and violence, yet both of us are stamped by military experience, our lives changed and defined by that discipline, or our reactions to it. No nostalgia nor romanticism on this point.

We resonate to the military, with rueful it-could-have-been-worse sighs of relief.

We went up to Fort Douglas to see the Buffalo Soldiers, and the display of Civil War uniforms. The Buffalo Solider people were impressive, knowledgeable, humorous, their glossy Tennessee Walkers in full tack.

We went through the museum, as we'd intended to do for years. The uniforms were fine, even the early weapons. By the time we were just over half way through, both of us were a little freaked out. The weight of it heavy on our peaceful souls. Technical interest gave way to low level horror. We decided we'd seen quite enough, and walked to the train to get home and eat.

The horses were a delight.

Morale

Strange days. More people leaving, much sadness and leaking morale. Relieved that I am leaving, but sad as well. I work with a great bunch of people, caring competent folks who take good care of their patients. Who have lost faith in their management as I have, but have yet to be kicked by them.

I find myself glad of the kick. Because of it, I am already walking out, not wondering if I should go.

I regret staying with the ex that last nightmare year.

I regret coming back to a place I once left. Even though I was glad to reacquaint, reestablish friendships, I knew I should never go back. I always go on, never back. I close the door on toxic people, not to wish them ill, but to protect myself.

Never having been teflon.

I once had an anesthesiologist lust after my veins.

Simple

We heard some new and different scrabbling-about noises from the kitchen. Eventually, I crept over to the washing machine and looked in. Sure enough, a black cat peered up at me with green glowing eyes, atop the unwashed clothes inside. We could not find the camera before he exited like a furry slinky. A few minutes later, more thumping about. This time, camera in hand, he was not in the drum. No, he'd gotten himself in the cabinet under the sink. His head popped out, then withdrew as the spring loaded hinge resisted, like a star avoiding the paparazzi. We are now giggling uncontrollably as he scratches, gets his nose out again, and I give him a hand. While hitting the button.

Keeping the washing machine lid closed from now on, because while we don't think he'd use it as a litter box, we'd hate to find out we were wrong.

The Ikea lamp we were given as a gift finally broke. No really, it did. So cheap, except that they no doubt paid way too much for it. And I hate the crap, don't like how it looks at all. I've leafed through the catalogue in waiting rooms and in the lounge at work, and there is never a thing in there that appeals in any way at all. But then, I've always detested "Danish Modern" as a style, if you can call it that. Supposed to be clean lines and simple, but to me it always looked clunky and dull. Japanese intentions but with all the wrong colors and proportions.



So, we got a lamp to replace it, very simple, a frosted glass column on a flat base. Way too simple to need assembly instructions. But then, I never understood why Wetnaps needed instructions either. (Open package, remove Wetnap, use.)

Stutter

A moment of chiming clarity. This articulate woman, fluent, educated, has an obscured defect. Even I forget about it until it overcomes me and robs me of speech. I have a strange stutter. I don't perseverate on a sound, I don't prolong or sputter. There is only maddening silence, the inability to pull out the word I most want. I can talk around it, but cannot coax it out. Names are especially difficult always, but any key word can get caught in the maelstrom in my brain, stuck floundering just out of reach. I'm sure, now that I have finally put this all together, that I have a horrible expression on my face, that a self conscious person could easily take personally, tainting anything I say or do.

Yes, I am intense. Yes, slow, inattentive people that I have to rely on frustrate me, and make this more likely in their presence. My defect + their hypersensitivity = hurt feelings & judgmental managerial concern. I never realized it before, because these complaints against me always baffle and blindside me. "But, I wasn't angry!" I can protest til I am bluefaced, but that sounds just like defensive excuses. However true.

Now, I think I get it. Now, I think I can head off further "little problems." This is not an excuse, it's quite real. Not an emotional hash, although there is an emotional component. But a physical/brain disability that is explicable. I can no more control my face at these moments than an asthmatic having an attack can "just breathe and don't panic." Ever had an asthma attack? I have, long ago. Everyone told me to calm down and breathe. Well, if I could have taken an easy breath, I could have calmed down. Like telling someone having a seizure to just control themself.

Not residual crap from my father's abuse, save as a sort of PTSD that left a little hole in my brain that crap falls through now and then. This makes me feel so much better, I knew I wasn't malicious, but I just couldn't figure out what was going wrong. This is a condition to be coped with, this is understandable.

Hard

Nancy Griffith's It's a Hard Life Wherever You Go has been streaming through. Which is very melodramatic to apply to such a personal dismay. Personal is not important, really. Still, I can hear her voice, oddly compelling.

Today I spent way too much time bursting into tears, telling people I care about that I've put in my notice. It's all very sad.

Dealing with my oblivious manager brought on tears of angry frustration, prolonged far beyond reason or reasonability. Such soft words, but I kept noticing lies, and the barb that my "little problem" was going to be there at the new job. That being, stupid lazy new people have a problem with me, as I have with them. Yeah, well, not all supervisors turn that into a reason to berate and dispirit their experienced staff. Then want to hug and reassure them. Ugh.

Yeah, well, it's not her problem. Never will be again. Made me really glad I will be gone.

Halleluia

Awaiting confirmation, details, papers to signs, letters to deliver. But, I have a new position at a new place. Official, but not final.

Hope has arrived. Help is coming, as Sam Phillips says, One Day Late. I shall be starting over, again. So be it. I shall write about why after. Oh, yes I will.

Roxy

And now Pepper had to join in. "Yes, there certainly are strange goings on. Quack."

Citgo

And this one.

Damn size changin' cats...

Downtown

Did my own meme today. Answer it yourself if it speaks to you.

Name three skills that you have that make you happy.

Pain magnets, I have a real feel for where pain is in bodies, and I can find and ease it with massage. Makes me popular with cats and dogs as well as stressed cow-orkers.

I can make D laugh, even when he is down and doesn't want to. I can usually get at least most people to genuinely smile. (Never by demanding a smile.)

I have a knack for listening long enough to ask really good questions that get to the nub, the ones that raise sighs in a room of "Oh, I was really wondering about that, and couldn't ask/couldn't figure out how to ask."


Name three sources of advice that you trust.

D's observations and musical taste. He rarely gives advice, but when he does, I follow it.
Carolyn Hax at the Washington Post, I have tried to emulate her ability to get to the source of problems and not be distracted by irrelevant excuses.
M rarely gives advice either, but when she does, it's right on and useful.

Name three beliefs you once held that you no longer believe.

I once believed I would parachute and climb mountains and travel the world. Not only do I know I won't, but those experiences don't seem all that important to me.

I have believed in god, and believed there could not be a god, now, I am content to believe it is simply unknowable.

I thought for a long time that real love and happiness were romantic fantasies. Take away all the frilly surfaces, the artificial forms, and both are completely attainable.


D spent a great deal of time with my photo of Moby, turning out the above. Huzzah.

Elegance

I never wanted to be fashionable or pretty, shallow attributes I thought. But elegance, now that was a quality that came from within and transcended age and beauty. A graceful self assurance, a deep dignity, a stillness that soothes all surroundings, accessible and difficult as enlightenment. Youthful loveliness is not elegance, the moment she adjusts the strap or tugs at her underwear. The real thing could not be so easily shattered. Posh rooms with patched wiring and a huge TV are likewise a mere semblance, trying too hard, missing the point.

I have touched the elegance in myself, if only while modeling for art classes many years ago. In my skin, I pleased the artists, serenity welled up from the necessity, I found comfortable poses like a cat finds ease. I've lost that body comfort somewhere along the way.

Most of my life, I have been the klutz, drab and odd in turns, but able to be amused by myself. I never even try to resist any physical pun opportunity, considering embarrassment the waste of a good joke. I wear clothes like they are always the wrong size, color and shape. No matter how much I blame my lifetime in uniforms, tis me.

Perhaps that elegant thread will twine back around, and I will find my way again.


This is my 800th post. I've never kept track of when I started blogging, exactly, so I can't do an anniversary blog day. This seems a good milestone. I feel so rich.

Flux

All in flux, not just me. Interviewed, but there may, or may not, be a job available. Time, waiting, pacing, patience. I must sit still and be a good girl. I do know how to do that, too much practice, but, yes. I can wait. On the cusp of changes, though how it will all shake out is anyone's guess. As long as there is a spot I can step into. I have the chops. I won't let go until it is working.

I shall emulate the cat, who found a pillow on the sofa, soft on soft.

Arctic

I have always loved snow. No matter how much I detest being cold, or driving in slush, I still revel in frozen white water falling from the sky, piling up and changing the landscape.

Greenfield

Nearly every year, one school outing was to Greenfield Village. Living history, a time machine that worked as well as those things probably can. This year, our history teacher managed to get us the school house, where we had class that day. Dressing up wasn't mandatory, but was encouraged, not that it took much for me to go old timey. It was a cool, damp day, and I would love to have been able to stoke the wood burning stove, I knew what to do with a coal furnace after all. Mr. Esper laughed off the idea, as real children at that time would only have done that in winter, not just a tepid spring day. Probably right, too. I often fantasized about going back in time, wanting to be any otherwhere or otherwhen.

Such a geeky girl. Still am, come to that.

Granny

My favorite place, right at the edge of Niagara Falls. Granny only looked grumpy, notice how we hold each other.

Midnight

The only photo I have of the most beloved cat, Midnight. Behind the smiles, am I the only one to sense the tension?