Toddlers

Our friend Dave* stopped by, with his young toddler. Not quite the visit we expected, but G's a bright, precocious child, and welcome. We take whatever our stressed out friends have to offer, and gladly. Hard times for everyone. I have great admiration for how well Dave takes care of his sons, one step, one genetic. He's caring and kind and attentive. His genetic son is at the top of every percentile, and therefore quite the handful, which gives Dave a perverse pride. Dangerous, but damn interesting.

And I do not like children. Honestly. Taking care of them at work scares the crap out of me. I do it with great attention and responsibility, but no joy at all. I take each individual as such, no matter their developmental stage. But as a group, I do not like children. Not their fault, nor do I blame them. But as a group, that stage of growth repels me. I am always open to making individual exceptions, but with all the effort of dealing with a stage that makes them frightening aliens. Practice makes it smoother, but no easier. In public, with the local habit of assuming that everyone loves all children, no matter how ill-behaved, ... well, I try not to be out in public. Put it that way. One at a time is hard enough for me. En mass, and loud, I run with my fingers in my ears. OK, not literally, but children screeching is painful. D is even more sensitive to this than I am, and much less tolerant of young 'uns, although even more formally polite.

There are good reasons we never had children. An early agreement that babbies were just not any part of the plan for our lives.

But we have great appreciation that our friends are ALL doing their damnedest to raise their children well. However ill fitted we are to be parents, we recognize the skill and effort put into turning these little, insane creatures into responsible adults. They are all doing better than my parents ever did, or even D's parents - I assume.

Still, children are upsetting to me. I won't get on an elevator when children are on the floor. I won't go to movies because there are too many children. I avoid them on the train, in restaurants, in waiting rooms. I remember when D smashed his elbow, and had to deal with a bouncy child in the ER while waiting to be seen. I feel no fondness, no tenderness. Only annoyance and a preference to be around those who can control themselves. That lack of predicability terrifies me.

My Aunt Evelyn loved children. Made me feel so listened to, so special, as a child. And I can't do the same. I have no feel for them, as my pediatric clinical instructor told me, with great kindness and sensitivity.

We are not all "kid people."

Strangely, because I also believe that treating children with great kindness and regard is the only way to heal our deranged culture. Giving children childhoods rich in compassion, education, and experience is the only way to create decent adults, consistently. Just, well, not me.

Not that I would ever be unkind, even impolite, to a child. Irresponsible parents, yes. The poor child, no.




*So Many Daves, no point in being coy about his name. Same Dave who is dealing with leukemia.