Stop

Driving to work. Trying to be careful, since I have in this past week, forgotten my purse with ID, my bag with lunch, and taken both my and D's keys. (A brisk walk back from the car to correct in each case.) I see the flashing red and blue lights, and pull aside to let the police pass. But they follow me, I'm being pulled over.

I turn off the radio, open my window, turn off the key, take off my hat, put my wallet on my lap, put my hands on the wheel. I have no clue what I might have done.

A fellow nursing school student, and friend, once married to a cop, coached me on how to avoid a ticket. Be the easiest, most non-threatening, most compliant stop they've had all year. Not a guarantee, but those "yes sir"s count. And I know how to "yessir." No acting in this case, I had no idea what had happened.

"You went through that red light on the right turn at 5 miles per hour, in clear disregard for traffic law."

"I did?" I had no memory of the intersection, in my own head and not well slept, distracted. Gave my license and after some fumbling, my registration. He returned to the cruiser to check my record, and I sat stewing about how much this would cost, in fine and insurance, a moving violation, and I couldn't even remember doing it. All a blank of a dark, quiet intersection at 0dark30.

After an age, he returned, and said "I don't usually give warnings... "

I thanked him with all my heart, with a gulp of grateful relief, and replaced my license. As soon as the window was back up I began to cry and shake, my stomach churning. I drove the rest of the trip thinking of leaving sick. Left my wallet in the car, and wondered all day if someone would break in for it, or even steal the car.

Instead, I had a late start room with a good surgeon, a lot of much needed assistance, and a rather interesting day. I even got to scrub from noon on. I didn't even mind that I only had a 20 minute lunch. Wasn't an easy day, but all went well, or else there were people to make it come around right.

I am home now, my feet in intermittent spasm, and I am overindulging in alcohol. The drive home a mild anxiety attack throughout. No driving for me all weekend. Monday, I take D in for a procedure, so not work. They are going to give him drugs, which he will not enjoy, but is preferable to actual memory.

Tonight, I am imbibing ethyl alcohol. Getting out of my worried head. Moby is attacking the corner of the rug, and wandering in and out onto the balcony. Mild weather. Not that bad.

It'll do.