Payback

My teacher called me out of class, because I had not been doing my arithmetic homework for a long time. I did not know my times tables. I would be put in with the slower students in all my classes to make up the deficit. Shamed and devastated, I would have to work with my mom every day to get the damn numbers in my head. I'd been skating, unaware that there were consequences, thinking that my intelligence with words would be more than sufficient. The rope jerked hard, the truth cut to my third grade bones, with bitter tears, I learned.

Out of my depth again, trying to be an actor in a college program, stressed out, ill nourished, lacking coping skills, always patching with excuses, I was told plain truth. In class. "You are always sick, you always have an excuse for not being ready," said Fred. I wanted to crawl away, blasted with my own failure. Simple truth, through my tears, even then, I managed to thank him, defending him against the 'nice' classmates who called his words harsh. It would not be long before I was out of the program, and would begin the long hard climb up my anxious bad habits, long ingrained and unseen.

Again, thinking myself capable, making progress, learning to scrub and circulate in surgery, again I was called aside for an adjustment. Now, I know, this is a common experience, assurance is balanced with ability, both are necessary and somewhat independent factors in this job. Jarring, my life didn't shake beneath my feet so badly.

I have come to value my humility, and become better at self assessment. I get it wrong still, but not by vast amounts. It always hurts. I strive with all my heart to hear wake-up calls, to welcome in the prickly truths, even when wrapped in false judgements and personal attacks. A hard, hard gift to accept, but precious seen with open eyes.

And, well, every time I actually learn the lesson, I maybe won't have to be slapped with it AGAIN.