All my life, I have conversations with the people I read about, absent brothers, non-existant friends. As quiet as I often am, I talk a lot in my head. It's not often a chosen sort of daydream, often I am haunted for a week or more with a particular cycle of interactions.
This week it has been with my long-estranged dozen-year-older brother, who always knew me better than I did, poked and teased, preached and nudged. He is the executor of our parents, or more accurately his parent's wills. I consider myself disowned and disowning, with no intention of grieving them again, or accepting any (if any) inheritance.
This week, in my head, they have both died, and I have to talk with Dave. I have to figure out how he gets ahold of me, what I would say, what he would say. I imagine him showing up at my work, insisting on needing to talk. Until I finally have him ask me what I want.
"I want to be left alone. I want to be believed when I say I want to be left alone."
And the haunting seems to finally fade.
There are other conversations, more to come.
2 comments:
zhoen,come and join in my multiple personalities project? Those ghosts might be exorcised. Anyway, I'd really love to see what alter-selves are hiding in you.
I often wonder what would happen if my estranged father died, if I would even find out. I imagine having to explain to someone who knew him that I wouldn't feel any need to grieve for an almost-stranger.
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