Wave

Got rid of the last of the grey paint, and covered the mucky bottom. The top is still white, allowing for light. But down low is this lovely purple, and it feels so much warmer, welcoming. I'm delighted with how it turned out. As usual for any of my projects, it is not perfect, and that's just fine by me. 
 

Garlic

 Most of the time, I hate receiving gifts.  As a child, I had to be effusive in my thanks for anything given to me, or there would be punishment. I had to put on a big smile and gush about how wonderful the thing was, and it made me so uncomfortable - it was acting, and it was lying. So much so that when I genuinely DID love a present, it looked like I didn't - because when they really did find a real Gift - my real reaction was quiet and overwhelmed. 

When pushed about a gift, what did I want? What about this? Or this? I struggled to answer, because to say, No, not that, no not quite, I sounded greedy. I didn't really want anything at all. 

It happened this past week at work, they wanted to buy me lunch. Decided on pizza. Asked me what pizza I like. Well, I like pizza dough from Trader Joes, and mild salsa, and their shredded Mexican cheese... Other than that, I don't much like commercial pizza. They put garlic in their sauce, often a lot of it.  They opted for The Pie - a local place that has been very popular for decades. I ate there once, and did not like thin crust, crispy pizza, did not like their sauce - I've figured out since that I have a garlic intolerance (that is getting worse over time.) I've had a bite or two since when it's been ordered for work lunches, and it's still not to my taste.  I told them to just get it for themselves, I will maybe have a slice, and I appreciate the thought (which - I do.)

When they brought it in, I asked Don how much garlic he thought was in it. 

"Oh, lots! Everytime I have this, my wife can smell it on my breath."

I got out my own lunch, said "I'd love to eat with you."  And meant it.  The whole thing of eating food they bought for me put me into a silent panic attack, while they were out of the cubicle. 

They wished me a Happy Birthday, then wished each other a Happy Birthday, and I added Merry Un-Birthdays to the chorus. I tried to mention my own weirdness with food, my mother's yoyo dieting, and apologized for being "funny about food." I hope they knew I appreciated their intention. And that they don't try to do any more gifts. 

Don asked me if my birthday was the next day. I said no, not until the next week. Then volunteered my age - so that he knew it wasn't about that. I don't mind a bit of teasing, especially since they are clearly all so kind. I think they realized they'd pushed just a bit too far for me. 

I got a card from Dylan's parents. It had a metal bookmark with a penguin charm.  They know I read, they know I like penguins as a sort of totem. But I have never used non-disposable bookmarks because I  lose or break them, usually on the first book. For the past decade or so, I've used the flat silicone tip protectors that come in a lot of surgical devices, they slightly stick to the pages without holding it open too far. I have scores of them collected, I fiddle with them while I read. 

They apparently got the perfect little gift for me. But it really shows that they don't know me, and now I have a bit more clutter, made in China, that I will never use. And I have to thank them, which I will. Inside I'm thinking, "thank you for making me uncomfortable, stared at and yet unseen." I'd much prefer not to get anything at all. I'd rather be actually not seen, at all. 

This is why I go to such lengths not to be at work on my birthday, to avoid the worst of the well-meaning, guilt-inducing, awful-feeling attention. 

It's not my birthday. It's not today. It's not my birthday so why do you lunge out at me?

Heatingpad

"So, I sat on that earlier.  Why do you like it so much?"

"because sometimes it warms up"

"I love you, Aunt Eleanor. You are so wise."

 

Reflection

"The heart is a leisurely muscle. It differs from all other muscles. How many push-ups can you make before the muscles in your arms and stomach get so tired that you have to stop? But your heart muscle goes on working for as long as you live. It does not get tired, because there is a phase of rest built into every single heartbeat. Our physical heart works leisurely. And when we speak of the heart in a wider sense, the idea that life-giving leisure lies at the very center is implied. Seen in this light, leisure is not a privilege but a virtue. Leisure is not the privilege of a few who can afford to take time, but the virtue of all who are willing to give time to what takes time - to give as much time as a task rightly takes."

 - Brother David Steindl-Rast 

Gratefulness, the Heart of Prayer

This week I hit a new learning point, after the past two weeks of finding my errors and correcting them, I am now at the point of realization of the scope of my job. A whole new swathe of details that need attention, but I'm not quite at the point of being able to see them from afar and take care of them before they bunch up around me.  But, I am getting there. 

Seeing it is an important step, without which it wasn't happening. 

Learning both how to manage my tasks, prioritize and organize. And still take all the time needed to be thorough.  I'm more comfortable with calling patients and fellow providers and just asking. 

Oh, and both my colleague/instructor got our evaluations, and got top marks all around, we think. She's done the job before, and came back to the job several months before I did. I'm new at it, just passed my 6 month mark. We aren't sure how we were rated, looks like a chart review - focused on our notes.  Either way, glad I'm doing what is expected of me, and improving. 

I've also benefitted from all the writing I've done in this space, so much easier to be precise and accurate and clear, because of comments on my writing for the past ~2 decades practice.  

So, thank you to all those who read and respond and honed my words for so long. Most of the main readers from 15 years ago are gone, but at least one or two still visit. I'm grateful to all of you. 

Mostly, though, I am learning a sort of deep and abiding kindness. A patient attentiveness. 

Yes, I can do this for five years. 

And then, I can step back and ... well, not DO, but be. I will find what joys I can in not Being Useful - the guiding star of my life so far. I will soften and warm and allow, find and let go. 

From the point that I started dying my hair, not being ready to turn grey in my 30s, I promised myself I would, at 60, let it be whatever color it wanted. I would accept.  And a week before, I cut off all the remaining stained hair, and I am, indeed, all grey. It wasn't specifically in my mind that I was fulfilling the promise to myself, not until after I'd already done it. 

We are refinancing our House today, finishing up the process. Get the loan out of the hands of one of the more evil banks (not our choice, it was sold to them by our original mortgage institution) and into a less evil Credit Union. Lower payment, shorter pay off, better interest rate too. 

Next week I'm taking off, let my mind settle and reflect. 

Damn

This is what we are fighting and what we are fighting for.  Damn the confederacy, damn the slaveowners, damn them all. 

Longer

 Good morning. 

Well, you see, the last vestiges of the henna I put on last year, and hated, were seriously bugging me. 

I cut it to shoulder length a couple of weeks ago.  And Sunday I cut off more.  I may go get the back trimmed up at the barber shop, if they will do it for a reasonable price.

 Morgan Donner inspires me. 

I have been thinking about just buzzing it all off, but letting it grow out after is an enormous pain in the butt, and I'm not really up for a year of shaggy hair. 

It's actually chin length.  Most of the stained hair is no longer. 

I think my vitamin D levels are back in normal range, I have new hair growth, and I'm getting my energy back. Or maybe I'm just recovering from years of burn-out. 

It also occurred to me this week that my Social Security will be higher when I retire, because I'll be both full time and better paid at that point, than if I'd stayed in the OR working 30 hours a week for a lower wage. Going through that last April was one of the hardest things I've done in a long time, but I'm glad I was able to work through it and emerge out the other side. Well disguised blessing. 

My team went to lunch yesterday, my colleague insisted on paying for my lunch - I had a very nice half sandwich (which was plenty and tasty), and I covered the tip for the table. Which went over well for the two NPs who had worked as waitstaff. It just happened that I was the only one with cash on me. 

Yesterday was nuts, so many different, often complex problems. Thankfully everyone was around, and there was a lot of group participation.  There was also a lot of patient EMOTION!! Seriously, one guy sent several (secure, MyHealthEVet) messages with many, many exclamation points. Every patient had a serious grip on the wrong end of the stick, and very upset about it. Spent a long time on the phone calming people down. Couldn't get a lot of what I planned to do even started until about 2:30, and was dealing with one last problem at 5:15. Well, they pay me until 5:30, so fair enough. 

I've been doing wordle, and love it. Love doing exactly ONE a day. It reminds me of playing Mastermind with my friend Anna in 6-8th grades. Our teacher had the game, and we were allowed a portion of each day to play various games. Anna and I spent a lot of time with Mastermind. Wordle is the same idea, but with words. 

Zeppo had a mat on his back haunch. Not sure how that happened. I secured him, to his displeasure but he didn't skedaddle, and cut it off. There didn't seem to be a scab indicating an injury, just matted fur. He's not got long fur, but it is fairly coarse. Maybe he slept funny?  Got his claws trimmed at the same time. He doesn't seem to mind that. And once I have him, he kinda freezes - it's not relaxed, he certainly does not purr, but he doesn't struggle either. Mostly, he hates the idea of being picked up. There is certainly a story there, and we can but speculate. 

Futures

Zeppo is a spherical cat. 

When I head out from work, I send Dylan a message.  Often without words. 

I walk the tunnels to get some exercise in. This job is much more desk-bound than any other I've ever worked. It's about 3K steps. I get into my thoughts, and often I find answers to problems. Thinking deeply is part of the work. This week was all about finding mistakes I didn't even realize I was making. And then fixing them. Moving forward, resigned to knowing time machines do not exist.  Tomorrow I will do better. 

 

Wintry

 "Deep in the wintry parts of our minds, we are hardy stock and know that there is no such thing as a work-free transformation. We know that we will have to burn to the ground in one way or another, and then sit right in the ashes of who we once thought we were and go on from there."

 - Clarissa Pinkola Estés
Women Who Run With the Wolves

I continue to write a page, by hand, most days.  Today I was downright restless for hours, pacing. 

I cleaned a bit of the spare room. 

Starving

The new glasses are so different from any other style I've worn. I do like them, but it's taking some getting used to.

Cats are starving. Always starving. We never ever feed them.

 

Permeable

 

Not the sort of writing that wants a readership. This is raw and angry, despairing and destructive, meandering and weird, without explanation or apology. This is not for public use, or even my own reading. It's the blockage to be cleared so that the words can pour out clearly again. 

A volcanic mess.

I watch the Tongan volcano news with a geological impassivity. 

I have to cancel surgeries, and listen to people who have suffered, and deliver them more disappointment. 

If I let this all tear at my heart, I could not go on. I try to let it pass through me, but some always sticks. 

I can't remember the name of the book Pete recommended, about the sailor and the bird and all the other animals that wind up on his boat journey.  He's told me again, before, so I hesitate to ask again. 

And last night I dreamt we were still living in an apartment, or at least also in an apartment. 

Decade

We have lived here for ten years. It doesn't feel that long, and it feels like we've always been here. Such amazing good fortune, such a marvelous decision. All our big decisions have proven to be good solid choices. Not perfect, perfection is neither possible nor desirable. But we have a good house, a good car, a good sofa, terrific cats, and we still adore each other after over 30 years together. 

I've been writing a page longhand in the Tibia notebook nearly every day.  Although it's been nice for my general state of mind, it feels like digging the moat - which has not started to fill up with creativity yet. Or at least not in terms of words enough to write here regularly. 

There is time. However rapidly it whizzes by. 

Happy Houseaversary, House!

Hare

Good New Year to all.  

We've been enjoying Reservation Dogs this week. I love shows and stories that force me to abandon my cultural assumptions. Bury Me Standing and Atanarjuat The Fast Runner are two more. And this video about the issues of Black Hair. 

 I've got my own issues around 

Hair

I Got Tears in my Ears from lying on my back in my bed while I cry over you, might be this year's theme song.  Rabbits and ears and tears. 

Márquez

New glasses.  

And so I rest here

A day ends a year ends here

At the end I rest. 

This is not what I could have expected, but I think a year ago I would have been glad to know there was respite. Not salvation, no paradise, but an easing, less pain, a chance. 

I have been vaccinated just over a year now, a second vaccination, a booster. Tested and shown antibodies, likely had it two years ago now.  Love in the Time of Corona. 

The war started long ago continues, the outcome unknowable.  The peace lays in our hearts, in our love for each other, and will not be extinguished. 

Lantern

Dylan and I gave each other Lucy. She is so soft and gives wonderful hugs. 

Our tree is less shiny this year, but full of our ornaments. 

On the advice of an artist friend, I got some paints and touched up the old lantern that belonged to Granny. 

It was a light, lit up when I was very small. The paint was almost gone on one side, worn away on top and bottom. This is good enough for me, and it's come back to life. 

From earlier years, the wear is visible. Of course I didn't take a good Before this year.

I may touch up the weird baby ornament next. 

A time for renewal. 

 

Culture

 Thankfully I asked about the culture in the new job, in several ways, of various people. And I got olive wood spoons from trader joes and holiday cards. Because my three close colleagues got presents for us as well.  They seemed to be appreciated, not food, not smelly, but pretty and useful. 

These will get the most use. 

The other two gifts were scented, the hand soap in festive theme is actually really nice. The candle will go to a different home, although it is visually pretty. 

Token gifts, not extravagant, thoughtful enough in a professional setting.  I also gave our schedulers cards, with a bit of cash. Seemed important. 

I have my usual Thursday off, Friday off as the official holiday, and of course Saturday and Sunday. Next week will be the same.  Since the hand clinic I'm responsible for is on Fridays, it means two really slack weeks. The last three days I had way too little to do, but had to be there to handle alerts and a few fractures.  So, I had some use, but not enough to fill the whole day.  Sort of guard duty, be available in case.  Getting a reputation for keenness, due to disliking being idle that much. I love a slow day as much as anyone, but this week was too much of too little. 

Grocery shopped this morning, since our only absolute requirement for this holiday is to have enough food. 

I keep thinking tomorrow is the holiday, and it's not. Not that it much matters, really.  Storm coming in, warm and windy. Hoping it will be mountain snow valley rain. MSVR. 

I think they are planning to give us a mouse, don't tell them I guessed. It's a surprize. 

Encrusted

When I finally headed up to work the other day, the sun was out. Usually this means a lot of melting of our typically fluffy, salty snow.  Not this time. The trees are still thick with snow in branches. And a lot of trees in this area have lost a lot more branches than is typical with this much snow. 

Eleanor adores the heating pad today, I've been keeping it on for her. Took her a moment to realize what it was, but once she figured it out, "OH! it's That!" she was stretched out and not going anywhere. 

The tree is mostly decorated, less than usual for me. That could change as the week passes. Or I might leave it with just enough rather than my usual "totally encrusted" style.  We shall see. I have time. 

 

Later

The Utah Highway Patrol asked motorists to work from home or delay driving if possible Wednesday morning.

 I FINALLY get to follow this direction, for the first time since I was in school! No patient is waiting for me, no doctor tapping their foot, nothing so urgent I can't delay it a few hours. The snow started last evening, and it's still plummeting down. I got a text from my colleague saying she'd be in late. And I texted back, What a coincidence! 

 I'll go in later, no problem. I'm up and dressed and ready to go when it's safe. BUT THAT ISN'T NOW! and I don't HAVE to. I can use my judgement and stay off slick, slushy roads. Gosh. I get a Snow Day.

Granted

 I've noticed a degradation in my writing here. The job really is sucking up my mental energies, not surprisingly. I have to trust that my flow will return, once I get over the steepest curves learning the work. I know I can get it back with consistent, daily practice,  that simply isn't possible at the moment. 

I'm not even making photos daily, which takes a lot less brain work than writing. 

It does feel like a new phase of my life. The beginning of the last third - if family lifespans hold true for me. I've worked on all the damage, created and found and salvaged. The future is unknowable, and the past is a fading dream. 

I love and am loved. This is never to be taken for granted. And can never be taken. 

Lachrymating

Showed up in the Atrium at work. 

Then it snowed, and it deflated. 

Zeppo looking out. 

Before the storm. 

"When we meet somebody whose separate tunnel-reality is obviously far different from ours, we are a bit frightened and always disoriented. We tend to think they are mad, or that they are crooks trying to con us in some way, or that they are hoaxers playing a joke. Yet it is neurologically obvious that no two brains have the same genetically-programmed hard wiring, the same imprints, the same conditioning, the same learning experiences. We are all living in separate realities. That is why communication fails so often, and misunderstandings and resentments are so common. I say "meow" and you say "Bow-wow," and each of us is convinced the other is a bit dumb." -Robert Anton Wilson, Prometheus Rising 

 The cold rain and snow falls 

Tired eyes raw with blue screens 

Hope sleeps deeply now.

Bowling

 

Cat or bowling ball?  He's very short bodied, and picking him up is a bit like picking up a fur covered bowling ball.  Seems to be just his cobby shape, the vet expressed no concerns about his weight.  He likes the laundry room, and this spot on the folding table. 

He does not like the vacuuming that has been happening the last few days, and has been keeping his distance. Did not come out to visit when friends appeared yesterday, which is not terribly surprising for him. 

Luxury

 Eleanor knows what she's thankful for. In this case, who. And he's the same one I'm most thankful for. 

Vacuums

There will be photos here later. 

I wake on this day of gratitude in thankfulness. 

With a job, enough income, puzzles to solve and people to help. 

Tomorrow we make it a another day, because there is more to be thankful for.  Our 31 years together and the friends we have gathered. I got yesterday off because Thursday is my usual day, so I get the day before. Friday I get off because my surgeon cancelled that clinic, and my colleague agreed, which is how these things work in this job. 

Before I left on Tuesday, I made a point to tell her how grateful I am, for the time off, and for this job. She expressed similar sentiments, glad that I do still like it, after all the frustrations, and that I am there doing this work. Apparently there really wasn't anyone covering hands/shoulders/Foot & Ankle/oddball, as a dedicated employee. 

We got a new vacuum, since the old one has a tear in the electrical cord that makes it unsafe, and we don't know how to fix it. We will pass it on to someone who does. Yesterday, I got up the past two years of dust and grime that had accumulated as a result of my despondency and lack of vitamin D, and the general lack of anyone to notice coming to visit. The last time this place got a proper scrub was when we hired a cleaner after I broke my wrist. 

I am thankful for the vacuum. Yes, I am thankful for nothing as well. Actually, nothing - especially. Letting my brain rest a bit, this work really does push me to think in different ways, and work a lot harder. 

Today, we will have frozen Thanksgiving Dinner inna Box from Trader Joe's, for the sake of form. Tomorrow, chili. Today I will send messages to everyone we know and love, making sure they know we appreciate them. Tomorrow we will see some of them here - all the vaccinated with decent immune systems. Not as much hugging as once was, but presence. 

 Electile Disfunction. 

There is a video at the bottom of the page. It's very much to the point. 

Boosted

 Yesterday I got my booster at work, which was a nice break. Sitting down waiting for the shot, another 15 mins in a recliner (!!!) after to make sure I didn't have a bad reaction. Shot so smooth I did not feel the needle at all, only her hand on my arm.  Brought my paper card and the app to show I'd already gotten the first two. It was reassuringly busy.  We have to remember we are the majority.  We really are.

My arm was so sore overnight, and I had a headache. Today I ache in every joint, but I'm not feeling ill at all.  I have today off because the official day off on Veteran's Day is my usual Thursday off, so I get this as my comp day. Two days off, in case the booster decided to play rough with me. So far, so good. 

The Utah Pork Producers provided free lunch for Vets and Staff yesterday, so T and I went down to get ours and enough for the residents. Three slabs of pork loin each, a small bun, decent BBQ sauce, chips and cookie, with bottled water. I ate one of the meat slices in the bun, with the sauce, and the cookie. Our residents ate far less of the protein than expected, and a lot of it wound up in the trash. I hate wasting food, but no one was going to eat it. And today I feel like mostly being vegetarian for a while.  It didn't taste bad, as such, but there was something too heavy about it, too dry, too... something. It will be a very long time before I even eat crispy bacon again, possibly never. 

Espresso

 I had to try it. And, with cream, it's oddly appealing. Won't be my favorite go-to tea, but I'm happy to have it as an addition and occasional tea. 

When I first started in the OR, a traveling scrub tech, at the sterile field, once very seriously asked me for some... sterile (tap the table) espresso. Ha. 

So when I was asked a few years later by a surgeon for an espresso at the field I said, "Yeah, pull the other one."  But. There actually is a tool called an Expres-sew.  Can't win. 

The compost piles are high and rather light with leaves from neighbors on both sides. Winter rain and snow will tamp them down in time. 

Looking forward to my short week, I get Wednesday for Thursday when I'm off anyway. First time getting Veteran's Day off in many years. I can certainly use a bit of time off.  Then over Thanksgiving, when I get five days in a row. Let my overheated brain cool off a bit. 

Mouser

Eleanor happily cuddles with both of us pretty much all the time.  Zeppo does as well - when he's in the mood.  He must get his hind haunches and tail rubbed as I eat breakfast.  Cats are so individual,  tail tugs and belly-rubs are this skittish cat's favorite things ever. 

Our neighbor lost his cat Sebastian last month.  Sebastian adopted Mike when he moved in, with the condition that he would always have the option to go outside. He was a mouser of great skill. So when he died, the mice, or possibly rats, moved in. For a few weeks we both noticed them, I put out snap traps in places where cats and squirrels wouldn't accidentally get caught. But I needn't have bothered. Over the past week and a half, I have been gifted no less than four very large mice, or smallish rats. I do not know how to tell them apart. Two on the front porch near the door, two in the back on the walkway. 

I thanked our new Mouser, in abstentia.  I do wonder if it is Mr. Kenny, the black kitten my other neighbor and I fed several years ago during his first winter. None of the rodent gifts were eaten, except for one front leg, so the Mouser is, presumably,  being fed by someone in the neighborhood. 

 

Cancelling

 I found out Monday morning that my hand surgeons were going on a medical mission. This month. And it is my job to cancel and shift clinics and OR schedules. Leaving over 20 people who thought they were going to be seen for their hand pain left back in limbo.  And another four people who thought they were going to have surgery, now back on the waitlist. 

Most were annoyed, but patient with me. A few were angry, and I let them blow off steam at me, as I validated their frustration. Some told me they were going to report this, which I agreed was appropriate. 

This is all made worse by the fact that with the holidays, we had even fewer clinics and OR days. And referrals for care in the community - outside the VA system, is very regulated and there is a big backlog. Some of the regulations were eased during the worst of Covid, but were re-instated and re-enforced in the past few months. So, to get their care covered by non-VA providers, they have to be pre-authorized to have it paid for. 

Of course, a lot of people don't have insurance, or it's expensive, or will leave them with a massive bill, and insurance loves to disallow paying if they can. ACA has improved care for a lot of people, but it's still part of an insurance system that is out to make money, not provide care.  And this is for those who don't have access to the VA at all. 

When we got back from Gulf War I, we were covered as Vets while we were still in the national guard. Since I had no other access to medical care, and barely enough income to cover rent and ramen, that's where I went. Walked in, took a number, and waited. It always took at least 4 hours no matter how early I got there. About 2 hours to be seen, and another 2 to get a Rx or tests. Antibiotics for URIs & UTIs, steroids and an MRI for my sinuses, a lump taken off my shoulder, I paid in time that I had rather than money that I didn't. I was grateful as hell, even knowing it was not exactly ideal. 

So yesterday, in the midst of a busy hand clinic, with a computer access issue that meant our MDs didn't have access to charts and x-rays, and we got behind 60-90 minutes, and two or three patients who lost their shit at us because they didn't get what they wanted, my old hand surgeon came in after the OR was done, rubbed my shoulders and apologized for the mess he had me clean up. 

Well, cleaning up after surgeons has been my job for over 25 years now, so, here I am. This is what I'm paid to do. Best do it cheerfully.  I managed, I dealt with the minority of crabby and mentally ill vets, I deescalated and sorted and worked the problems until it was all done. And even working 40 hours a week at this, I'm not in pain as I was working 30 hours a week in the OR. This is my last hard climb to a decent retirement. 

I can do this. I can. 

Dylan had a procedure this week, and got his booster, so he's feeling more than a little ragged. I got to see him a bit disinhibited with drugs, so that's my consolation prize for being his nurse as well. I'm still not getting much energy improvement from the vitamin D supplement, but that can take several months to be noticeable. 

Later this weekend, I'll write about the cats and the compost and some new tea.