Reflection

"The heart is a leisurely muscle. It differs from all other muscles. How many push-ups can you make before the muscles in your arms and stomach get so tired that you have to stop? But your heart muscle goes on working for as long as you live. It does not get tired, because there is a phase of rest built into every single heartbeat. Our physical heart works leisurely. And when we speak of the heart in a wider sense, the idea that life-giving leisure lies at the very center is implied. Seen in this light, leisure is not a privilege but a virtue. Leisure is not the privilege of a few who can afford to take time, but the virtue of all who are willing to give time to what takes time - to give as much time as a task rightly takes."

 - Brother David Steindl-Rast 

Gratefulness, the Heart of Prayer

This week I hit a new learning point, after the past two weeks of finding my errors and correcting them, I am now at the point of realization of the scope of my job. A whole new swathe of details that need attention, but I'm not quite at the point of being able to see them from afar and take care of them before they bunch up around me.  But, I am getting there. 

Seeing it is an important step, without which it wasn't happening. 

Learning both how to manage my tasks, prioritize and organize. And still take all the time needed to be thorough.  I'm more comfortable with calling patients and fellow providers and just asking. 

Oh, and both my colleague/instructor got our evaluations, and got top marks all around, we think. She's done the job before, and came back to the job several months before I did. I'm new at it, just passed my 6 month mark. We aren't sure how we were rated, looks like a chart review - focused on our notes.  Either way, glad I'm doing what is expected of me, and improving. 

I've also benefitted from all the writing I've done in this space, so much easier to be precise and accurate and clear, because of comments on my writing for the past ~2 decades practice.  

So, thank you to all those who read and respond and honed my words for so long. Most of the main readers from 15 years ago are gone, but at least one or two still visit. I'm grateful to all of you. 

Mostly, though, I am learning a sort of deep and abiding kindness. A patient attentiveness. 

Yes, I can do this for five years. 

And then, I can step back and ... well, not DO, but be. I will find what joys I can in not Being Useful - the guiding star of my life so far. I will soften and warm and allow, find and let go. 

From the point that I started dying my hair, not being ready to turn grey in my 30s, I promised myself I would, at 60, let it be whatever color it wanted. I would accept.  And a week before, I cut off all the remaining stained hair, and I am, indeed, all grey. It wasn't specifically in my mind that I was fulfilling the promise to myself, not until after I'd already done it. 

We are refinancing our House today, finishing up the process. Get the loan out of the hands of one of the more evil banks (not our choice, it was sold to them by our original mortgage institution) and into a less evil Credit Union. Lower payment, shorter pay off, better interest rate too. 

Next week I'm taking off, let my mind settle and reflect.