Apologize

 I do apologize, but I've got to put these somewhere other than my head. 

In mitigation if not expiation, here. 

N-95

"There are so many unsung heroines and heroes at this broken moment in our collective story, so many courageous persons who, unbeknownst to themselves, are holding together the world by their resolute love or contagious joy. Although I do not know your names, I can feel you out there."
 - David Abram
commonplace

 Yesterday I got to share a small portion of what the ICU folks have been dealing with the past year. It's gotten so bad here, that in the OR we have to treat our patients as though they all have covid, even though all test negative before surgery. At intubation and extubation, if I'm helping the anesthesiologist, I have to be in an N-95 mask. Yesterday, since I only had an attending, no resident or CRNA, that was my job.  Since they are not simple to put on properly, I wore it all day, with a regular surgical mask over. All my fellow nurses in rooms did the same. 

It's not as bad as a gas mask*, but it does take longer to put on properly.  Which is why I left it on all day, as well as to be prepared in an emergency. The elastics left me with a nice headache at the end. Faces are just not build to have material tight against the skin for many hours, it's not unlike having a wedgie. But I can manage it pretty well. I've always passed my fit tests easily.  In Boston, I think I had them every three months, because of the prevalence of TB. 

We cancel at least one case a day for covid, sometimes more. This is out of about 15-25 cases scheduled.  And our director of anesthesia is still being his usual cavalier self about it, barely following the rules. 

I'm very careful, but I've developed a sort of fatalism.  So relieved I didn't get ICU work, the OR is much safer in terms of general infections. 

Zeppo is consistently seeking out our affection these days. I put my hand down at night, and there he is between us, and very soundly asleep. He comes up to me while I eat breakfast, to be petted a bit. A nose, a tail, nose again, tail. He sits with us in the evening, on the arm of the sofa, accepting a hand. 

*Which I found I could sleep in, as long as I didn't snore. 

Ass

 Feel free to share. 

Puzzled

 The words refuse me,

Stuck in fear of counting eggs

Unhatched chickens still. 

I know we have experienced professionals ready to pounce. I also know how many more will die in this strange war. There is no middle ground between lie and truth, between what really is and what the violent and stupid want to create.  

And that the world is full of suffering, whatever happens. 

We hold each other, talk to friends online, bemoan our cats' complete ineptitude with jigsaw puzzles (Zeppo has hidden one piece, Eleanor has contributed a fair amount of fur), and keep on. 

Chair

Cat has my chair. 

 

War

 We have been at war, undeclared and hidden, but a war all the same, for the last four years. Their leader is defeated but they fight on and leave in their wake damage and propaganda. We have stormed the beaches, but the war is not over.  We are still dying, the camps unliberated, the war crimes continue, the traitors still in the government buildings. 

We have marched into Paris, but not yet gone house to house. 

I am not exaggerating. So much has been lost. That we have not seen swords, tanks, soldiers shooting, is just a matter of a modern war, different sorts of deaths and casualties. We saw assault vehicles here when peaceful protesters met police with white supremacy goals, and helicopters waging psychological warfare on the populace. Shortages and hoarding. Corrupt legal systems with preemptory sentences. Extrajudicial murders on our streets, shooting insurgents. Disrupted families and scapegoating of minorities. 

But as so often after wars, there is a chance for substantive change, uprooting of old values and institutions, deadwood pruned away finally.

No guarantees. 

We have experienced professionals about to take charge, people with integrity. Not perfection, gods save us from perfection. 

The weight lays heavy on hearts. Last night was a spark of what could be. A Gettysburg victory leading to progress, but not actual progress. Not yet, but heard in the distance and approaching. 

Sarah Kendzior-
The same people who said "It can't happen here" and then "No one could have seen it coming" will now say "It wasn't really that bad." It was. Do not let anyone rewrite the history of the Trump admin years. History must be remembered to ensure it does not repeat.

One reason Trump got into office was denial or ignorance of history -- how fascism rises, the emergence of far-right movements globally in the 21st century, and especially the selective autocracy always practiced against marginalized racial and ethnic groups throughout US history

Forget this history at your own peril -- and at the peril of the world. We have defeated an aspiring autocrat at the polls. We have not dismantled the corrupt conditions that made him possible and that will make successors possible. Trump was a culmination, not a fluke.

 sigh.

Later

Take care of the laundry later, I'm comfortable here.  

Hardest

 The waiting is the hardest part.We did sleep a bit last night, knowing there wouldn't be good information until later today or later this week.  Our state is a blithering idiot, as usual. But at least our city is sensible. Too much to deal with, too much to process.  The waiting is the hardest part. 

Zeppo shows his affection subtly.

Sides

Peeking out from 'doomscrolling.' Thinking about all the Rs going against the evil one. Glad to have them, without forgetting that they are like the Russians after WWII, useful but not to be trusted after. 

 ‘We’re on the same side here!’ 

 ‘No. We’re just on two different sides that happen to be side by side.’ -T. Pratchett.

Language

 Speaking the right language is important.  This from Rabbit in Headlights.

I think this is why we have such nice cats, we know how to listen to them, and so they trust us to respect their boundaries.

Example of belly exposure as invitation to play fight. 

"I feel like the reason certain dog-lovers insist cats are evil is because they read their body language as if they were dogs. So here’s a very basic guide to common “mean” things cats do that actually aren’t mean at all if you know what they’re thinking.

Rolling and exposing belly- attacks you when touched

Does not mean: Give belly rubs! - haha I tricked you! 

Actually means: I’m playful! If you reach for my belly I’ll grab your arm and bite it because I think we’re playfighting! 

Lazily exposing belly - still attacks when touched
Does not mean: tricked you again!
Actually means: I’m showing you my belly because I trust you. Please don’t break that trust by invading my personal space. I might accept a belly rub if I’m not ticklish and I know you well.

Snapping at you while being pet
Does not mean: I suddenly decided I dislike you!
Actually means: You’re petting me in a way that gives me too much restless energy. Please focus on petting my head and shoulders instead of stroking the full length of my back next time.

Is in the same room but makes no attempt to interact
Does not mean:  I’m ignoring you
Actually means: We’re hanging out! I’m being respectful by giving you space while still enjoying your company. 

Slapping/scratching your hand when you try to pet them
Does not mean: I hate you!
Actually means: You’ve failed to establish that we’re not playing, or the way you’re approaching me scares me. Be calmer, speak more gently, make eye-contact and blink slowly at me before you try again."

Wet

It snowed. 
 

Randomly

This morning I woke up to Zeppo pressed in beside my hip. It reminded me so much of Moby - who never sat on laps until we moved into the House, but liked to sit beside.  I reached down and scritched his head as he purred. Then he rolled harder into me so I could rub his belly.  I did this until my arm got so cold I had to pull in.  I think he's starting to really love and trust and enjoy us. 

 I tend to put images on my desktop, with the intention of adding them here or sending them to Dylan. I clear this out regularly, since I hate the clutter. And because I have enough IT people in our circle - including Dylan, that complain about users with a desktop full of open apps and assorted garbage, that I learned early on to keep a clean virtual desk. 

Since I've not written much here, my attention taken up with obsessive news watching in the futile hope that my penny's worth of urging will have some effect, the images have made a bit of a pile. 

So, without further ado, here they are without order or explanation. 

Float

 I'd like to write more.  Somehow, obsessively keeping up on the polls and the news is more tolerable, though. Keeping the worry down and keeping my thoughts superficial correlate. 

Part of the EMDR/PTSD therappy involves bilateral tapping, for which I now have a device like that used in the office of the therapist.  I've gotten to the point where I'm doing this on my own, no more scheduled appointments, which feels right. I've got this. But I need to keep up on it, keep practicing. The anxiety is part of my neurological system, I can't rewire completely, but I can moderate my tolerances. 

Four years ago, I had such hopes.  It should have worked out. Watching the rot and hatred threatening to swamp all the hope again is awful.  I honestly think we're going to pull this out and begin to right the country. I just can't let myself feel secure until it happens. 

So, I watch the cats and go to work and read and try with all my heart not to indulge in anticipatory grief. I try to float on the surface, without a goal other than to float.  I let the trauma and memories and fears float in, then float out. 

Sidelong

 

Got new tires today. It was not quite to critical, but well into overdue. One tire kept losing air, and this has been going on since christmas. We had to wait, and all the rubber tires are no fun with my mild latex allergy, so we walked. Tried to have lunch at an Indian place, but the waiter had his mask under his nose, even after a reminder, so we walked out. Good thing, found a really delicious wing place, and they were taking it all very seriously.  Our first time dining in since Mid March, and a new restaurant - which has a branch a block away from us. If our closer place is as good, we have one more tasty meal source. 

We do cook at home a lot of the time, but it's a chore for us to think of good meals, not to mention shop for, cook and clean up from. One of us should have been a bit of a foodie, but it didn't work out that way. Once or twice a week we support out local businesses in the form of take-out meals. 

Holding on to my hope this week.  Especially after Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse, D-RI. It's all very bad, but there are ways out of this mess.  Our ballots are coming today, we'll deliver them to the Library drop boxes tomorrow.  Here's to lancing this fulminant boil. 

 It's raining, finally. 

Obviously

 Obviously.  Our former mayor, still active in justice causes, offered neighbors free signs.  We knew better than to stick it around the front garden, it will disappear. So we did this. 

It's not as impressive as the 3'X8' with spotlight sign I see every morning I drive up to work, but it's pretty good. With the debate just up the hill this evening, it seemed like just the right time. 

Eleanor and Zeppo about to wrestle.

We've been really enjoying Ted Lasso, it has the same sort of love centered decency as Schitt's Creek.  A very funny drama.

Thoughts

 For some reason I was thinking last night about dealing with VIPs in a hospital setting.  Despite all the HIPPA compliance, the whispers start, the higher ups appear with admonishings, more residents show up than usual and the surgeon tries to tell them they won't be doing anything on THIS CASE. The nurses and techs are trying to keep calm and just do our jobs, reassuring each other to just do what we always do, but with all the static around, it's more difficult. 

Let me analogize. 

You are a good driver, you are driving to a known place, you have the radio on, no problem.

Then your boss and his boss get in the front seat, their favorite celebrity and two screaming kids get in the back. Bosses change the station, one turning it so loud you can't hear, the other switches it to a different station so you can tell it's on but can barely hear it, and they argue about this. Celebrity and one of the kids are giving you conflicting directions from the back, and threatening to sue you if you don't get them there on time, while the other kid is throwing up.  You are still going to drive as well as you can, but suddenly it's gotten much, much more difficult to arrive alive. 

Gosh, don't know why I thought of this. 

Closer

He came up to be petted, very sweetly. Getting braver. 

 I know from experience that wishing never killed anyone. If it did work, my father would have died a good 40 years sooner. Having said this, I will not be a hypocrite by expressing any sadness about the dire illness visited upon the traitors and monsters. They so richly deserve to suffer.

Just to add one thing, this is far worse than the liars in chief are letting on.  Because what they are claiming makes no sense, medically.  It's like when my brother assured me our father died peacefully, of a condition that does not allow that, from a man with no peace in him. No doubt that is what brother was told, I know I've used the same phrase for family, and I know it is often a comforting story that does not reflect the truth. 

Kingdom

“Royalty was like dandelions. No matter how many heads you chopped off, the roots were still there underground, waiting to spring up again.It seemed to be a chronic disease. It was as if even the most intelligent person had this little blank spot in their heads where someone had written: "Kings. What a good idea." Whoever had created humanity had left in a major design flaw. It was its tendency to bend at the knees.” - Pratchett, Feat of Clay.

Trapping

 Thursday got both cats to the vet for wellness checks and distemper shots.  Sat in the car with them, vet tech met me outside and took both in.  Eleanor in her harness, which has the effect of keeping her pretty docile.  As we waited she enjoyed the sun on the back seat and napped.  Zeppo was in the carrier wrapped in a small blanket. Because it was the only way I was able to secure him alone. Of course Dylan was working when this needed to happen, and after being off work so long and the difficulty of making the appointments, rescheduling either was out of the question. 

So. I closed as many doors as I could* and cornered him with the small throw blanket. He hissed, but once I held him he did not fight. I kissed his head and assured him he would be fine and would come back home. He made not a peep after that, our operatic cat.  Vet tech told me he was so scared, and he hid for an hour after coming home, but bounced back much quicker than previously. If anything, I think he was a bit braver by the next day.

Eleanor a little hesitant about getting in the harness to go out, but the lure of her spot in the garden was stronger.  She rolled on the sidewalk, then crept under the pushed-over sunflowers (to keep them from blocking the driveway) and stayed in her bower until I had to pick her up to go back inside. She got a good hour. 

*The House has lots of doorways, many probably had doors up to keep the heat trapped. Most of these are just open now, although we do have a number of spare doors. Mostly this is good, but makes trapping a skittish cat a bit of a challenge. 

Central

 Things fall apart, this is when we learn. This is when change happens. And pain, destruction and grief. 

We hold to the center. 

Bugger

 Thirty years ago, I despaired. I'd failed and wanted nothing more than for it all to end. I didn't know that real love waited ahead. I had no inkling how much my life would grow into a life worthwhile. 

I'm feeling much the same about the world today. And I must remind myself that none of us know the future. What changes may come. 

RBG would not have us throw away the boost she gave us. 

Bugger the bastards. 

Collision

Yesterday I mulched a bunch of the twigs and small branches, wearing safety glasses, long sleeves and pants and gloves, as well as ear protection.  Got a good pile done. 

 "For a long time now, every meeting with another human being has been a collision. I feel too much, sense too much, am exhausted by the reverberations after even the simplest conversation. But the deep collision is and has been with my unregenerate, tormenting, and tormented self. I have written every poem, every novel, for the same purpose - to find out what I think, to know where I stand. I am unable to become what I see. I feel like an inadequate machine, a machine that breaks down at crucial moments, grinds to a dreadful halt, "won’t go," or, even worse, explodes in some innocent person's face."

 - May Sarton
Journal of a Solitude

More Therappy today, and a useful insight.  Above a too low threshold, I redline without realizing it, and it reads as out of control and angry.  It comes from my past which seems a long time away, but my nervous system doesn't sense the lapse of time. It sees threat and stomps on the gas. I really do attract bullies, and give them energy, and this is the key to learning how to deflect them instead.   Emotional judo, the art of invisibility. 

This part of my life. 

I still felt shame that I didn't fight back. Today I realized I'd made an excellent tactical decision. That fighting back would have been stupid and wouldn't have worked.  Today, I was proud that I survived.  

That those reflexes that once saved me are damaging me and those around me today. They only work intermittently anyway. 

The air of impending doom is dry and mucky orange. Praying for rain.  I don't know what I'm praying TO of course, but the supplications flow out anyway. 

Humming

 The grocery/department store two blocks away has an escalator. I was riding up, and a group of what looked like high school age kids riding down. Three were black, the first guy shouts out "Black Lives Matter!" I smile a little, and notice they all have a power fist up. So, I give them the power fist. Two of them nod, I nod back, we are past each other. 

A small thing. 

Restarted therappy for the cptsd, which is hard. Realized how much I value bravery in myself.  So when I'm not brave, it's not good. 

I salvaged more of the pine/fir branches from the fallen tree across the street, as mulch.  And patched my neighbor's half drive in front of his house from the bag of concrete he let me salvage from his chimney repair. 

Zeppo crowding Eleanor. 

Roses and hummingbird trumpets.  Missed a photo, but got to watch a hummingbird this morning. 

Down

 Walked over to the park. So many trees down, large limbs, and this is after a day of city clean up.  Some went one way, some the other. 

Downed

 Yup, 112MPH (180km/h) confirmed.   This just from a walk around the block. 

Hurricane

 The wind roars, gusts like hurricanes, trees dance and fall.  A scouring wind, pushing cars and people back and forth. Electricity cut off, lines trailing along. These winds happen, usually along a strong front, whoosh through and rush away.  But this wind started last evening, waved through again in the wee hours, then right as we were finishing setting up the ORs for an 0800 start that never happened. Reserve power kicked in, went out, then generator only. And still it roars, and may until morning. 

We tidied up, salvaged what we could, and got supplies ready for tomorrow.  The drive home slightly less scary than the drive in, but more trees and branches down, and traffic lights out. My driveway full of leaves and branches crunching under my tires. After a brief break, I went back out and cleared away the worst of it, compost and mulch for the garden, later. 

Our tree in front is healthy, and seems to be having fun. 

SALT LAKE CITY — Hurricane-level winds blew into the state Tuesday morning leading to power outages, downed trees and wind damage throughout northern Utah.

The National Weather Service officially reported a wind gust of 99 mph in Farmington and unofficial reports at the University of Utah had the gusts as high as 112 mph. The Salt Lake Airport had gusts of 70 mph.

Thousands of Utahns lost power due to the strong winds and schools throughout the area were closed. 

Varnish

Summer heat lingers

Pulling back old paint, varnish

Erosion season.

Made a photo of some of my tea stuff for another site. 

Zep

Still here.