Swamped

Swamped in a grey mood
Frustration loop spinning in
Useless dusty ruts.

Can't seem to get myself out of this irritated, bored, tired mind fog. It's been going on all day. I've tried doing things, which hasn't worked well, as I drop and break things and stick myself. Doing nothing leaves me restless, I get up, walk outside and dither, come back inside. Not quite warm enough to read outside, too windy. Not raining, not sunny, the sky a dirty white block of greige barely over our heads.

Hamsterwheeling thoughts of regrets and unsolvable past mistakes and injustices and losses. I feel on the verge of sobbing, without any particular emotion or thought behind the tears. The grief and burn-out has abated somewhat, but today welled up in a stinking morass.

Everything breaking, everything falling apart, everything a muddle. Nothing to do, nowhere to go, a great emptiness.

I did weed and water. I did clear around the compost heap that I have not properly turned, sorted sticks for the garden shredder. I got the dishes run, litter boxes emptied. This is not much, lacking even a sense of accomplishment today. I circle and circle.



Zeppo is stretched out on the arm of the sofa next to Dylan's arm, head dangling over the edge. He begins to love and feel love, trust will grow much more slowly. We have not had him a year yet.