Windfall

Monarchs

Sexuality education done right.

Via TYWKIWDBI.com




The roof/solar panel loan is paid off, thanks to my mother's sense of family obligation, my brother's sense of honor, and Dylan and my sense of Paying Stuff Off ASAP. The inheritance grew in the telling, from my original estimation of $1 and a politely stated 'fuckyou' note, to maybe a few hundred after brother assured me there was money. Then a much higher amount that became thousands more, and the final amount meant a complete repayment of the loan, and plenty left over for, well, you gotta know I'll show you what we give the House. It's daunting. Not "oooIcanRetire" money. But we can get a few good things that will last us our lives.

When I estranged myself from my genital kin, I was fully prepared for all the consequences. No hedging, no backing out. After my last miserable attempt to reconcile with my mother, penultimate reason I dropped it all, completely gave up, was her assurance I was back in the Will. The final was when I was forgiven for not getting along with my abuser. No going back from that.

As though I could be bought. As though my love could be bought.

I can't. It's not for sale.

Of course, I did assume there was no money to inherit, but accepted that even if there was, I would get none. I fantasied about refusing it, even. In the end, that seemed... provocative.

My cousin Elizabeth gently reminded me not to make pointless gestures, accept what was given to me, for good or bad, enjoy it, and move on. Turns out instead of a final slap, I get a windfall. So, I'll take those consequences with as little comment as I would have taken the nothing I expected. At least to the people involved. You get to read my blathering on.

It is good stress, but it worries me. To do the right thing, not waste it.

So, you may well ask, where did all this dosh come from? I remember my mother saying she got so mad at her husband, early in their marriage, when they were scraping to get food on the table, for secretly spending a lot of the money on... Life Insurance. When he died, she told me she had no idea how well off he'd left her, presumably when those policies paid off.

I remember as a small child, my parents had a bank account, but no checking. My father would bring home his pay packet, not sure if that was a check cashed at the bank, or just cash in an envelope from the factory. They would lay out the bills, and the cash, on the dining room table, paired piles, a basic sort of budgeting. Income and outgo, no shyness about how much there was. Or how little. I wasn't so much included as not excluded. My mother would take me along as she paid all the bills, in cash, to the offices of utility companies. The electric co. had a place to recycle old lightbulbs that had broken or burnt out, carefully counted to be replaced for free.


It's just that in my family all gifts came with strings. Which is why I loved Santa Claus gifts, didn't even have to thank him. (It's not that I minded being grateful, not at all. I hated being forced to seem grateful, especially when the gift was unwanted in the first place.) Apparently inheritance is the same sort, no one left to thank. Like treasure found.


The rain falls upon the just and the unjust.