Brother

When the phone rang, Dylan checked the caller ID, as one does in these days of constant spam assault.

"It's your brother..."

I said, "It must be a death."

I missed picking up, called right back. I listened, I apologized, I thanked him. I asked, "Is there anything I can do for you?" I was gentle and I cried with him a little. He checked that he had our right address, told me there would be papers from the lawyer about her estate. I stayed patient, quiet and accepting. Because his relationship with his mother does not need my bad memories. Ring theory of grief.



Taking some comfort in my ability to be kind in that moment. I've been preparing for it long enough. I didn't add to "thank you for calling" the thought "this time." I didn't add to "I'm glad you were there for her" the phrase, "because I sure as hell couldn't be" I didn't mention my conflicted reactions to being in the inheritance, not the time, there may never be a time. He told me she was at peace and out of pain at the end*. I did not contradict, in part because I don't know. In part because he isn't to know how nurses tell everyone that.

And that inheritance does bother at me. Depending on how much it is, and it really can't be very much, it's more a burden than a boon. (Although I know my father bought a lot of insurance when my eldest brother was young. My father did take care of money, to the extent he had any. Fiscal responsibility was ground into all of us.) I may send some of it back to my brothers. I also have to remember to keep enough to pay the tax at the end of the year. Give some to Planned Parenthood, again depending. A windfall is something I immediately want to deal with, shield myself from, not squander, but apportion out. I want to share it, too.

When Granny moved to an assisted living place, I was with Mom at her apartment as the aunts and cousins fought over the things. Nothing valuable, just ordinary stuff. But as Dylan says, the politics were so ugly because the stakes were so low. Mom pointed out that you really find out about people when you share an inheritance with them. The same true of divorce.

I may have to watch The Wrong Box again, and maybe The Quiet Man too.

“Being kind is a matter of altruism, being good is a matter of morality, and being nice is a matter of etiquette.”

*I had no idea just how comforting that phrase is to those left behind after a death. I mean, I said it often enough to patients' families, But, wow. A good death, ease after suffering, in a state of grace. It doesn't have to be factual to be true.