Pétomane

Granny was elderly when I was born. At a certain age, I learned she'd lost her sense of smell, and realized that she was very hard of hearing, despite hearing aids. Oh, and that she had foul, loud farts, that I assumed she thought she was getting away with, silently and odorlessly. Of course, I never said anything to her. Found it vaguely funny, although I was never one for fart humor. I figured she'd be mortified if she knew how loud and how bad it was, but recently, I begin to wonder if she was past caring.

Because over the last few years, I have settled into my own gassiness. I avoid beans, because I will be woken with loads of sulfurous and uncomfortable gaseousness through the night. Likewise broccoli and cauliflower, cabbage and dried apricots. And I've had to be careful about what I bring to eat for lunch at work. Although I still get tooty in the afternoons, no matter what I eat. I try to stifle and move away from people - never knowing if it will be a stench or relatively odorless. Thankfully, most of what emerges is not very stinky. A day when I'm wearing a lead skirt for X-ray makes it easier not to offend.

It has gotten worse over the last few years, and I'm very conscious of it. Still, nothing to be done. Gotta come out. And it's probably indicative of gut health.

I do have wheat germ in my cereal every morning, which has done wonders for my long standing issues with intestinal gas pain and sluggishness, crippling cramping from early childhood and well into my 30s. Improved diet, belly dance, and other coping issues, means a happier digestive system entire. Improved motion all around.

Still. It's hard to know when to mumble and "'scuse me" or just ignore it, move along. When a nursing student doing clinicals, I've cheered on those who've had gut surgery, waiting for the first fart, as a sign of health and healing. In general, though, I've never found anything innately funny about farts. Maybe if I could have seen this guy perform.

Eh, let 'er rip.