Reading this, I thought of this, and am bothered by this. (Even as I always watch the images at this site.)
Women do not think about being looked at, not as some men seem to see it - as a manipulative act. It may become that, for some, who feel most observed. But most of us are busy with our own lives. And I resent that my young womanhood was seen as an affront, a display, a provocation. Relieved that my older humanity is less visible.
I was busy, dammit. I didn't give a shit what random men thought about me, or how their pants reacted.
I may have felt criticized and observed. I was told often enough by creepy old guys, "Gimme a smile! C'mon, it's not that bad!" Fuck 'em. But I did not consider my appearance, which I could not assess, from the point of view of a nasty ogling idiot. If I used it against them, which I was not savvy enough to do, it was unintentional, and unaware.
If anything, I was ugly, ill fitting and strange. But I had bigger worries. I had my own life, and didn't care enough about the kind of men who only looked at me to do anything about them at all.
Demons, they have female demons, all around them. And mistake actual female human beings for them. The actual women have nothing to do with this internal, and somewhat psychotic, dialogue.
5 comments:
great post, zhoen, really struck a chord.
pc,
Weird thing is, I'd written it a while ago, but didn't post it for some reason. Looking through my drafts, which are usually half formed or accidentally saved, deleting, and I found this one.
then i'm glad you did.
It does not occur to me often that a woman I see as I am walking to or from the train should allow for any thoughts of being looked at by others. But sometimes, and there are cases of both men or women, there is a person who is dressed either outlandishly or provocatively that I believe their intention is to be looked at.
Phil,
Not an unreasonable guess, but not the same as knowing. We are eternal mysteries to each other.
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