Woke thinking about having to go to church on Sunday, the only exception being when I was sick. And if I was too sick to go to church, I was too sick to go anywhere else that day. Sort of an automatic grounding. My childhood was full of such mandatories.
Mostly the family obligations, I had to be there, reading a book was verboten - unspeakably rude. So I had to sit there, and engage in the conversation - without interrupting or being a pest, no moping, no sulking, no getting that look on my face. If I failed in any particular, specifically with my father's family, I would be shouted at in the car the whole,long, way home. Mostly, the drive from Amherstburg, across the bridge, to Detroit, was full of hectoring at me. Told how rude I was, how ignorant. I had to gladly accept any food given me, with gratitude and evident enjoyment, no matter how awful it was. That I was excluded made no difference. That they were talking about curtains - I remember that rant clearly, made no difference. That I was bored and could only hear their bad grammar and was not allowed to play with anything and the nasty peanut butter was thickly dumped on stale bread, mattered not. His only sister, who never showed any interest in me, had to be treated the same as my aunts who clearly loved me.
Wait. Madeline did express sudden interest in me. When I was about 16 or so. Out of the blue. So weird it seemed at the time, I deflected it completely. But, had I my mother's back up on this one, unexpectedly. There were gifts and cards, when there never had been before. She kept trying to hug me. There was a distinct creepiness about it, but I had no clue what.
Since adulthood, I've always suspected an unhealthy attachment between my father and his only sister. Knew he'd been held back starting school, so she, a year younger, would start with him. That he insisted on a birthday cake for her at his wedding, her birthday being the next day. My father lacked boundaries, but then so did his next older brother - less profoundly. Not that I'll ever know exactly what, but the shape of this is suggestive. Perhaps the three youngest suffered mishandling, it would explain much. The whole family had some nasty history, although with the preponderance of lies, it's impossible to know clearly.
Had a friend who told me he won't be told not to like someone. A mutual friend was being an ass to me, and I assured him that was just fine, I would not ask him to drop a friend just because I didn't like them anymore. But for me, I won't be forced to socialize with people I don't like, just because I'm told I must. He was isolated as a kid. I was on display, participation demanded. He's a big, friendly social bear. I'm a quiet conversation in the kitchen during a party. Took a long time for me to simply deny the obligation to go be festive.
Most of my adulthood was about not accepting other's ideas of what I had to do. Figuring out what really is necessary, what I chose to accept as needful. No, I don't really have to bring sugary treats to your holiday party. No, it won't be fun. No, I don't really have to go to church. Clearing off the barnacles of obligation, sailing away.
Side effect, clearly, is the lack of friends. But then, most of the 'friends' weren't. The few that were, I'm still in some contact with. These friends, it's more a matter of changing lives, distance, busyness with young children, nothing personal.
Perhaps, when circumstances change, or I change them, there will be a new wave of friends. Perhaps not. But I love and am loved. And there are two cats who, in their feline way, love me too, and feel my love for them.
I'd hate 'love' out of duty. Contradiction in terms.
7 comments:
In my late teens I disliked this obligation to go to church and stopped going altogether. Apart from that my parents did not really place a lot of obligations on my brother, sister or I.
Now I really only feel obligated to go to work.
(o)
i was fortunate in not being forced into too many such situations. but i do remember being told i'd said or done something wrong, that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach… still happens now, but i expose myself to almost nothing that makes me feel this way - one of the joys of adulthood.
had two "family" dinners with my father-in-law when my husband was away (because only then could my mother-in-law pretend it was "family," without my husband shattering the illusion by having nothing to do with his dad). these dinners were SO awkward and unpleasant i swore i would not ever engage in maintaining her sad pretense that we were all "family." she is. he isn't.
glad of the freedom adulthood brings.
Phil,
A real obligation is one thing, the arbitrary, and ever changing ones, the unreasonable ones, those stick into one.
pc,
Ugh, sounds awful. I can deal with the occasional one, the BILs weddings, funerals, showing support and approval. Or, like you, trying once or twice, under exceptional circumstances. I think trying is obligatory, or at least, advisable.
(O)
Well, if people don't act in a friendly way to you, it's hard to learn what friendliness is or how to give it back. Sad but not really surprising. YOu sound interesting and smart, the kind of person who thinks for yourself and thinks about others. That kind of person gets friends. Perhaps the route forward is to identify exactly what the barriers were that you learned to put up. Once identified, they're easier to pull down.
Jenny,
Some of us just aren't that, and can't change. I've worked hard all my life to reach out and be a good friend. It's not lack of effort. And what I get, are people who, if I don't contact them, just never contact me. I offer too much, and it's not for lack of trying.
No, I don't think I will ever have what I would consider, a good friend. What I hope for, is a tiny social circle.
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