It's huge, this thicket of hedge, long neglected. I've lopped off quite a lot, but there is so much more to go, so many thick branches. I'm good for leaving the plants, greenery is good. But this mass has gotten out of hand for a city yard - safer to be able to see over it. Spent hours both days making a barely discernible dent. I need to saw, just lopping at least lets me figure out what is there.
The door is closed, done.
Unlocked, they won't follow.
Truth too hard for them.
They failed us again. My one brother put in an appearance and then couldn't be arsed. Older brother at least never pretended, not this go round, only the usual bright salesman sociability. Busy with his own two daughters' estrangements. Mother's phone number blocked, I couldn't stand being implicated in my own abuse. Given how toxic, I wonder that physical abuse was not ever really present in our little branch. Not to my knowledge, at any rate. The odd spanking when I was very small, but even that stopped very early. I remember three, and even I could not count that aspect abusive, just completely incomprehensible. No, it was the constant bullying, then the hypocrisy, the judgement.
Working through erasing the old voices, dropping the old baggage. It should fucking well be all gone now, but there is a massive amount still bobbing to the surface unpredictably, unknown amounts mushrooming in reserve. Trying to let it come and go, as with thoughts during meditation. At least not dragging it along any further.
Talking to myself as a kid now. I like her, I love that she paid attention and saw clearly, even if she couldn't interpret it well - not having the vocabulary or distance. I need to talk with someone who was there, me at ten works pretty well. Oh, and Aunt Evelyn, too. She would laugh at my decorating, but it would be meant kindly, accepting of my eccentric taste. Even when she disapproved, it would be in proportion, I would not feel her love for me was on the line.
She'd love how much this house is like hers. She'd love all the reds. She'd approve of my toy box for visiting children.
8 comments:
Yes, my kids too would appreciate the toy box. It is quite thoughful to have such.
Phil,
No more than having beverages for the adults, or keeping the thermostat up for friends from California. Just trying to be a decent host.
Life can be like that hedge. Keep lopping the bits off until you can see what's underneath. Every bit you lop off lets in a bit more light. How pseudo-philosophical can I get, eh?
RR's very right, as well as neat!
very good, RR
A toy box is a marvellous idea
RR,
Exactly right, I'm fond of practical philosophy.
hello. i think you know why i'm here, and i have not started reading you yet other than to skim a few entries and decide that i will start reading you later, when my time of reading blogs comes and i am on the sofa instead of at my desk.
meantime, i just wanted to to know i'm here.
TOYS!!!
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