Once in school, I was to take cupcakes to class. Helping frost them, I was trying to hold back so that I would have some frosting left for myself. My mother chided me for being stingy. She was right, of course. Still, I had no desire to be generous to children I didn't like. They could have all the cupcakes they wanted, but not all my frosting.
Most of the neighborhood children that I played with always insisted on going first, and getting the biggest piece, and I was so glad of company, I never objected. While wishing for friends who wanted me to go first, some times anyway.
I can be generous with my time, effort, things, but less so with my food, and I want anyone imposing on my generosity to come to me. Driving is a huge chore that I barely want to do for myself. Not big on being thanked, actually prefer gifts to be quickly acknowledged then quietly ignored. Finding out later it was useful is good, but hardly necessary.
I am deep down shy, and agoraphobic. I don't like large groups of people, especially if they all notice me. Putting on an act, including a brave face, takes every mental trick and a lot of effort, which I can do, but for a limited time, and not too often. Just a few people is fine, or a whole faceless crowd in which to be lost. I face these anxieties daily, and it does get easier with practice and over so many years. Does not change the sub-strata, only covers it up. No letting it rule me, but best not to stress it to breaking point.
I'm ok with not being liked. Doesn't make me a bad person, just not that likable in the middle. Pleasant in casual meetings, capable of a deep, deep love with one person, but friends in between tend to drift away after a while. Perhaps Reader Friends (that's all of you) hear the Why and the aftermath, and don't see me flubbing through a social situation, we form a different class of associations and expectations.
However uneven it may look, everyone gets something out of an exchange. Pay, or control, or a creative outlet, satisfaction or flattery, but something, always something. Best to know what you are trading with, and for what.
Once I see, I can't unsee. Not about anger or forgiveness, but when I see malice, habitual neglect, harm, in someone, I don't want them close to me. No second chances then, no going back. Probably why I have no other friends.
On the other hand, D loves me, Moby trusts me. I hold fast to them.
Going through the closets, putting away the winter clothes, bringing out the light stuff, getting rid of what we have not worn. D is off at a game meet-up, with my blessings. Needing an afternoon to myself.
5 comments:
I recognise a lot of this. Time and again I tell myself I won't try to give more than I want to, or can, but worry I'm being stingy, and push myself to give a bit more, then end up feeling, rightly or wrongly, uncomfortable and ripped off, and it would have been better never to have started.
You really don't need to justify yourself, you know, you did what was needful. And of course you, and I, will not make the same mistakes again because the same things never happen twice, but we'll make others and go on being hard on ourselves about them. But I suppose that's a necessary part of the matter.
Life seems so chancy; we get pushed this way and that but there are times when, as you say, something is precipitated, a choice is made and there is just no going back. It can be a relief.
Sorry, this is probably more about me than you.
Lucy,
It's about both of us, as you hold this mirror up I see myself more clearly. Thank you.
I haven't had time for such self reflection.
Of course, there isn't really room in blog for so revealing a post anyhow.
You've hit some of my thoughts. A handful of years ago, I stuck with a friend through a lot of misunderstandings and failings. Then, when I needed a friend the most earlier this year, she stuck by me. Didn't expect it, but there she was. We're both certain now that our friendship will last the Ages. As for me, I would let her drink the last beer on earth. I'm like you, Z, in that once I see, I can't unsee. And there you have it.
Rou,
She ended it, and I have no recourse but to rationalize and accept. I don't understand, really. But looking back, I see all the cracks, and must come to a kind of relief, however sad. I'd still give her the last beer on earth, should she ask me for it.
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