This has been on my mind since I read it. It's so easy, when we are inexperienced, to be charitable to people who are flattering to us, and ignore their frightening traits. The ex had charming traits, of course he did. And I thought I was being kind and tolerant about his 'demons.' Oh, yes, he could be mean, but only when he was tired or stressed. He always apologized when he demeaned me, though leaving me knowing it was all my fault. My own temper and character were nothing to be proud of. I didn't want my faults too much criticized, so I tended to let his slide.
I wonder, then, how useful it would be to teach Relationships as a high school class. How to avoid abusive situations, and identify manipulation. Not that it would keep everyone from bad marriages, but maybe give some people the tools to avoid the worst ones. And the insights to recognize the good ones.
That contempt is toxic no matter what the excuse. Any name calling, however provoked, cannot be excused, ever. That we need to look at that person's worst traits, multiply them by ten, and assume we might have to live with that. And we need to learn to be the kind of person we'd like to live with, holding ourselves to the same standards, no whining,
I chose better the second time. I have heard D lose his temper and yell. Never, ever AT me. Nor do I ever shout AT him. (Just, say, to keep each other from danger, like - "Look out! Duck!") He gets pretty withdrawn at times, and inattentive. I've learned to just ask when I need him, and let him hide when necessary. He has taught me to be calm, and not give into my rages, without ever making me feel something is wrong with me.
I'm sure I saw his worst during our sojourn to Gulf War I, scared, sleep deprived, annoyed, but never unkind. And again when he smashed his elbow, and never once asked "why me" nor "poor me" only doing all his therapy and grimly going on. Not an easy time for either of us, but my admiration for him grew through watching how he dealt with unremitting pain. He seems to feel the same about me, taking me as a whole. And I try to live up to this all encompassing acceptance.
LIfe is hard. The person you live with should make it easier, not harder.
4 comments:
Very good post, Zhoen. Read the article you linked, too.
:)
It's surprising how many people try, painfully, to settle down with someone they just don't get on with.
I agree with the idea of a relationships course in high school. It probably would have taught me a lot at the time that I would not necessarily have understood at the time, but would have benefitted me later on.
Yes. A difficult thing to teach, though. So many kids have never seen a good relationship that they probably think they're mythical, something made up by the media. You'd have to convince them that yes, there really are people who treat each other with respect and kindness.
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