I had that same old dream again, where I am living in my parents house, and I spend most of it trying to find another place to live. The emphasis of these, the details, change. The same theme comes up once in a while, always anxiety ridden. This time I was sleeping in the same room as my father, who started shouting at me. I walked away, trying to find the bathroom in the house I grew up in, all dreamchanged. And figured out I'd be able to afford a room to rent somewhere. Only as I started to wake up did I remember I live alone with D, and we have a home, if not a house.
We signed a new lease over the weekend, and a friend signed on his house this week.
Came in from work, and a rather voluptuous woman walked out the door in a tank top with string straps, uncomfortably short shorts. Right behind her, two slight women with headscarves, and long sleeve dresses over jeans. And all left me feeling rather unsettled. Jiggling too much flesh in too little clothing is offputting to me, as is the overhiding of self. Men viewing of women as sexual objects is not changed a bit by what that woman wears, because it is all in their heads. Men who are respectful are so because they see women as their equals, reinforced by a culture of equality.
This is not to say I blame the women who wear the scarf. In that culture, even transplanted here, it is expected of them, often tacitly, sometimes explicitly. But it does feel intrusive to me, as though they express contempt for my lack of modesty. Like wearing an obvious religious symbol too prominently to ignore. Which is all in my head, of course, just like the erotic thoughts of men looking at women.
I don't really express much in my clothing, other than being comfortable and not caring much. But the assertion of Muslim women that they are dressing to associate themselves with their culture feels disingenuous. I don't wear a corset and petticoats to harken back to my cultural history, although that would be fun for dress-up. (And I do know a fair number of women who own, and occasionally wear, corsets.) But not as everyday dress. I suspect the head scarf wearers are being pressured, either by actual family members, or their own imagined critics. Both, perhaps.
What we imagine others may think of us can be ridiculously powerful.
And, yes, a man in too little, or too tight clothing, or in full on religious garb, feels much the same way to me. Too insistent, too obvious, forcing me to choose... something.
I saw a soldier in BDUs in the car behind me on my way to work. And I could feel exactly how that uniform used to feel on me. I could feel the starched sleeves, and the bulk of the cargo pockets, the weight of the fabric, the edge of the collar against my neck. Clothes press in on me.
7 comments:
I like it when people wear their own clothes here: it feels to me like they're trusting me with something. But I can picture it feeling other ways.
Dale,
Maybe it's the weight of meaning in my own building, on my way in from work, that unnerves me. In the context of a local festival, I read it very differently.
:-) It always does depend on context, doesn't it?
i never mind what others wear. i am careful to please myself in my own dress without regard to others. if people want to honor their religious beliefs that is ok by me, even if i disagree with those beliefs. i never thought a nun looked odd in her habit when i was young. i don't feel uncomfortable when i see muslim women covering face and skin. i disagree totally with the reasons they do it, but it does not upset me to see them in their customary attire. in fact, i disagree with most religious beliefs. i am only offended when someone wants/pushes me to believe exactly what s/he believes. i guess i feel like i want the freedom to be me, and i like to give that freedom back.
What we imagine others may think of us can be ridiculously powerful.I have honed the ability to, for the most part, completely disregard any thoughts of what others may think of me. It has made my life a whole lot more simple.
Muslim women choosing to wear headscarfs seems a lot like non-muslim women choosing to wear skirts to me.
Both are gendered forms of dress surrounded with social expectations and pressure, plenty of bad things said about those women who choose never to wear them, moralising over hemlines or hairlines that reveal too much or too little...
Very little to set them apart save for a little matter of geography and culture.
Pacian,
Well, a woman who will only wear a skirt under any circumstances... rather different than a woman simply wearing a skirt because it's cooler in the summer or she's going to a dressy event. A man wearing a sarong or kilt in the US, especially at work, would certainly be making a strong statement of cultural affiliation.
I presume no moral difference, only the public self presentation thereof.
Sky,
If there was a nun living in my building, and dressing every day in full habit, I would feel odd about her, and I spent ten years in Catholic school. I do notice the extremes, and I am trained to diagnose. Essential nosiness.
I also saw women fully covered in Saudi Arabia, including the shrouded women beggars, only a gloved hand extended from a pile of fabric. I do see these "choices" as cultural impositions on them, and that they are coerced to defend them on moral grounds. Just as young western women defend excessive exposure as "freedom" and to avoid being considered dowdy or prudish. We think we choose freely, but my point is that really, we have less choice than we realize. And we say more to those around us than we perhaps intend.
Phil,
Simpler is easier to live with, certainly.
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