Monster

I was a child terrified of the dark, under the bed where piraña lurked to eat off my toes, shadow demons on the walls, skulls that stared death, tree branches come to life scratching at the window to snatch at me. Creaking floors and rattling windows. I bunched myself down at the foot of the bed, thickening the blankets for warmth and psychic protection. Stuffed animals wedged behind my back as security.

My dreams haunted by skeletons, malicious eyes, I sensed myself an immense bloated entity engulfing a tiny fragile being, or my bed flew up, over the stairwell, dumping me to fall slowly, inexorably down the long steep stairs, the door at the bottom opened, to a steep, grassy drop. Naked, cold and alone, I wandered, accused, lost in the dark, light switches everywhere, none turned on lamps.

My mother would pull me to the top of the bed. I never knew how I returned to that position, until she complained one morning that I had hit her, leaving a bruise on her face, when she'd performed this essential adjustment. I apologized to her. I was angry, though. Why could I not stay there, warm and safe? Secretly, glad I'd fought back in my sleep.

Of course, it was just the house settling, just cars driving by, just ordinary trees in the wind, nothing under the bed at all. The adults had all the answers, none of which addressed my fears, and me without sufficient words to ask. Surrounded by monsters, as all children are. They have to trust, but how are they to know that they really can? Even if they can't, what choice do they have?

And I was a monstrous child, silent, scheming, a gloss of good over rage and hatred. Incomprehension of others, as well as of myself. Drifting without compass, a wild and dangerous wraith, brittle, frightened.

The monster grew up, learned to speak, became strong enough to release the rage, to forgive, to have the power to trust those trustworthy, to look the same outside and in, to find comfort in dark and light, and the shadows between. Still dangerous, but only to those with sharp sticks. A black cat sleeps under the bed, he eats wild monsters.



Inspired by Tall Girl.