Wishes

Starting to gain a little ground on my health. Still woke coughing, and for the first hour. Definitely not back to fully healthy yet, but pretty sure I'll get there. Taking another week to rest and recover, before I offer to cover lunches or shifts. Yeah, full burn-out in force.

Humans survive, though, don't we? Get through the hard stuff, deny it's that bad as long as possible. Or is that just those of us who have endured abuse? Well, I guess we all have the potential, then, since there is no commonality to being abused. Yes, I have been going through the Captain Awkward posts, how did you know? Well, it does help, the perspective, the insights, the maps to get out.

My father was the abuser, my mother the gaslighter, a well oiled double act.

One of the repeating themes of abuse is that the abused takes on the guilt and responsibility. And the habit of people to heap that on the abused because that person is the reasonable one that will listen, rather than the dangerous one who can't be reasoned with. What is even more insidious is that if that reasonable person is ourself, we will take on the responsibility because that is the one factor we can control and understand and change. We blame ourselves for the atrocious behaviour of others because we can fix that. It's completely irrational in practice, but in theory, inside the mirror universe of a dysfunctional house, it is the only rational approach.

I wish I could reach out to the friends who took me in, over my (mild) objections, and let me escape from the ex. Apologize for the chaos I brought into their house, however inadvertent, in the two weeks it took me to find an apartment in a very tight market. It's been nearly 30 years, their names aren't very unique, and she was in the FIB*, so probably not all that internet findable. I wish them well, not that wishes have any effect. They also took care of some of my finances while I was activated to Gulf War I, along with the woman who stayed in my apartment (wasn't giving that place up) for utilities only. I'd like to thank her as well. Another common name, and no way to find after so long.

I wish I could have had a place to escape my parents' house.

Head down, use the time, heal, rest.