Examined

Going to get my feet examined this morning.

My head could maybe use a top up as well, but I think I'll do that on my own. Several dreams about the ex, specifically the "I want a divorce" event, wrapped up in finding an apartment. I still get those nightmares, although they usually circle my father and getting out of their house. Anxious angry dreams, remembered perhaps because my sleep is interrupted by foot spasms.

And our friends just moved to a new apartment, and are having a wedding in the fall. They are lovely people, but it does stir up the pond for me.

Weddings unsettle me profoundly. I prefer funerals, lower expectations of cheer. Forced celebrations and awards worry me, I avoid them whenever possible, they give me no joy. The odd party I can manage, even relish. I like being with good people.

The ex doesn't much appear in these nightmares, it's largely fear and anticipation, packing boxes and finding the words. When going through EMDR, the ex was a side note. I dealt with ex, stood up and changed my life. That lingers as an annoyance, a scar after the surgery, not the real problem. My helplessness in the sweaty red face of my father's rage created the lasting anxiety. I think of the ex rarely, when provoked, irrelevant being.

So, what is really bothering me? The charge nurse at work and her snide anger in part, but she is not the manager, and only has so much power.

The state of the world as a constant undercurrent. My own already acknowledged strain that needs a vacation to heal. And I'm not in bad shape, only curious and confused by this unusual tic. I want to figure out what it's telling me, so I can deal with it properly before it becomes a real problem.

Off to shower and scrub my feet. Unwashed feet is a legitimate complaint from orthopedic residents about patients. I will not be that patient. I will have the cleanest damn feet.