Ends

A friendship has ended, and I know now that I was right to have wondered if she wanted it to end before. It's hard to be the bad guy and tell someone you just don't like them that much anymore. The slipping of interest was obvious, but explainable as a temporary, circumstantial change, not permanent nor fundamental. A series of what should have been minor misunderstandings caused mutual bad feeling, mostly bafflement on my part. My suggestion that we assume mutual lack of malice and just wipe the muddle away and start fresh and lightly was given a mere few weeks trial, and I was told that her feelings had changed. A simple phone call was rejected because she had a hard time hearing me properly the last time we spoke on the phone, the word she used was "harrowing." I could pick at the details, but it wouldn't change the fundamental fact, I was no longer a comfort and joy to her. Nothing else matters, really.

I suspect I'm not much of a friend, not in the long run certainly. I have no real friends now, which grieves me. How I manage to keep a warm and loving marriage going is something of an anomaly. I'm cranky and opinionated and more than a little intense. I don't really tolerate fools or hypocrites with anything like grace. I'm well known for walking away from ties that pinch, i.e. my genetic family. I do make an effort to keep in touch, which seems not to be a virtue. One very old friend cut me off bit by bit, until there was no contact left. We met at a party about a year or so ago, had a lovely, warm conversation, exchanged information (we live two blocks apart) and she never made contact. I figured it was her move, and was unsurprised that she did not make it. On the other hand, I reconnected with a once very close friend after many years apart, and after a visit from her, decided I could not deal with all her excuses for why her life had gone astray, the same ones she'd been using for over a decade at that point. She did not need my pity, and I could not have hidden it long. Friendships falter on such shoals.

So, I am very grateful for all of you who stop by and leave a comment, think kindly of me, send art. (ahem.)

I have D and Moby, I am blessed beyond measure. I shall focus on jokes and amusing stories for the next while. After today. Not today. Today I am just grieving and letting go, and realizing that a dull weight has been lifted. Earning back trust is no easy task, after all. I was willing, trying, but now, well, job over, cancelled, go home. Shrug and get changed, check out.

Engaging case to end the day, which passed the time so well.