Often, when I am thinking, I have been misread. The kind of people who take these things personally have accused me of being angry when I am simply pre-occupied. My father often accused me of sulking or pouting when I simply pondered. I have no idea what I look like at these moments, I can only extrapolate.
I believe I am not easy to read correctly. Not that the hostile and oversensitive don't see themselves reflected in my blank look. It's a phenomena that utterly baffles me, as I remain as oblivious to my expression as I am to the vestigial Canadian "oou" that creeps out when I am tired. (I can tell I've said Hoouse or aboout because D grins, then denies I've said anything faintly Canadian.)
Being surrounded by engineering and ADD type guys, I have little feedback when I might be looking grimly grouchy. They don't see it, they wouldn't read into it, and certainly wouldn't take it personally.
It still amazes and frightens me how often others claim as fact that I am angry, when I am still. How often they attribute malice to my face when I am making a mental list of tasks. At the breathtaking audacity of their assurance that they know what I am feeling and thinking, when I would never presume to tell them their minds. (Amazing they can live in anything so small...)
I have no idea what goes on in such leaky people, that cannot see that what they have in their hearts has nothing to do with me.
14 comments:
I've had to work very hard to become more responsive to the people around me -- at some point I realized that my nonresponsiveness when concentrating was really disturbing to the people I lived with (and loved dearly), so I learned, painfully, to surface more often and respond. Very difficult. To them, of course, I'm still disturbing, but I think I've made about as much change as I'm willing (able?) to make.
I envy people with stillness in their faces. Nervous, twitchy, over-intense faces, artificial smiles, aren't easy to be around either.
I heard that a lot when I was a teen but as an adult my friends and family know that if I'm frowning but not looking at them, it means I'm thinking hard and if I'm mad at them, I'm looking right at them and yelling..;)
(plus my husband has the same intense look on his face when he's concentrating, so has never interpreted my look as being hostile)
As you've noted...it's about them, way more than it's about you!
Apparently, I have a pursed mouth and a 'thousand yard' stare when I'm thinking. Like you say, I have no way of knowing this, it's just what people have told me over the years.
Maybe it's just insecurity on the interpreters' part, rather than audacity or hostility, though, Zhoen? As someone fairly insecure with past experiences of having to read people's moods and act accordingly, I know something about the perpetual nervyness this can bring on in a person. Other people tend to leak into me (very tiring, this), but considering matters objectively, I probably have the potential of being what you so sharply-funnily name a leaky person, too.
Having said all that, of course you are right in drawing your own boundaries firmly and not allowing leakage.
Anna,
It could be all of those things. I simply imply that when I am inaccurately accused of hostility - it is because that is what they are bringing to it. And I stand by 'audacity' since they are TELLING me what I am feeling. Mere insecurity would not so presume.
My chronic liar of a father always told me I was lying - when I knew I wasn't. And the greatest sin to him was being 'rude" when people didn't act as he wanted them to. While he thought he could do or say whatever he wanted.
We are mirror people, and as such make others very uncomfortable, then they share with us their misery.
Anna,
Oh, and I was referring to specific people and a specific incident, and saying that person in that situation was being audacious.
Hei again, Zhoen. I like your term "mirror people", both in form and content, and yes, the thing about perpetual pathological liars (I married one, and my father has aspects of it too) is they seem to see their own flaws in other people - in fact, often only in other people, and often totally inaccurately.
Your post had me wondering about myself, though - certain experiences never leave you, as you, I think, know, and I'm not certain that I haven't at least in some way been forever tainted by the leakage thing. I will tremendously easily interpret other people's behaviours and emotions (as guessed/perceived by me) as somehow having been caused by me ("are you angry with me, did I do something wrong"), which can be terribly annoying to those close to me, feeling, I suppose, as if I don't realise people have an inner life completely independent of my doings and sayings. You seem way better than I at drawing the boundary between yourself and others. It's an area I still have a fair amount of growing to do.
It feels nice that you came back to clarify the issue further, like you take your guests (in this case, me) and our conversation seriously. Thank you, Zhoen, that's really lovely.
Anna,
You come here, read, and respond. I am honored.
I suppose people like our fathers leave us with an over or under active sense of how we are seen. It's a damn hard road either way.
(o)
(o)
The previous one was me. Sorry.
This is a good reminder not to "act out" insecurities, zhoen.
When I was a kid, people would always accuse me of looking ill when I was deep in thought.
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