A simple task, like spelling a name I actually have spelled properly before, gotten wrong, repeatedly. Three times. With polite, proper, thorough correction every time, makes me feel an utter idiot. Blind and inattentive. Possibly brain damaged, pre-alzheimers, stupid. All this experience for naught, my failing habits betraying my eroded intellect.
That I have done smart things, done well in school, learned much at work is no ease. I am relearning a new version of my work, and I am making newbie errors, as I expected. Back at square one, but with a map, knowing the route. Still, error, error, error. Irritated by the same old stuff. Knowing staying in Boston was not an option, happy to have friends here, but it is just a place. And I no more belong here than I will ever belong anywhere. And I find myself shaken, even knowing, prepared, resigned. I've been new at most things for the last three years, I know what this is about.
But my confidence has both been tempered, and is sore. To have my basic spelling shown deficient, my attention inadequate, throws me into a spiral. I want to delete the whole blog, erase Zhoen forever, then jump off a cliff myself. Quitting. A cowardly response, selfish and tired. Feeding into my lifelong refuge of suicidal thoughts. Escape, oblivion, no more, no more.
Dylan's mere presence, stops me cold. To so hurt him would be unforgivable, a brutal contempt, a mess that makes me wish I had no love in my life at all, so that I could just stop. Utter failure of any pretense of compassion. No. Even to turn my back on so many kind bloggers who have encouraged my writing would be ungrateful.
I'm tired, and I bashed my toe with a wooden folding table last night.
Carol, in the locker room tonight, told me she thought I did a beautiful job. I hold on to that.
It's always the little things.
I'm still an idiot.
19 comments:
Oh Zhoen, I so sympathize with this post. It's so tempting to throw things down and run off, whenever things seem to be going badly. Don't quit, don't erase yourself. Please.
And FWIW we are all idiots, at least part-time, it's the condition humaine. Being human is like buying a complicated appliance second-hand without a user's guide: you have to plug it in and try to figure it out on-the-go.
Rest, have a gentle weekend with D and the furrier M. Be good to yourselves.
You are so not an idiot. I'm sorry I pointed out that spelling error, but it's the sort of thing I appreciate myself when others take the time to point out such mistakes - because lord knows we all make them! Relax. Keep writing.
By the way, this is Dave from ViaNeg. I have no frigging idea why I can't get Blogger to display my frigging profile. I'm not trying to leave anonymous comments, which the bold type below the comment box informs me are not allowed.
Udge,
yeah. 'cept I work this weekend.
Dave,
No, I did appreciate it. It was the subsequent inability to self correct. Thrice. And I know which Dave you are, not to worry.
Patience, rest, kindness...you know the drill.
Um, at the risk of speaking out of turn here, you are, by my inaccurate guess, entering or well into middle age (I will be 60 next March), and I know from experience, both mine and others', that this is the time that our brains do not learn or relearn as easily as we did when there was a helluva lot less information stored in them from life experience.
You've already heard gentle but pointed injunctions to be patient with yourself, and get some rest. Here's another. And when you feel better, pet the Moby for me.
Please don't go! Don't be silly! It's just that bloggers, along with all our lovely characteristics, are often language pedants. I love you for being as intense as I am myself. But really, we can give ourselves a totally hopelessly hard time. Please don't think this kind of thign matters, when you've given us so much pleasuree with two novels and so much more. xxx
spelling mistake not made on purpose to make you feel better, if that makes you feel any better....
Now, now, stop all that nonsense - as my Mum would say when I was being dramatically self-critical - (always being either full of confidence or on the floor with self-disgust). These moments come and go and you have a great, solid plateau of experience and competence to bear you up. Don't you dare consider erasure.
What you lack in name spellingness, you more than make up for in compassionate wisdom.
I think those of us who were raised in critical households where making a mistake (even while learning something new) was not honored as part of the process, get a second chance, during middle age, to be gentle with ourselves and/or to realize how funny this memory sieve is!
Here's the choice...you can grieve the loss of your formerly excellent memory or you can laugh at the fact that you can't remember someone's name but you can remember ALL the lyrics to "You Can't Rollerskate in a Buffalo Herd"!
What a cosmic joke, eh!
Ach, I've had days like you describe. And when it's going on it feels like it's always been that way and ever will. Then I get some sleep, the sun shines, something at work goes well and I feel like a genius (I just kept misspelling genius and had to go look it up, sigh) and everything is well again. If it didn't change so rapidly I'd think I was bipolar. Anyway, do nice things for yourself. Hope you're feeling better by now.
By the way, I know many very smart people who are atrocious spellers. The English language is motley and full of treacherous potholes.
First, a hug.
And then for words. I think you are having one of those days that I call "all bio-rhythms in the gutter." Change is hard; new is hard; and dealing with one's own high expectations for self is hard.
Please be gentle with yourself. The corner for turning is just ahead.
Thanks, all.
I was thinking of Abdul Walid of Acerbia. Who removed his blog and all evidence thereof. Reappeared (possibly) as Teju Cole. Disappearing, throwing everything down, walking away.
I have long had a fantasy of running away, that I have also always known to be more of a burden than just solving my current problems. Knowing isn't always feeling.
Just tired, displaced, disconcerted.
I'm not a terrible speller. I'm a terrible typist. Usually it's just numbers I jumble reading. To have letters misbehave so is unnerving.
Oh God, one Abdul Walid/Teju Cole is quite enough! I love him too, but please don't copy. I could not live with myself if I felt responsible for such a development.
And I imagine what you are mostly right now is rather tired and stressed after moving right across the country and starting a new job?
xxxxxxx
i am so shocked how can you think of yourself as an idiot!
spelling mistakes are not mistakes at all, they are just misspellings and there can be more than one way to spell a word.. :)
seriously relax chill out and believe me when i say this for however much it might mean to you: i love the way you write. its simple direct and true. i'm sort of in awe of you. :)
All the above and more.
Feeling stupid, that you've made an arse of yourself seems to be one of the worst things for some of us; once when I was feeling that way you chipped in just saying you recognised something I quoted ( 'she never stumbles...') and it meant so much just being affirmed, I'll never forget. Now I know I felt that way and why but it doesn't seem at all important any more.
Dear Zhoen, you are much loved. And BTW, if I tried to keep all the balls in the air you do I'd be making worse cock-ups than mere typos.
our own worst enemies, we are. but i heart you, zhoen, and your blog and whatever errors it may possess (I just had to look up "possess"...couldn't remember if it was one s or two.)
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