Restaurant

I used to have awful restaurant karma.


Finicky eater, it was texture and odor more than flavor that put me off. Gristle killed my appetite. Coconut in cake was like finding a hair. Grease gave me the queasies. My mother's lack of cooking skill, or imagination, was not helpful. Her baking, though, was amazing, there was dessert after every meal. She had a way with sugar, I still have the sweet tooth to prove it. Nutrition was meat, milk and potatoes. Growing up so poor herself, she did not have milk, ate shortening and brown sugar on bread as a treat. Her idea of vegetables was mashed potatoes, with milk and margarine, salt and pepper. French fries, slightly browned, lots of salt. Fried potatoes, potato casserole- baked with milk and cheese. Canned green beans heated up. Lettuce with tomatoes and dressing- salad. Mandatory glass of milk with every meal. Meat was the core of every meal, but that meant fried or baked chicken- battered. Hamburger or meatloaf only edible with a thick layer of ketchup. Canned-salmon patties. Occasional perch over cooked. Much lemon juice to cover up that taste. Not that I blame her, she was not cooking for an appreciative group. I would have lived on cinnamon toast for breakfast and pb&j the rest of the time, with her desserts. With a small budget, she resisted restaurants because she 'could feed us for a week on what would be spent on one meal'. Her words. No doubt accurate.

Restaurants were for traveling only, and at that time, McDonalds was the best choice. Family vacations, 10 days of enforced togetherness, and chancy food, and emotions running high. I never knew what to order, it was the only time I was given a choice about food. So I went with cheap and safe, which is not a good strategy altogether. Not that I had any idea of needing a menu strategy. Kid menus were years in the future. My parents were not up on the idea of tipping. There was too much food, with the horrible expectation that I would "clean my plate."

I really started eating out in college. Had some wonderful Greek meals, and a whole lot of wrong orders, burnt, undercooked, or otherwise inedible food. Ditto Mexican, Chinese, Polish, and American Diner cuisine. Often to do with being poor and ordering the cheapest thing on the menu. I got frustrated and angry at waiters and cooks. The ex used to apologize to them in my hearing for my "bad manners" without ever trying to teach me how to order better.

I lowered my expectations with mess halls-it was after all free. There were Drill Sergeants whose job it was to be 'chow hall push', "If you're talking, you're not eating!", "IF you can taste it you are eating. too. slow." And other forms of harassment to keep the flow of soldiers going through the feeding process. I didn't need much urging- it was true, if I ate fast enough, the taste didn't matter. I would inhale whatever it was and have a few precious minutes alone to walk back to the barracks. Fair trade. Free food.

After that, I could eat anything. But I also decided that if I were eating out, I was going to order nothing that would show up in a chow hall. I slowly came to realize that it mattered what you ordered, and where. That I needed a strategy. It would take a while. D also tended to try to apologize for me, which I quashed as condescending, with the caveat that he work with me. He agreed, apologized, and did. I learned to be pleasant-no easy skill for me. I finally had enough income to eat out- a key element. We became regulars at the Rio Grande Cafe at the former train station in Salt Lake. Gradually I worked out a list of rules for avoiding bad service and bad food, and it had more to do with how I looked at eating than what I was given.

1. Never order hamburger at a place that does mostly Fish.

2. Don't order the only fish on the menu.

3. Don't order the cheapest thing on the menu, especially if it is grilled cheese.

4. If my waiter is slow or having trouble hearing me, do not order anything that needs adjustment, i.e. 'no onions'. Just order something that doesn't have onions.

5. Don't get mad or picky, just be firm and apologetic, and flexible. Trading plates will make my friends happier than me sitting there fuming with no food. Eggs are eggs, regardless of how they are cooked, just eat them.

6. Don't go into a restaurant very hungry with low blood sugar, the order will certainly never show up, or be grossly wrong. Get a candy bar first.

7. Order the same thing every time when I am with a large group, it's the friends not the food. And they can order for me if I am in the restroom. Or too tired to chose well. (Dave will probably still have a salad with honey mustard dressing, on the side. )

8. Add an extra $5-10 when I am sharing a group check, someone always forgets the tax or is cheap about tips, don't let it be me.

9. If I can't afford it, eat home first and get an appetizer, or dessert. I am not paying for the food, I am paying for the service and ambience, no matter what I might think.

10. Become a regular.

I made a lot of mistakes and was very irritable before I worked out these rules. I annoyed my friends, ruined many an evening, embarrassed D, and shamed myself. I finally stopped blaming, and expecting perfection because I was paying for this. I took what I was given, and looked for the good in it. Places have lost my business because they would not meet me halfway, but I have stopped making scenes. Even when it comes to restaurants, you can't buy happiness, you have to take it in with you.

I still miss the Rio Grande Cafe. But let me take you out to Wok 'n Roll.