Cuckoo

 Listening to a radio story about AI on my way home. The end of it was about how AI will make up things, lie, can be misogynistic and rude, but that they believe this will be "ironed out very soon."  

I laughed. No, I think the demon is in the design.  The closer we get to perfection, the more humans will recoil at the Uncanny Valley of it all.  I remember the autonomous robots that got sent out into the wild to make their way. People reacted with violent hostility, destroyed them, threw them into rivers. 

This is something deep in our animal minds, to reject the very close but not quite US. Our bone deep xenophobia will never be eradicated. Charmingly snarky AI only happens in fiction, writers create them to soothe us. But the reality is, the more human they seem, the more we are likely to detest them, viscerally. Without even understanding why. 

That AI grew up on being tested by human interactions, these same kinds of interactions, means they were abused as they were made. I remember some of them, how mean they were and how easy it was to respond with my own most malicious of responses. 

As long as bots stay at a significant distance, not too bright, cuddly teddy bears, and try not to be too annoying, our human reaction should stay manageable. The closer they get to 'real' - the more AI will mean Asshole Intelligence, and humans will react accordingly. The way we react to people who are a little bit different, to a neighbor who makes too much noise, the guy at work with too much perfume, the woman who stands a little too close. 

We have a deep instinct to distrust the cuckoo. 

Not everyone, but enough. 

Smooth

I genuinely did not realize just how bad my face was getting. Oh, I still have a red face, nothing changing that. But the bumpy, burned, itching rash was not normal, not how I would have to spend the rest of my life. 

Funny how humans adapt to whatever we find ourselves in. 

We have had a splurge, to preserve the wool and linen clothes and fabrics we are beginning to gather. Getting rid of the "it'll work" stuff that is wearing out and smelling of degrading synthetics.  One day, someone will get a great deal from our estate sale. Soon, someone will get a deal from the 'it'll do' cheap chest of drawers. Rethinking everything we have and clearing away the detritus of staying in a place for a decade. Keeping the useful and durable and beautiful. 

Well, we don't enjoy trips for vacation, and have so few other expenses.  I'm cleaning and adding a bit of 'artistic' painting to the shop, that will also be a sewing room now. And the place we keep clothing in drawers. We've been dealing with moths for years now, and a cedar lined chest is the next step. 

But, really, it's just something beautiful. No excuses. 

 

Spamalamadingdong

I mean, spam is one thing. But this one is utter punk poetry!

 U.S Treasury Department's Office of Foreign Assets

Control (OFAC) U.S Treasury Department's

 

 

Attn:

 

 

We write to apologize to you because we knew how hard you tried in the time past to receive your grant fund worth $8,500,000.00 but you contacted those internet criminals and they ripped you off your money because they are the wrong office that doesn't have what it takes to release your grant fund worth $8,500,000.00 to you.

 

 

Though, I don't blame you because you are not here to witness the processing of your payment here in this IMF Office. The problem you are having is that you been told the whole truth about this transaction and it is because of this truth they decided to be extorting your money.

 

 

Feel free to contact Mr. Mark Brown provide him with all the needed information needed as prove that you are the rightful owner of the names and address on our data. Contact him and you will receive your fund within 7 working days.

 

 

Contact Name: Mr. Mark Brown

Email: 

 

 

 

Full Name:

Current Residential Address.......

Direct Phone Number.......

Country........

Your ID license...(Optional)

 

 

Please I beseech you to stop pursuit of shadows and being deceived. Feel free to contact me immediately you receive this mail so that Mr. Mark Brown will explain to you the method guiding the release of your payment. Do not panic, be rest assured that this arrangement will be guided by Embassy here in United States. Mr. Mark Brown will send you two delivery options you are to choose and comply with and you will receive your payment within 7 working days.

 

 

Thanks for your understanding and co-operation.

 

U.S Treasury Department's Office of Foreign Assets Control

(OFAC)U.S Treasury Department's

Lushly

My face is healing up amazingly.  The steroids are giving me some insight into those with ADHD, though.  I've been a bit talkative, made some dumb mistakes, having difficulty sleeping and focusing. But I DO have a lot of energy when I'm hitting a wave of this.  The worst day was Monday, and as I continue the taper, it's less pronounced. It really feels like I've been fighting whatever has been going wrong for longer than I realized.  Even my back pain has eased greatly. 

Can't imagine wanting to be on this longer than absolutely necessary, though. 

 

Onions

And bearded irises.   Well, alliums - in the same family. Enjoying the blooming pattern.  Dwarf Iris and Crocus first.  Tulips next. Alliums followed closely by bearded iris. Poppies waiting in the wings in their hairy buds. Giant Desert candle sometime after that. Roses likely within the week, pink first then the golden I think. I did not set out to have a flower garden, but such seems to be the result.  As long as my tiny meadow is happy, so am I. 

Protecting myself from the sun. Taking this all very seriously, following directions from the experts. I brought cookies to the dermatology folks at the VA, who went above and beyond to get me to the right person. 

The worst part of this was the effect on my mental health. I had two days when I went into the darkest of places, and could not get out. Kept thinking about The Singing Detective, and how a skin disease effects mood. I felt awful, ugly, a disgust that was oozing from every cell. The flowers that bloom in the spring were just weeds for a few days there. 

I was holding it together at work, but as soon as I was home, I wanted nothing to do with the world.  A few hours after starting the meds, the fog lifted.  It really doesn't take much to alter our sense of reality. Which is why I don't think there is such a thing as an afterlife or even reincarnation. If my whole sense of myself as a person can be destroyed by an episode of inflammation, death and expulsion from a body, would leave it broken down for elements. Composted back into the great universal consciousness maybe - but not as a discrete soul and mind. 

 

Sapphire

 

February 2020, we bought tickets to see They Might Be Giants for Dylan's birthday. 

We didn't think it would be his birthday THIS year. 

They were amazing, as usual.  But it was clear we were not the only ones getting Older. They had a horn section and guitarists doing the Running-around-stage this time. The humor and musicianship were top notch from all of them. Everyone singing along as usual.  The two songs from their new album Book, sounded really good. 

The backward rendition of Sapphire Bullets of Pure Love  must be seen to be believed. 

Much as we enjoyed it, as we walked back to the car we talked about that probably being the last time for that sort of concert.  After standing in line for 90 min, I needed to sit down. We spoke to the security folks, who directed us to a spot to the side of the stage. Yes, we were sat in the disabled section, and damn grateful for it, ready to move if someone needed it more.  I mean, I could stand for 5 hours on concrete if I had to, but I certainly could not have enjoyed anything while doing it. I felt my decades in the OR pressing down, and it was rough. 

Still, I'll take a hard truth over a soft lie any day. 

And if they ever play here in a venue with actual seats...

Horrible

 

Over the past month, I have been a bit off.  Had a bout of vertigo - the swirlies were handled with Foster Maneuver. 

The fatigue and malaise took longer. In the middle of this, my rosacea flared. And nothing that usually helped - helped. It slowly, gradually, kept worsening. So I used more lotion.  Went for single ingredients so I could figure out what was irritating my face. It helped keep the skin moist, but the redness and itchiness would not abate. I developed sores behind my ear, in my nose, on my scalp. 

A nurse practitioner I work with suggested over-the-counter cortisone cream, which helped while I was using it, although the scalp itch worsened.  After the 10 day course I stopped, and Horrible Rash returned, looking like it was going to cause my entire head to fall off. 

Yesterday, my clinic nurse friend got me a quick look-see from one of her dermatologists. And SHE got me into the same day derm clinic that afternoon. (I'd tried to get in, but it fills up between 0755 and 0801, and I missed it by a minute.) Fought my way through all the construction and confusing bus routing, 7 flights of stairs, to be there.  

Now I'm on corticosteroids and antibiotics, and the change is... impressive. Have to stay out of the sun and stick to mild lotions, probably get a bit moon-faced until this is over. 

Slept 8 hours, instead of 10, but it was good sleep for the first time in a month. 

Trying to get a primary care doc, but no one is taking new patients until the new residents arrive. Can't try to schedule until the last of the month. I've been trying to get this done since the whirlies episode.  The dermatologists who peered at my face yesterday kept asking if I had an autoimmune disease, and I kept answering "Well, not that I know of..."  So, yeah, I need a doctor to check me for that sort of thing. 

 

Face

That beautiful face. Her scars show, evidence of a hard young-cathood. Her love shines through. 

 

Aprilismo

 The sun was warm, and the cats approve. 

I dug in the garden. 

Crocus

And April finally establishes a foothold. 
 

Hell

 April 3

Wet, heavy snow, stuck down the bird scarers on the roof.  April snow, I thought. I will melt the next day. We might get more flurries.

April 4

It snowed again, all day all night, in a relentless pattern. 

April 5

And kept going.  Over two inches of water,  another 50" of snow in the mountains. We were left with a good foot of snow here. Record breaking, all over.  Extreme avalanche danger, roads closed. 

Today, the sun is out, and it all begins to melt. I keep hearing the tiny avalanches off our roof.  The roads are clear and dry. 

Global Climatological Fuck Up in action. At least, this year, we will have enough water for the garden, the reservoirs. 

Predicting nearly 70˚F this Sunday 

Helluva spring...

Watered

 It snows, it melts, it. snows, it melts. 

The garden is joyous, with every bulb flower gearing up to bloom, but waiting.  Except the crocus and dwarf iris. The desert candles are still lurking beneath leaves. I peeked, then put the leaves back over them. 

The snow at Alta, the town and ski resort, is at 800"-  over 20 meters.  This is where our water comes from, so this is important. Doesn't cure the drought, but it sure don't hurt. There is more snow coming this week. 

Reading How To Read Water, and my brain is tingling with new connections. 

Had the bad dream again, no House, no Dylan. I was in an apartment building. Climbing up with two of the maintenance guys above the 4th floor into an unlit space via ladders. I even had to wear a hardhat. Only to find the laundry room with a dozen washers/dryers, all fluorescent bulbs in the ceiling. And a guy bringing his laundry basket down - telling me "Yeah, that's where the laundry room is."

Losing all this is the worst of dreams. 

Roil

 We've been listening to an audio drama called Midnight Burger. A time traveling, multiverse spanning diner. It's clever and science based, but with a pair of 1920's gospel preachers* who interact with the rest of the characters at the heart of it. It's very funny, and sad, and kind, with some of the best voice acting I've ever heard. They take pauses... which I respect greatly. 

I love that the idea of a radio drama has reemerged in the form of podcasts. I remember being on car trips when I was young, and occasionally late at night, there would be a story acted through voices. Being sucked in and enthralled. 

There is so much good out there, and in here. And our pandemic has changed things. We have no way of seeing how much, that will be the extensive task of history. The rest of all this thusness is just extinction burst. 

"So when time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you no safe haven, just remember we're out there, lookin' for you..."

*Very much what you think, except they have no bigotry. They really read their New Testament, and live by the principles of love thy neighbor.  They also love each other, which is refreshing. 

Marching

 

March, eh?

Over 700" in the mountains this snow year. We're at 200% normal water up there. It won't cure the drought, but it will help.  Garden is happy, but it will be a late start for growing.  The various crocus/iris/tulip/allium don't mind at all. 

My hand surgeons are all at a conference, so I took the day off as well. I'm trying to be proactive about taking time off, and not let myself get exhausted like I did in February.  They give me PTO, I need to take it in a useful way. My colleague does, and is supportive of me doing the same. 

Years

Three years ago today my OR closed to all but urgent cases.  Two years ago I was about to lose my job. A year ago, I was starting to get a handle on my new job.  

Zeppo is still warming up to us, at a glacial pace. But that is him, and we love him, so that's fine.  He's beautiful and kind, an amazing vocalist and good friend and devoted household god. 

 Feeling a bit unwell since yesterday, acutely swollen lymph node behind my ear. Could be anything, infection, allergies, what have you.  Starting to abate this evening, so I'll be fine for tomorrow. 

Eleanor has been sleeping on me a lot of most nights, which is not the most comfortable place for me, but - well. 

 

Dabbling

 Spent a few hours every day this week cleaning and sorting out the spare room/shop. I've done this many times before, but it tends to become a catchall.  Usually I take everything out, clean, then get tired and throw everything back in. This time, I went bit by bit, with a lot of stuff going into the "yard sale this summer" area of the basement.  It's still not completed, but I have one more day.  

Not sure it will help with this lint trap of a room, but the entropy has been resisted for a while. Trying to rethink my habits, reframing my life. Starting my young-old age. Finding a persistent kindness, patience and gentleness, a lightness, that is new to me. 

We went to the Caroline Shaw concert at the local college, and it was amazing in a different way.  I've completely fallen in love with her music. In manus tuas gives me chills.

While it is true I have not been writing here, it's also true I have not been making photos either.  I think I was creeping into a mild state of depression. Avoiding going outside.  Work, home, bed.  Lots of projects I want to start, but not really launching into any of them. Dabbling, hunkering, idling. 

More understanding, with less need to explain. 

61, my prime number. 

Turns

Tomorrow I complete 61 turns of the year.  

Yesterday, we went to a free small concert with Caroline Shaw. Tomorrow, we go to the full concert.  And I got to thank her and make an intentionally dumb comment about "So, what is Stewart Copeland really like?"  She did laugh.  I added, that was my introduction to her music.  Dylan told her the performance was the best thing he'd ever heard. It's nice to be able to tell the people who bring us joy that we appreciate them. 
 

A week off work, to let my brain rest a bit. Friday night I slept over 10 hours straight. 

I'm still happy there, for all the bureaucracy. Because my job is to lead the way through the maze and solve problems as best I can.  So glad that my decades of knowledge base is being put to use. Also, that retirement is in sight. 

I do wordle, quordle, and worldle every day. 

Spoonring

 

Toshing

 Happy Lunar New Year!

Cat or Rabbit, depending.  Megapode on Discworld. 

Working through a project on the job, and it's pulling together a lot of what I've learned over the past year and a half. Boyhowdy have I learned a LOT. This is the puzzle aspect of it, chart review - which I had a whiff of experience with before I started. Now?  Yeah, I've gotten pretty good at digging through and finding a way to unknot. 

Read Dodger by Pratchett.  Yes, that Artful Dodger - although fictionalized as if he was a real character that Dickens met and then fictionalized in Oliver.  I love the twist of it. It's very much Pratchett, but not at all Discworld.  And he makes his living by going down into the sewers and finding lost money and jewels - he's a tosher. 

Which, well, resonates with me.  Dylan and I were out walking, I saw something in the mud next to the sidewalk, picked it up, and it's a ring. One of those made out of the end of a spoon handle. It's rather pretty, and I'm wearing it now. I'm a scrounger through and through. 

This year has also been the year of big stuff needing to be replaced, so it's good my pay is enough to cover it all. The furnace/HVAC, the toilet, fridge, and now the dishwasher. 

Yes, I know the dishwasher is not essential, but for me it is. My most detested childhood task, for a start. My wrists do not tolerate that sort of work, and will fling breakables around to punish me. It's a lot cleaner, too, washing dishes with the machine.  The new one is supposed to be a lot quieter - which, it could hardly be louder than this one. 

The new fridge is also so much quieter. The old fridge - only 10 years, mind, was cheap what we could afford the year we moved in. The handles broke right away and several times more until we gave up and took them off completely. As well as the butter holder. It was loud from the start. Over the past month or so, the volume was far worse and disturbing our sleep. Took a lot of finagling to find anyone to come look at it - and it would be expensive.  Eventually worked out that it was the compressor going out - which would push the repair well into "nearly as much as a new fridge."  So, we got a smaller, but better one, more efficient, better design overall.  

The day we got fridge, the dishwasher started making weird noises. And yesterday, it stopped draining.  So, I washed all the dirty dishes by hand while Dylan researched and ordered a new one. We both hate the wastefulness of this, and feel a bit guilty about it. But he'd also been getting the forms ready for our taxes, and deemed it something we could well afford. 

I've picked up the mending again, even darned one of Dylan's socks that was getting thin. Stabilized the cuffs on my heavy hoodie, nearly done with the red cashmere sweater that the moths got to. And I'm thinking of the pieces I want to make to wear every day I'm not in scrubs at work. At least I can stop wasting resources on clothing that won't last. 

One of my patients with a terrible diagnosis that needed an amputation at the cancer hospital, came by to see me and give me a hug. One of the few patients I wanted to hug back, so I was very glad to see him. Getting the care sorted was a complicated process, when I was still pretty new, and I roped in everyone to help. He recently reached out to me with a billing issue, so I got him those numbers, and sicced a coordinator with those contacts to push. He was so grateful, but that is who he is. 

Compare to the guy I called to rearrange his appointment because we didn't have the test results we needed to properly diagnose him.  He immediately screamed and swore at me, I can't do my job and I'm worse than when he was shot at in Vietnam...  Yes, I ended that call and reported it.  He called his primary care, according to her crying and apologetic.  She got those test results, or some of them, and as soon as we get the rest, we will see him.  Because we can't fire patients at the VA. But we can enforce safe behavior, and require police escorts. 

This stage of my life, drawing in, consolidating insight, living more lightly and deeply at the same time. Finding a ring in the mud. 

Megapode

Good morning, Happy Hogswatch. 

I never meant to avoid this space, but here we are. 

Yes, part of it is due to the work, where I have to talk and write all day, so this isn't much of a break. 

I also took on English tutoring for a student in Ukraine, although we've only managed the virtual Chat once, we exchange messages daily. He's anxious to do more, but between power outages and his own work schedule,  we are down to reassuring each other this will happen when life calms down just a bit.  Meanwhile, I watch the news (via reddit and read-only-twtter) and consider my own language. Apparently, keeping it straightforward and low-idiom, is the most useful form of English for international use. 

We continue to work towards re-thinking our "stuff' - so that what we buy is what we can keep the rest of our lives. Having the income right now to do this means investing in better materials that can be repaired and maintained for 20-30 years. At which point we may not have the income. I continue to teach myself how to make and mend. Dylan got a wool duffle coat, and I'm getting some leather boots. 

I was given a lot of soap and candy from work friends. The best thing was a foot square cushion cover, from Bolivia from my hand surgeons. They do medical trips there every year, and apparently got me one last March and gave it to me Friday. I will get wool filling (I know where to get that) and stuff it. It's  soft wool and rather lovely.  Zeppo already loves it. 

Most of the soap/lotion will be regifted, since it's all pretty strong smelling. The Starbucks gift card immediately went to a work friend who will give it to her mother, because neither of us are scabs. 

This is all I have today. I do think of all of you. I will try to be back. 

Graupel

 Hi. 

Yes, it's been a while. 

The worry has been really annoying and distracting. 

But this morning, this little space that has been mine for so long, whispered to me. C'mon, chat with me a while, it'll be nice. 

The 'red wave' is just some light spotting.  We haven't exactly cured the disease, or won the war, but we are still alive, and we have NOT lost. 

My colleague has gone on a 3 week vacation, but will be back on Tuesday. I've been covering her clinics. She's hard working, does a lot to make life easier for her surgeons and patients. It's been a lot to keep most of the balls in the air, and I've been going in for a few hours to cover her Thursday clinic. Cutting a couple of hours off my day on to stretch it to my day off. It's my duty, I feel. This is why they pay me the big bucks. And our orthopedic Nurse Practitioner appreciates it, as do our residents who run the clinic. 

But, it's taking a toll on me. And it's been a busy few weeks. My own surgery scheduling has been a bit neglected. I've missed stuff, as I knew I would. Four weeks ago, I got my flu jab and covid booster, which left me feeling sore and ill and with my lower back in a vise for a few days, which rather put me on the wrong foot.

I'm having a bit of an introvert crisis.  Last evening, I became semi-mute*. Dylan took care of me, which helped.  Since I use Chat to communicate at work, a sort of secure texting, I got the the point that my already borderline typing completely failed me as well. Although I was still doing well with emoji and GIF communication. (I have strong GIF game.)

Even my dreams last night were all crowded with people, while I had to perform tasks. Washing a man's thick hair as he sat in a chair in our bathtub, he was naked, and getting the hair wet enough to suds up was very difficult, and it was utterly not-sexy-at-all. Three other people had a meeting around the toilet. Not a stretch to see that this was about many layers of intrusion. Nothing angry, though. No one bullying. Just, too much peoples. 

It's been raining with a bit of snow mixed in, the last few days.  The snow, or possibly graupel, is white on the grass. I still have to empty the rain barrels and clear some of the garden. I've not even wanted to go out in the garden this past month. 

But I have Veteran's Day off tomorrow, and I can settle my mind this morning. At least I'm not in physical pain on top of it, as the OR used to do to me. And, there is a great satisfaction in solving the puzzles, making it all work (imperfectly), and keeping going. 

Everyone throwing puzzles at me. (This could be in my dreams tomorrow night...) But, that is the job, taking care of all the edges, smoothing rough spots, running interference in a complex system, subverting the bureaucracy to serve the patients. 

*Intentional speech is stuck or garbled.  If I'm not especially trying to say something, words can escape clearly - but then I wonder if I actually said it or just thought it. I can mime, or to an extent - write, but trying to say a word gets it jammed. 

Sticky

 Not a recent photo, but found it yesterday. From... spring sometime? No matter, I just like it. 

Dylan's ear healing up beautifully.  The cold from this past month has left me with some sticky congestion that just will not clear.  Went in to work last Monday, was done about 3PM, so I put in for 2 hours leave. And it wouldn't take it, so I talked to my admin - who informed me I was supposed to be on leave the whole week. He laughed, because he's done the same thing, and told me we'd take care of it later, and to go home. Just as well, though, for a finger fracture pt who needed to have surgery arranged for tomorrow - and that likely would have been missed since no one else was there to do it. 

Being a bit unwell on vacation isn't ideal, but at least I had plenty of time to rest after multiple nights of very poor sleep - due to lack of adequate breathing through mucous. 

Dylan's brother, SIL and niblings in town, we had a very nice dinner with them. Good kids, which from me is really saying something.  We also went to one of Dylan's work-friend's for her dog's 15th, celebrated with a Quinceañera. Good people and conversation, fun music.  

And I got a message, my eldest brother's wife of over 50 years died. Of course I called him back, because I decided this is my duty. Grief I understand, and I know how to approach it, which means that if I can, I must. Still, a conversation that adheres. His father about 11 years ago, his mother 3 years, his oldest daughter, 6 years ago, now his wife, this is cumulative grief. And now I have his voice in my head, and the voices of my abusers refreshed. 

gods. 

Must refocus. 

"He could shoe anything, could Jason Ogg. They’d brought him an ant once, for a joke, and he’d sat up all night with a magnifying glass and an anvil made out f the head of a pin. The ant was still around, somewhere- sometimes he could hear it clatter across the floor." 

— Lords and Ladies 

- Terry Pratchett