Fever

To Eleanor's dismay, I've started brushing her teeth. Used to do Moby, but he didn't mind, until he got sick. Eleanor has always been excellent at evading, so I gave up. Now that her teeth need to be properly cleaned, appointment made at the vet, it's time. And she's not as good at avoiding it, or I'm better at catching her. Bit of both.



This morning the pain is gone, the twisting confusion has lifted, and I feel sure I'm past the worst of it. Like a fever breaking. Getting emails from my brother made a huge difference. Not because he was kind, but because he's an idiot, still talking down to me. But it's a bit like when a child corrects you, and clearly hasn't a clue. Non-medical people giving me a medical message as if I were a kid, and they have it askew, always amuses me. My brother does take after his father. I do not correct, it doesn't matter. Nothing to do with me.

I knew when I accepted* my father's disownment, and then estranged myself from both of them, that I would never get through to my mother. Oh, I had a faint hope. But when she never remembered anything as I did, denied any awareness of my hatred of my father, thought I merely "didn't get along with" him, any belief in any kind of relationship with her was sheer fantasy. My head knew, perhaps my heart stayed silently wistful. Perhaps if I hadn't been injured and bereaved already, it wouldn't have unsettled me so.

I hadn't realized I was still holding on to this. Apparently I was. Huh.

Take a deep breath, let it out, and inhale more easily. Wedge the clay, make something else.




*eagerly, gleefully...