Accident

I was in the back seat of the Studebaker with my brother Bill when the door popped open. I have an image of the road speeding by beneath me. He grabbed me in and slammed the door. This was before seatbelts were standard. I don't even remember locks on the door, but I was very small at the time. I always figured he'd saved my life.

My father had picked me up from ballet class. When he made a fast left turn, the woman in the other car may have sped through the red light. All I know is she slammed into the back door on my side. My father made me anxious driving before then. He was frantic. I simply wanted to go to the gas station to make a call to mom, but I was wearing leotard and tights, I was only eight, and he wouldn't listen to me. It would be many years until I could open my eyes when a car was approaching from the right. I had nightmares.

When I was ten, he was driving us out to the airport, I was flying out to Arizona to visit my brother Dave for the summer. There was a four way stop. Neither he nor the pick-up seemed to notice this. I wound up on a later flight, the car was totaled. More nightmares, more fears of cars coming from the right. More fear of his mindless driving, and my entrapment in childhood.

My mom had taken me to see a movie, it was raining, we were at a red light. A 15 year old in his mother's car skidded into us. No license, no permission, I was appalled and angry, being myself 14. Calmness prevailed with mom. That night I was having sharp spasming neck pain and was taken to the ER. Given a collar and told to use moist heat, my neck would never be quite the same. Different nightmares followed.

Living up in Kalkaska, rural, small town, at the edge of my pay, I was hit by a sheriff of a nearby town- he ran a red light when I was in the intersection. He was treated with great understanding by the Kalkaska sheriff. My inability to afford to fix the damage were answered with a referral to a local garage and a make-do repair suggestion. More nightmares, another version of a trap.

With the ex, who drove way too fast, never asked for directions, but was otherwise an able driver, a bad crash exploded in front of us. Semi clipped a young woman in a Honda, spun her around. We barely tapped her car in this chain reaction. I had just passed my Army CPR classes, and my terror was knowing I had to act. I ran toward her, and cried with relief that she was breathing. She had a head injury, was not wearing her seatbelt, was a nursing student. She joined my parade of nightmares in a year of very different fears.

I'd just been hired for my first full time RN position, we had been looking for a new car, as the Subaru was falling to bits. I took D to work since it was raining. Car ahead of me stops, I stop, fucking SUV behind us does not stop. Well, not like it was going to take much to total the poor old thing. Still. No one hurt, had to rush to get the already mostly chosen new car.

This week, after being on the wrong side of a resuscitation, I had to go for my first week's orientation to a new job. I had hoped to get some help from the Occupational Health nurse when I had my vaccination records done for my increasingly sore neck. Instead, I was given an Return to Work form that had to be filled out before I could start working. A long wait -in a walk-in clinic, since I hardly had time to find a PCP on my shiny new insurance. The Doc there who was helpful and gave me drugs, also filled out the form in a confusing manner. I was in no shape to properly check. Unhelpful, obstructive bureaucracy followed. I prefer to leave it at that. I sorted it out, after much walking, and talking.

Not breathing for a minute, and being beaten up to correct that, leaves me with much the same side effects as the car accidents. The terror and helplessness in the moment. Knowing who was really important. Fury over stupidity and panic. Abiding gratitude. Fearsome images that play over and over in my mind. A desire to change the systemic flaws that make error more probable. The exhaustion of damage in the gaps of life, stress-points and liminal darkness. Fear. Unexpected calmness, and detachment.


Pain in the neck.