Years

Three years ago today my OR closed to all but urgent cases.  Two years ago I was about to lose my job. A year ago, I was starting to get a handle on my new job.  

Zeppo is still warming up to us, at a glacial pace. But that is him, and we love him, so that's fine.  He's beautiful and kind, an amazing vocalist and good friend and devoted household god. 

 Feeling a bit unwell since yesterday, acutely swollen lymph node behind my ear. Could be anything, infection, allergies, what have you.  Starting to abate this evening, so I'll be fine for tomorrow. 

Eleanor has been sleeping on me a lot of most nights, which is not the most comfortable place for me, but - well. 

 

Vet

It's been a while since they've been to the Vet. Zeppo got his ears cleaned, they both got their vaccines.  Eleanor is ll lbs(5.1Kg), Zeppo 14 lbs (6.4 Kg)! We knew he was a bit of a furry bowling ball, and needs a bit more exercise. Vet didn't seem too worried about it.  

While we waited, I brushed him and trimmed his claws - which he was very tolerant of in a way he is NOT when we are home. Eleanor tolerated him snuggling in to her. We just put her in her harness and carried her, which she was pretty ok with. Zeppo moaned the whole way there in the carrier/bag, but was otherwise not terribly distressed.  They also cleaned his ears out, he just had his eyes closed the whole time and put up with it all. 

They are both out and have shaken off the weird human thing we did. 

 

Close

Eleanor: (sigh)

Eleanor: Must he?

Eleanor: I need some 'nip. 

Eleanor: If he shoves past me again, I will wallop him.  Again.

Zeppo: Oh, look!

Eleanor: (sigh)
 

Mantle

Early morning cat

Sprawled, curled, settled on my belly

Waiting for head rub. 

She'd been there for hours, and made a mrrrping squeak as I stirred. Patiently glued to me until I woke enough to pull my hands out and cup her face in my palms.  Zeppo also appeared, or at least made his presence audibly known, by my hip. One hand had to pass between them, to lay on his haunches. 

I tried to read Pale Horse, Pale Rider - because it was in part about the 1918 flu epidemic.  I found the misogyny and emotional toxicity of the family unbearable. I was much more tolerant of disfunction and despairing endings when I was young, but even then I couldn't read Dickens for instance, or any of the Bronte sisters. I wonder if what I always considered my reading cowardice, my inability to chew my way through classic literature, to actually be the lack of joy and humor there. Not enough to draw me through the density of the words, past the hopelessly awful lives of the women therein. 

I need a bit of joy in my reading, with a bit of hope at the end. 

Eleanor exploring the mantle. Not for the first time, but it's not terribly common. Zeppo tried it out the next day.  He's a very cautious creature, not a confident jumper. There is a screen on these, so I may need to open these windows when it warms up a bit more. It's 36˚F this morning. 

Something innate about that, reinforced by experience. I was a cautious and fearful child, but how much of that was because my parents added to my fear? Gave me reason to be afraid? Disinclined to throw myself into anything? Nowadays it's because I know how fragile I have become, how easily I could break another bone and lose our stability. None of this is new, but it all feels so much more immediate.  I don't want to wrap the world in cotton and keep it away from danger, but I feel all the risks so keenly. 

And I am helpless to stop the damage. 

Every day that I work, it has been profoundly irritating to my sore back. So for the last week or so I've been wearing my corset as a back brace under the scrubs. Makes a huge difference, I think I tend to slump after about 6 hours, this keeps my posture better so I don't hurt so much after 10 hours. 

Zeppo thinking about getting up on the sill that Eleanor usually monopolizes at night. She gets up on the chest and noses behind the shade confidently. Zeppo is thinking about maybe trying it one day, because he realllllly wants to look out there too. 

Poor cat, so easily frightened. I get it. All I can do is step back and be patient, with both of us. 

Language

 Speaking the right language is important.  This from Rabbit in Headlights.

I think this is why we have such nice cats, we know how to listen to them, and so they trust us to respect their boundaries.

Example of belly exposure as invitation to play fight. 

"I feel like the reason certain dog-lovers insist cats are evil is because they read their body language as if they were dogs. So here’s a very basic guide to common “mean” things cats do that actually aren’t mean at all if you know what they’re thinking.

Rolling and exposing belly- attacks you when touched

Does not mean: Give belly rubs! - haha I tricked you! 

Actually means: I’m playful! If you reach for my belly I’ll grab your arm and bite it because I think we’re playfighting! 

Lazily exposing belly - still attacks when touched
Does not mean: tricked you again!
Actually means: I’m showing you my belly because I trust you. Please don’t break that trust by invading my personal space. I might accept a belly rub if I’m not ticklish and I know you well.

Snapping at you while being pet
Does not mean: I suddenly decided I dislike you!
Actually means: You’re petting me in a way that gives me too much restless energy. Please focus on petting my head and shoulders instead of stroking the full length of my back next time.

Is in the same room but makes no attempt to interact
Does not mean:  I’m ignoring you
Actually means: We’re hanging out! I’m being respectful by giving you space while still enjoying your company. 

Slapping/scratching your hand when you try to pet them
Does not mean: I hate you!
Actually means: You’ve failed to establish that we’re not playing, or the way you’re approaching me scares me. Be calmer, speak more gently, make eye-contact and blink slowly at me before you try again."

Stuck

We could have coins struck.  They took turns here while we watched Hamish Macbeth with friends (virtually) last night. 

She slept close between us most of last night, not to be shifted. She stuck herself to Dylan.  She sleeps by the window. 

Sleepy

Eleanor crashed out in the garden, among the bricks and catnip. 

Got called off twice this week, and I don't really mind. Patched some of the concrete near the north foundation. It's sort of fun, really. Mudding.

Zeppo has everything he needs here, it was the first place he found to hide. He's taken up the spot again. We've been doing this puzzle, too. Not as hot this week, but enough to mostly stay inside.

Tails

Late to the dentist, early this morning. New dentist, all the modern equipment. They made it comfortable, as much as possible. And I need several old cavity repairs re done, cracked fillings and darkening areas. For two years since last cleaned, it wasn't too bad. This is the story of my life right now, "Not too bad for my age." I'm going with this. The expense will wipe out the inheritance remainder, but at last I have it.

My old dentist was already getting close to retirement, and had health problems. No doubt this plague put the seal on it, I have not gotten a postcard suggesting a cleaning. So, I have a young dentist to get me through the next couple of decades. Very high tech, too.

Claws

I got his claws trimmed, they were pretty bad and catching him. He is very unhappy being picked up, but the actually trimming is not a big deal. Zeppo snuggled up to Dylan last evening, then Eleanor leaned into both of them, tail around Zeppo. I think they are happy with us.

Sick of the helicopters, maybe they won't happen tonight since the 'curfew' seems to be lifted. I'm trying not to feel this too much, because the violence inside me is. It's also hot and dry. This is big important change, and painful, not much I can do, but stay in readiness. Endure. Keep peaceful in myself. Watch closely, act when the right action needs to happen.



Watch for signs.

Looking

Bearded

First bearded irises blooming.

They often don't eat together, Eleanor prefers her privacy. But sometimes.



On the table.


In a sunbeam.

Up

"We can be up here."

Yes, yes you can. They like the new table, and the ultrasuede cover. It's a very good table. With two lovely cats. Who like to be UP.

Zeppo doesn't always scamper when we walk by him. He comes up for petting, although still slinking down so I can only really give his tail a rub. He wants to sit on laps, he's just not there yet. One day, in his own time.

I'm on vacation. Yes, I know. Originally, it was to have six days off in a row, Wednesday through Monday, and it's really only two days that I would have worked. Not to mention I forgot that bit and drove up to work this morning. When my name wasn't on the assignment board, I twigged to it. At least I remembered to bring up the bag of catnip culled from the garden that I'd promised to the cat people. And I'd rather go in and be wrong than not go in and be wrong. They asked if I wanted to keep my days off, in the midst of lots of days off, and I said, yeah - I'll keep 'em, but if you need me I'll come in anyway.

We are getting busy, but in a limited way. Other staff are desperate for hours, and I have plenty of paid time off (PTO) still. They have paid us for our lost hours, as long as we were there for whatever work was asked of us. I answered Care Navigation calls, stood door guard shifts, as well as the rare actual surgery shift, so I was given "admin" pay. Which does inspire a certain amount of loyalty.

This is the traditional May holiday, surrounding Dylan's birthday. He's a bit blah about this, since he hasn't worked, and won't be working for another ten days at least. He's been going a bit stir. I'm so glad he was born, and that I get to live my life with him.

I finished shredding the sunflower stalks and small branches and twigs yesterday. Shoveled clear half the walk around the garden in back, the rest today. Make it look tidy for a little while.

I'm off Monday as well, unless asked to cover.

Spot

Looked up it's nose, and it's lovely.


The tulips are dropped for this year.



This for scale.



Greening up and filling in.



Spot the cats in the windows.





I think photography worries him a bit.

Bask

Two cats lay in sun*
Distant beams, isolated
Breathing the same dust.


*From Catalyst.

Aesthetics

Eleanor enjoying the sun, Zeppo the bed close to Eleanor. If they traded positions, they'd both be easier to photograph, but who am I to question the aesthetic choices of cats? 

And if you have someone who's ignoring the precautions, (none of you, I know) send them this. 

Flinch

Swamped in a hard year
So behind and underneath
I dig up to light.

Both cats agree that the only place to sleep at night is on the bed with the people. Saw Eleanor give Zeppo one lick on his ear, as they nuzzled heads. They take turns with us, Eleanor confident that she is loved, lets Zeppo get his turn.

This morning, still in bed. After Eleanor got well ruffled sitting on my chest, she sneezed and jumped off. Zeppo beside me let me massage him, both hands, I put my head to his back, he purred and relaxed, one leg in a nonchalant attitude. When I sit here, he makes pass after pass for back strokes and tail catches. I nearly pull his tail, and he returns over and over. He reaches up to pat me if I miss a turn. He'll rub his face into my hand.

If I move my hand toward his head in a way he isn't expecting, he flinches. And it breaks my heart. I apologize, and let him approach in his own way, in his own time. He's doing so well, we have to remind ourselves how slow this process can be. How far he had to come, and how young he is still.


Dylan fixed our doorbell/intelligence test yesterday. I polished and restrung it today. The old spot needs a little paint, maybe later today. Maybe when I apply the greenish wash to the orange painted brick later this year.




Had a scrub tech of less than a year yell at me yesterday on a matter of sterility, in front of surgeon and resident, and she was not correct. This was after I twice had to direct her away from patient care parts of my job that are not in her job description and that needs to be done by a licensed person, or working under the direction of a licensed person. Since I don't trust her to follow directions, I will not let her do this under my license. So she decided to shame me in front of the surgeon, which fell flat. I hate having to talk to my manager about this sort of thing, but manager invites it, and uses the information appropriately, so I do.

Massage this morning, which both helps, and identifies the actual sources of pain. I have exercises planned. I also smell really nice.



A photo list of black cats.

Sol

The sun shone in and cats basked. I'm on vacation and lolling about.

Also, turned the compost pile, picked up way too much bits of trash on the lawn.