Out the front, toward the intersection. A one way coming this way, so that it's important to watch for the left turning traffic, as they tend to angulate too fast.
Dale mentions being a bit unstuck in time, a sensation I have also felt, but I am finding comfort in it. Time has been slinkying around, crawling down into my shoes, bunching up at my waist, rolling up in my armpits, as I patiently pull up my socks, tuck in my shirt, and try to hold on to my sleeves as I put on my coat. Drove me crazy as a kid, but it feels oddly reassuring now, a familiar task, nothing to get fussed about, even as a metaphor.
Joan's comment on a previous post proved to be a tiny silver key to unlock a door holding a vital piece of my life's puzzle. It's all about roles and scripts. I never wanted to live according to the Rules of Family, unspoken and assumed and absolute. Nothing fit me in them, I have always wanted to be seen for who I actually am, and that doesn't work in that dynamic. An authentic life, in it's painful naked truth, does not look right beside the standard facade. My father hated me, certainly - but not for myself - since he never even wanted to know me for myself. My mother loved me, but not for who I really became - she never tried to know the person I was becoming. I kept bracing myself for pointed questions, which I would have asked, but they will not. My brothers assumed I would be the kid sis, never bothering to check, not really interested in my contribution to my own character. It boggles that they could see us as siblings, when we were never children together, or I wasn't with them.
All the heartache and fear seems to be crumbling away. I can't even resent them, since they never saw me as real. They are all quite unreal to me, as well. The sharpness is gone, the dull ache receding much more quickly than ever before. I'm just fighting off some virus this week, residuals of the excess hormones of last week, being a bit emotional. And I had to go in for a damn meeting this morning at 0730 on my day off. When I got home, D was still here, a crown had popped off, and he had to get in to see the dentist. Which he did, all fixed up now.
A day of ill omen, rain and a clinging cat. April can be like this.