Pestery thoughts. My mother wanting to see me, which is unlikely. I'm not about to spend my precious vacation time going to Buttfuck, Texas to visit people I don't much like. I certainly do not want to inflict this bunch of kin on my beloved D. More, I would not want any of them here. I'm not convinced it will be a good idea for me to have reestablished contact. Had to, for the sake of my own integrity. The price may prove very high in peace of mind. Well, somethings just have to be paid.
The idea of unconditional love, un-reciprocated love, seems to me akin to perpetual motion machines. A lot of people convince themselves it's real, because of a core lack of understanding. It's seductive, it's so appealing. That it can't work doesn't stop a lot of people from believing that it can. They can keep on pouring out love, without ever getting anything in return, forever. A never emptying bottle. It's magic, martyrdom, a mystery. It's insulting bullshit. My reconnection should have been treated with wary courtesy, not full flood "love." I'm not the prodigal son asking forgiveness.
Even many, or most, parents, (who I am willing to believe) are overwhelmed with a rush of protective urges toward their children, need to turn that pure emotion into a genuine interest in that small person, and accept interest in return. Because the better analogy to real love is of an electrical circuit. It has to go around, not just from one to another. And energy has to be put into the system. One must give, and accept in return, each has to strive to be worthy, and take everything given, and give everything in return. Both should feel hopelessly indebted, getting the best of the deal, unutterably grateful.
Even parents, maybe especially parents, if they want to love and be loved by their offspring all their lives, need to take that instinctive emotion - which needs another word, and gradually transform it into a real, loving, friendship. I've seen it happen, so I do know it is possible. My Massachusetts cousins seemed to do it by gradually including their children among the friends, until they were full friends, with only the memory of being kids in the relationship.
Real love is a verb, to treat each other lovingly. Anything else is a scam, a delusion, a wish. And wishes are as useful as wax screwdrivers and cotton candy anchors. And perpetual motion machines.
10 comments:
'Real Love is a Verb'. Sounds like a t-shirt slogan. I don't mean to make light of your well thought out post, with most of it I do agree. I see unconditional love as a goal, not as a reality.
Phil,
I always welcome levity.
I think unconditional love is a contradiction in terms. It is a condition, a sharing. There is no sharing if one person can do anything, and the other will still "love" back. Either person drops the rope, refuses, vetoes, that is a condition that stops love. So, unconditional says that the love goes on, and it can't.
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I think it was very brave and generous of you to phone your mother. I fear I would probably not have the moral courage to do what you did. Maybe you can just be passive and vague in the face of her demands, let them peter out without having to have a confrontation - which I think they are pretty much bound to do if based on her own neediness rather than any real sense of you as a person.
Yes ma'am.
It doesn't sound as though you ever experienced that from your parents - unconditional love. I do think, and it is my experience, that there is such a thing, and that it is more (or other than) a mere rush of emotion.
Buttfuck? :) lol!
Lacking reciprocation, love devolves into some kind of selfishness, doesn't it? And I cannot help but wonder how "unconditional love" as defined by forceful people is anything other than violence. I like your analogy of the electrical circuit.
RtheS,
I suspect what you've experienced is real love, each pouring out on the other, even with occasional gaps, and put that "Unconditional" label on it. That term, so often thrown at me, I think needs critical scrutiny.
Rou,
Yes, exactly. It builds up a mass of guilt on one side, and righteousness on the other. Real love is always willing to let go, to free the other person. "Unconditional" seems way too much like obsessive ownership of the You Can't Escape mode.
I've never been convinced about its existence; it seems to me what most people call unconditional love is very far from unconditional, but an attempt at control.
In a way, though, whether it exists or not is kind of irrelevant, it's what you do that counts, how you behave towards people, the respect and understanding you show them, and how your actions reflect this.
I think Jean is probably right, just deflect as far as you can, and detach as much as possible. You can always put it in writing if she puts you on the spot too much and you need to tell her so. Your getting back in touch doesn't constitute a commitment to anything. It doesn't sound as if she's likely to turn up on your doorstep out of the blue anyway.
Good luck, and don't demand the unreasonable of yourself.
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