Out of tea, out of beer, out of pistachios.
But I do have more of all three.
So, a question. If my mother does insist on a relationship, pushes for contact, I have this idea. Not meant to be cruel, but will likely not feel good to her.
One requirement, she has to get to know me, not as I hid from her since I was small to refrain from alienating my only semblance of protection. Or dissembled later to protect her sensibilities and out of habit. But me, as I have lived, with my agnosticism, sexuality, tattoos, swearing, love of beer and Moby, - and criticisms of her. How? By reading this blog, a substantial, representative sample. IF that doesn't put her off, IF she still likes me after that, then, well, then I'll put whatever effort in to get to know her, as she is now. Call every week, even go out to visit as time and finances allow.
My SIL can set her up with internet, she's on fecesbook so I know SIL's at least that computer savvy. I will send mother my old MacBook, if necessary. OK, so this has to include her dealing for the first time with computers, but that's just an unintended benefit to her (she probably won't see it that way.) She is 84, as far as I know never even had a debit card - only uses checks.
Is this unfair? Impossible? She may never really push, she has every right to refuse. But, if she can't bother to get to know who I am, I'm really not up to putting in the effort to placate. Do I open myself up to her so completely? Well, I'm fine with that, and it will be a bit like asking her to look at me naked. I'll stand naked before anyone, if necessary. She can mind what she sees, but I'm asking her to prove it with her version of love, thrown into my version. Can a mother and daughter find love in bare truth? I doubt it, but if she wants it, and is willing to get to know me, I will meet her more than halfway.
Will I take her equally naked? Yes. If she is game, I will.
Too much to ask? Only she can absolutely decide, of course. But for me to ask this, as a condition for future contact? I'm not threatening estrangement, just knowing it will happen, and informing her. I will not, cannot, pretend and perform, again. It's truth from here out, or I walk away.
She's the one who taught me that if the other kids were playing mean to just walk away. She's not been playing fair, and I walked away. I have no problem doing it again.