Convolution
All day yesterday, I shook, blurred, struggled to keep my focus. Less today, but as though I teetered on the edge of an anxiety attack. Spoke to my supervisor, who surprizingly has also had the experience of the loss of a bad parent, and unexpectedly encouraged me to take some time.
I got an email from my Massachusetts cousin in the afternoon, my original kith had not contacted her. This shoved me further off balance, and I took supervisor up on the day off this week, Thursday. Because it is slow and I might be called off anyway, so I won't have to explain to anyone else what I can hardly explain to myself. M. the secretary will code it as funeral leave, and I trust her to keep this in confidence.
It's all a bit convoluted, that the people I'm estranged from ignored me. But it has to do with their professed value for family, no matter what, unconditional love (so they said), and adherence to form. I expected, though I no longer know why, that they would contact me - at least. That I would be offered a choice. Foolish of me, to think better of them. They knew our cousin could contact me. With my real name, and especially with D's first name, I'm actually quite findable online. Instead, silence. I'm not saying I don't deserve silence from them, only that I hadn't anticipated it.
Funny, how common this experience, that is so rarely mentioned. How to deal with the death of a disliked parent? How to grieve when what you feel isn't sadness, or loss? But you all wrote so eloquently in yesterday's comments. I could say no better, not with my mind hamster-wheeling around, squeaking all the way.
To feel one is alone, bereft of close kin, is one thing. To know one is disliked by the figures of one's childhood, to know one is adrift afar from those who first professed love, and insisted on one's love in return, is quite another.
I still have no idea what to do. I feel this intense need to do something, but no idea what. Some ritual, some rage against the petty horrors of a useless connection, some act of will amidst the avalanche. But nothing suggests itself, and words fail.
Let the dead bury the dead.
I got an email from my Massachusetts cousin in the afternoon, my original kith had not contacted her. This shoved me further off balance, and I took supervisor up on the day off this week, Thursday. Because it is slow and I might be called off anyway, so I won't have to explain to anyone else what I can hardly explain to myself. M. the secretary will code it as funeral leave, and I trust her to keep this in confidence.
It's all a bit convoluted, that the people I'm estranged from ignored me. But it has to do with their professed value for family, no matter what, unconditional love (so they said), and adherence to form. I expected, though I no longer know why, that they would contact me - at least. That I would be offered a choice. Foolish of me, to think better of them. They knew our cousin could contact me. With my real name, and especially with D's first name, I'm actually quite findable online. Instead, silence. I'm not saying I don't deserve silence from them, only that I hadn't anticipated it.
Funny, how common this experience, that is so rarely mentioned. How to deal with the death of a disliked parent? How to grieve when what you feel isn't sadness, or loss? But you all wrote so eloquently in yesterday's comments. I could say no better, not with my mind hamster-wheeling around, squeaking all the way.
To feel one is alone, bereft of close kin, is one thing. To know one is disliked by the figures of one's childhood, to know one is adrift afar from those who first professed love, and insisted on one's love in return, is quite another.
I still have no idea what to do. I feel this intense need to do something, but no idea what. Some ritual, some rage against the petty horrors of a useless connection, some act of will amidst the avalanche. But nothing suggests itself, and words fail.
Let the dead bury the dead.
Labels: death
Posted by Zhoen on Monday, September 26, 2011
8 comments:
Maybe think of something that you do not normally do - maybe a place you've never visited or an activity you've never done. Perhaps this out of ordinary event requires an equal out of ordinary event to give it some perspective.
good suggestion.
and a (hug) to go with it.
Give it a little time and something will emerge for you. A bonfire can be a powerful and cleansing thing.
Z, I don't even check on-line for news about my tormented father. But I wonder what I would do in your place now. My first impulse would be to make a donation in his name to an organization you think helps make this world less tormented. I wonder if writing a letter about what you're going through and then throwing it into the bonfire might help a little.
Funny how, in the name of so-called unconditional love, they withdraw it from you. Still.
Something will come, indeed, give it time. Hold your own dear ones close and know you have friends here, as well as supporters in your everyday life.
Much love.
(o)
Phil,
I think you are right. Now if I can just get my mind working sufficiently to think of something.
RR,
I thought about the bonfire. Hard in the middle of a city in a high desert. But, yes.
Rou,
I had to know. I'm more afraid of the unknown than facing ugly truth, so I poke and prod. If I found out after a year, I think I would be far worse.
Lucy,
You, you blogfriends are exactly why I am managing to find a few loose threads to grasp. Or I would have no one but D and Moby to talk with.
how good that your supervisor understands. it helps not to have to put up with outpourings of sympathy for which you have no use.
i'd second the bonfire; it has both a cleansing and a renewal symbolism attached to it that is fitting at ends and beginnings.
take care.
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