Ache

Good day at work, bad day inside my own head. Just a headache that would not dissipate, despite all the drugs I could lay on. Got to ask a young resident to undress. (He still had his gown and gloves on, and I was ready to tie up the trash bag.) A fellow nurse asked to try on one of the new hats, and I gave it to her to wear for the day, and assess it for comfort. She seemed rather touched, but I'm big on doing a kindness that, after all, costs me nothing. She loved the hat. They are quite good hats, they hold my hair back and just sit there on my head without drawing attention to themselves, except for compliments from cow-orkers. Surgeon took me by the hands to ask if I knew how he did this particular thing. I said, No, I forgot, and this wasn't the case scheduled in this room, so that particular instrument set got neglected. He assured me that HE was the one thing I should not neglect. I replied that it worked just fine for me most days.

Off three hours early, but it did not feel early at all. TGIF indeed.

Resolving thoughts about the lost friendship. Sour grapes, which is to me not a cautionary tale, but an instructive one. Can't have what you want? Rationalize that it isn't worth the effort anyway, and walk away without regrets.

Momentary anger, that I let dissipate like smoke. Thinking all the 'how dare you's and 'how could you be so's come through and pass through and be gone.

I will not make contact, nor harbor dark thoughts. We would probably not have met again in person for years, decades even. Not without a trip planned specifically to visit them. I begin to wonder if I had begun to read waning interest on the last trip, and I chose to think I did. Not because it's factual, but because it comforts me. Nearly fifteen years of friendship, gone. Ah, well. Maybe it had run it's course with me, as well. Another hindsight adjustment.

I've heard it said so often, that relationships are hard. I disagree. They take attention and good will, but they should not be hard work. They should be joyous and comforting, easy as breathing. When they become a long, hard slog, with no ease, then something is wrong. When both are pushing a heavy weight, the work gets easier. When each is pushing in the opposite direction, no use exhorting them to "push harder, relationships are work!"

Settling it in my head. Knowing I'm filing off corners to make it fit. No wonder I have a headache that will just not go away.